“You can say everything, but not in every way.” —Michael Haneke

Human beings are social creatures whose interactions with others are essential to their well-being. We are socially conditioned to be polite to others, especially strangers. However, do we have to be polite to those closest to us? Can being impolite, in fact, benefit a romantic relationship?

The Functions of Politeness

“Politeness is half good manners and half good lying.” —Mary Wilson Little

Politeness is behavior intended to lubricate social interactions, which can sometimes be uncomfortable, in order to make them more pleasant and cooperative.

Although the main function of politeness seems to be to ease interactions with strangers who may misunderstand us, the many ongoing interactions with our significant other can also generate misunderstandings and offense, and in the long term, damage the relationship. In the moving words of The Mills Brothers, “You always hurt the one you love, The one you shouldn’t hurt at all… You always break the kindest heart, with a hasty word you can’t recall.”

Politeness is not intrinsically positive — in fact, it has two major problematic elements — superficiality and deceptiveness. Most kinds of politeness are concerned with superficial rules, which often vary between cultures. While profundity often relates to sincerity, superficiality is commonly associated with deception. Understanding these difficulties requires attending to different types of politeness; I refer here to good manners, flattery and tact.

Good Manners

“Virtue, perhaps, is nothing more than politeness of soul.” —Honore de Balzac

One is judged to have good manners if they follow commonly accepted fixed rules in their interactions with others. These skills are useful in that we can prevent offending strangers. Acting in accordance with accepted normative rules minimizes the risk of a stranger misinterpreting what we say and do. Of course, our significant other is far from a stranger and so the necessity of rigid rules is significantly decreased; instead, greater weight is given to the specific context, of which the agent is often aware. Nevertheless, the scope of interactions in enduring relationships is much larger, involving many sensitive circumstances where the optimal mode of behavior is unclear. In such volatile circumstances, the cushion of good manners may be quite beneficial.

In enduring romantic relationships, the role of good manners is of less importance, as intimacy is built on candor. Accordingly, lovers are less careful about what they say and do. This freedom of expression, which in many ways enhances closeness, also makes it easier to hurt one’s lover. The price of being able to behave freely in love, and not having to consider every consequence of your words and deeds, is speaking and behaving impulsively, which can hurt your lover. Consequently, illusions and white lies are common in romantic relationships (e.g., Gignac & Zajenkowski, 2019).

Flattery

“Listening, not imitation, may be the sincerest form of flattery.” —Joyce Brothers

“I am not aware of any case in history in which flattery harmed the flatterer.” —Sophia Menache

A compliment is a kind of benign praise. It is a polite expression of praise or admiration; it involves saying something nice about someone and showing that you respect or approve of this person. Flattery is excessive and insincere praise, given especially to further one’s own interests. Compliments and flattery differ in two major aspects: (a) flattery is typically insincere and excessive, whereas compliments are sincere and not excessive; and (b) flattery is instrumental in the sense that its purpose is to gain something for the flatterer, whereas compliments are not focused on the agent’s personal gain. Richard Stengel characterizes flattery as strategic praise — that is, praise with a purpose. He notes that “flattery works like a heat-seeking missile, only what the missile homes in on is our vanity” (2000: 14).

Flattery is closely associated with hypocrisy; however, while flattery is concerned with the image of another person, hypocrisy is primarily concerned with the image of oneself. Flattery is typically unidirectional, like the hierarchical relations on which it depends (Eylon & Heyd, 2008).

Is flattery also valuable in enduring romantic relationships? Praise is valuable in these relationships as they reassure lovers about their partners’ positive attitude toward them. However, since in romantic relationships, each partner knows the other well, flattery needs to be less direct and more subtle.

Tact

“Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.” —Isaac Newton

“Tact is the ability to step on a man’s toes without messing up the shine on his shoes.” —Harry Truman

Tact, which involves empathetic sensitivity to unique personal circumstances, is the most valuable and profound kind of politeness (Heyd, 1995); it is also critical in promoting romantic relationships. Tact often involves silence and discretion. However, as Samuel Butler said: “Silence is not always tact, but it is tact that is golden, not silence.” If tact simply meant remaining silent, it would be easy to acquire this virtue. There are, of course, circumstances in romantic relationships in which silence is a tactful attitude. For example, giving your current lover details about your ex-lovers could be tactless. There is sometimes a certain value in romantic ignorance.

The value of romantic tact is illustrated in statements commonly used in romantic breakups, such as, “It’s not you, it’s me”; “I think we need some space for a while”; and “You deserve more.” These statements might be seen as genuine expressions of tact that attempt to soften the blow and lessen the offense to the other. However, they are often fashionable, vain, and deceptive phrases intended to assuage the agent’s guilt. In order for these statements to be genuine, they should be accompanied by some specific details relevant to the specific personal circumstances. For instance, one might mention some of the real reasons why the relationship should not continue, despite the mutual appreciation and attraction (Ben-Ze’ev & Teitelbaum, 2021).

Politeness in the Digital Age

“Online sex is a wonderful invention. Now, if only everyone could type faster.” —Unknown

The digital age is characterized by its great pace and lack of impatience. As Meryl Streep eloquently put it, today “instant gratification is not soon enough.” In these circumstances, people are engaged in a direct, sincere and intimate conversation about issues they care about. They do not have to beat around the bush. Accordingly, conventional good manners are less common in digital communication. It is not necessary to be polite and to respond to every message that is sent; if you do not want to pursue a particular online relationship, you can simply not respond to the writer. No excuses or avoiding strategies are required in digital interaction (Ben-Ze’ev, 2021).

Although good manners are less significant in digital interactions, they still have a role, since it is not a monitor you correspond with, but a real person with values and emotions, who can be offended.

Concluding Remarks

“Politeness makes one appear outwardly as they should be within.” —Jean de la Bruyere

Politeness plays a significant role in enduring romantic relationships, though not necessarily the conventional role of politeness in interacting with strangers. Romantic relationships are not always a rose garden—as the popular song puts it, “Along with the sunshine there’s got to be a little rain sometime.” In order to reduce the number of rainy days, and more so to manage these days, politeness, and, especially, tact are of particular importance. Politeness is not a lifesaver, but it may nurture more pleasant and profound romantic relationships.