Boundaries define the physical, emotional, and psychological space you need to feel comfortable, safe, and respected in your interactions with others.

 

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Boundaries are essential in all relationships—with your parents, children, friends, boss, and so on. For example, you need to set a boundary with a co-worker who repeatedly interrupts you during meetings and you need a boundary with your sister who shows up at your house unannounced. Without boundaries, you may feel suffocated, unable to express your true feelings and needs. And boundaries protect you from being mistreated or taken advantage of because they communicate your needs and expectations.

Boundaries are good for everyone

Sometimes, boundaries are met with anger or resistance (hence our reluctance to set them). But it’s not wrong or mean to set boundaries. We set boundaries for our own well-being, but they aren’t just good for us—they’re good for everyone involved.

Boundaries actually make relationships easier. If this seems confusing, think about what it’s like when other people set boundaries with you. Don’t you appreciate it when your boss sets clear boundaries and tells you specifically what she expects? The same holds true in other relationships; kids do best when parents set clear boundaries and intimate relationships and friendships are easier when both parties are clear about their needs and expectations.

And when we don’t set boundaries, we often become resentful and angry, which isn’t good for us or our relationships. Communicating your needs and expectations is kind, not selfish.

However, even when we understand the importance of boundaries, we don’t always set them.

Setting boundaries can be scary

People avoid setting boundaries for many reasons, but fear is one of the biggest reasons.

This list of common fears about setting boundaries is adapted from The Better Boundaries Workbook (Martin, 2021). Notice which ones resonate with you.

• Fear of angering people.
• Fear of being criticized or rejected.
• Fear of disappointing others.
• Fear of being seen as difficult or selfish.
• Fear of hurting someone's feelings.
• Fear of being ignored or misunderstood.
• Fear of ending a relationship.

Often, we’re afraid to set boundaries because we don’t want to be mean or seen as difficult or selfish. As children, many of us learned that being agreeable, nice, and selfless pleased our parents, and we continue being people-pleasers as adults.

We consistently put other people’s needs before our own. And we sacrifice our right to safety, respect, individuation, and the freedom to be ourselves. This tells others that their needs are more important than ours and they can mistreat us to get what they want.

Obviously, this isn’t the message that we want to send to our family, friends, colleagues, and neighbors. We want to value ourselves enough to ask for what we need, to be treated with respect, and allowed to have our own feelings and ideas. And we need to set boundaries in order to do this.

How to set compassionate boundaries

Let’s begin by remembering that setting compassionate boundaries doesn’t ensure that others won’t get angry. You can’t control how other people respond to your requests. However, using these communication tips can reduce the likelihood that others will respond angrily.

1. Keep the focus on your feelings and needs. Setting a boundary is about communicating what you need and expect. In the process, it may be important to gently call out someone’s hurtful behavior, but that shouldn’t be the focus. Focusing on what someone has done wrong is likely to make them defensive. Instead, lead with how you feel and what you need.
2. Be direct. Sometimes in an effort to be kind, we’re wishy-washy and don’t clearly ask for what we want or need.
3. Be specific. Ask for exactly what you want or need. Specificity makes it easier for the other person to understand your perspective and what you’re asking for.
4. Use a neutral tone of voice. Tone of voice can be even more important than your choice of words, so pay attention to how you’re saying it as much as what you’re saying.
5. Choose the right time. Avoid the temptation to impulsively say things without considering whether the timing is right. Ideally, choose a time when you’re both calm, sober, well rested, and not distracted by the television, phone, or other people or problems. In reality, there isn’t always a perfect time to discuss boundaries and if you wait too long, you run the risk of having resentments pile up. So, choose the best possible time. Please note, if you or someone else is in immediate danger, you will need to go ahead and set a boundary immediately (such as leaving a dangerous situation).
6. Consider the other person’s needs. When you’re setting boundaries with someone you care about, you may also want to consider their needs. In other words, sometimes compromise is appropriate. Be mindful that you’re not the only one compromising, and that you’re not giving up what’s most important to you. People-pleasers tend to concede rather than compromise, which is why we need boundaries.

An example of compassionate boundaries

Below is an example of what you might say to set a boundary with kindness. We’re all different, so we need to find the words that feel right for us.

Situation: You feel embarrassed and hurt when your husband jokes about you to his friends. You’ve asked him to stop in the past and he told you to “lighten up,” he was just joking.

Compassionate boundary: “Honey, I’d like to talk to you about what happened when your friends were here last Friday. I felt embarrassed when you were joking about my 'bad cooking.' It really hurt my feelings. I’d like you to stop putting me down in front of your friends. Is that something you’re willing to work on?”

This is the beginning of a conversation that hopefully leads to mutual understanding and both people getting their needs met.

Now, it’s your turn to practice. What boundaries have you been afraid to set? Try describing the situation and writing a practice script for yourself to start thinking about how you might kindly and directly express your needs.