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If you love someone and they love you, shouldn’t you be able to tell them if something they do upsets you? It is a beautiful thought and something I’m sure most people would agree on.

But how can you do it in a loving way—a way that won’t be heard as criticism? Having spent 35 years listening to couples arguing, I have also had plenty of opportunities to think about how to turn this ambition into a reality.

Last week, a couple arrived in my therapy room, and I could immediately tell one of them was upset. Partner A was angry that Partner B was late (and this was not the first time).

There was a head of steam behind Partner A’s complaint—it had been building for some time. Partner B went immediately into defend mode. They were not really “late.” OK, they arrived outside my building one minute past the hour and that’s “on time.”

After about 10 minutes of watching the disagreement turn into a fight (and starting to turn toxic), I stepped in. “How was this going for them?” Not well. “What was the alternative?” They fell silent.

So, I helped them understand why the current strategy was not working and laid out my five-step plan for how to complain and how to receive the complaint.

What Doesn’t Work

When your partner complains about your behaviour, the immediate response is to head off their annoyance and save your reputation:

• Although your aim might be to explain your behaviour, it will either be heard as not taking your partner seriously or as minimising their feelings—because they will hear “You’re overreacting.”
• Sometimes, you will just go straight into defending yourself—which has all the problems of explaining, plus the added dimension of counterattack. In other words, “Let me deflect how bad I am by listing all the ways that you are worse.” Before you know it, you’re in a game of "I’m right and you’re wrong" and, in all my years of work as a marital therapist, I’ve never heard this end happily.
• Other strategies include silence (hoping the problem will go away), people pleasing (agreeing to anything to escape), or exploding (with tears, resentment, or anger) in the hope that your partner will back down.
• Worst of all, you don’t get down into the real issues. In the case of my couple, we discovered that Partner A felt alone in being responsible for the planning in their relationship, and Partner B felt that nothing they did was good enough. Unattended, these emotions could end up ruining their relationship, and neither of them knew, before we unpacked everything, that this was how the other was feeling.

An Alternative: My 5-Step Plan for Giving and Receiving a Complaint

 

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The first two steps are for when you are complaining; the next two are for receiving a complaint. It is only with the final step—which is for both parties—that you can start trying to resolve the dispute.

1. Report your feelings. My request would be to speak up sooner. Most people bottle up their feelings and then explode. How many times had Partner A fumed outside my building before bringing it up?

In the meantime, the feelings leak out through body language and sarcastic comments. Instead, report your feelings—“I am feeling angry”—rather than act them out (through raised voice, turned back, or slamming doors, etc).

There are two advantages: Reporting is easier for your partner to hear, and they can’t jump to the wrong conclusions (for example, that you’re furious or just irritated).

2. Don’t justify your request. Perhaps you are used to not being taken seriously or, deep down, don’t feel that your feelings count. So, rather than simply asking for something, you feel the need to justify it.

This involves explaining why this is important to you, giving examples of times in the past when it has happened (to try and explain why you are raising it now). Unfortunately, your partner will just hear criticism and more criticism. I know it is hard, but practice just asking and then being silent. Your partner might say "Yes."

3. Do as you would be done by. If your partner has followed the first two steps, it should be easy to listen to their complaint. But the likelihood is that they are tired and stressed, and it has all poured out in a nasty pile. When you are feeling upset, you would hope your partner will listen carefully and patiently.

So, what I’m asking is for you to "do as you would be done by." I would like you to reflect back—repeat back the feeling words and the main elements of what they are saying. For example: “I’m hearing that you’re upset because I left my cup on the sink rather than putting it in the dishwasher.”

If you have missed something important, your partner will probably tell you. However, you could also add: “Is that right?” However tempting, do not comment or respond. Focus on summarising only. I call this technique "reflecting back," and it makes certain that you are truly listening to your partner rather than preparing your defense. You could also ask, “Is there more?” This will help you get down to the deeper issues. For example, your partner might add, “I feel taken for granted.”

4. Ask if your partner is ready to hear you. I am not asking you to keep your feelings, thoughts, and explanations to yourself—just to give your partner a chance to let off steam and be lovingly heard. If you have offered them this gift, the chances are they will want to return the favour.

So, ask them: “Are you ready to hear what I’m thinking?” If the answer is "No," do some more reflecting back, but probably they will say, "Yes" and listen with an open heart to you.

5. What can we do differently? You are finally ready to discuss this important question. It will go better if you also think, “What can I do differently?” rather than list the changes your partner needs to make. After all, your actions are in your control; your partner’s are not.

 

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By going through this process, Client A realised that they had never explained how they liked five to ten minutes to touch base before the session and discuss what issues to raise. They also agreed on a plan for what to do if one of them was unavoidably late.

Client B realised that one minute late outside my building—once they had climbed the stairs to my office, taken off their coat, used the restroom, etc.—was five minutes late starting.

Next week, they arrived exactly on time, and both were smiling. After feeling heard and staying in the crucible of conflict long enough to find a lasting solutuon, they had the confidence in each other to open up to deeper issues. It turned out that, behind differences about timekeeping, there was another question: Can I trust you to truly have my back when things get tough, or will I be too much for you?