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A few years ago, our daughter went through a period of intense anxiety and panic. It was often at its worst in the morning, and she would beg us to let her stay home from school.

One morning during that time stands out. It was my turn to talk her out of bed, and she insisted she was staying home.

I was torn. On the one hand, I knew she needed to go to school and that staying home was at best a temporary solution to her overwhelming anxiety. On the other hand, I wanted to spare my child from emotional pain, and forcing her to go to school just felt wrong.

Like countless parents who face this situation, I felt stuck and powerless. “You want to relieve their suffering,” says Regine Galanti, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and author of the new book Parenting Anxious Kids. “And the easiest way to do that is to give them what they say they need.”

Understandably, many parents wind up letting their children stay home because of anxiety. On a gut level, I thought that maybe we could wait till the anxiety wasn’t so bad, and then our daughter could go back to school. But unfortunately, that’s not how it tends to work.

The Costs of Avoiding School

There typically is a steep cost when we let a child stay home because of anxiety. Rather than making things easier down the road, it leads to even more anxiety about school and less willingness to go. “If you let a kid stay home from school repeatedly [because they’re anxious],” says Galanti, “you’re going to make their anxiety so much worse.”

As a result, one anxiety-driven absence tends to lead to more. “What we know about anxiety is that the more you avoid,” says Galanti, “the easier it is to avoid and the harder it is to approach a situation.” Allowing school avoidance sends the message that anxiety is something we need to avoid, or is even dangerous, and that the child is too fragile to handle it. Being absent can also trigger anxiety about the schoolwork and tests they’re missing, on top of the initial anxiety, making it even harder for a child to return to school.

There are social and academic downsides, as well. When a child misses school it “negatively impacts their social interactions,” Galanti says. “They’re going to lose out developmentally. There’s even some research showing that kids miss out on a measurable amount of reading after missing one extra day per semester.”

While some absences are unavoidable, such as for illness or a funeral, missing additional days or even weeks because of anxiety creates an added toll on kids, making it harder for them to catch up in the classroom.

Recognize When It’s Anxiety

Sometimes, anxiety symptoms are obvious, but many times—especially with younger kids—they’re harder to recognize. Galanti noted that parents tend to assume that things like nausea, a stomach ache, or a headache must mean there is a physical problem—but often the symptoms are actually manifestations of anxiety.

It’s possible to overcorrect, of course, so parents should consult with their pediatrician to rule out an actual physical issue. Consultation with a skilled child therapist can help to distinguish illness from anxiety.

Know When Your Own Anxiety Is Triggered

As Galanti points out, it’s not only your child’s anxiety that contributes to their staying home from school. “Apples don’t necessarily fall far from the tree,” says Galanti, “so anxious parents [often] have anxious kids,” due to both genetics and to parenting practices.

When a child is anxious and refusing to go to school, a parent is probably “experiencing the same cycle about their child’s anxiety,” Galanti explains. She often finds that parents are unsure of what they’re supposed to do and feel like they have to help their child escape from their anxiety and distress. Common sources of anxiety can include:

• Concern about how making a child attend school will affect your relationship with them
• Worry about “traumatizing” an anxious child if you don’t let them stay home
• On the other side, thoughts about how missing school would be “catastrophic”
• Distress about your parenting skills and thinking you’re not handling things well

That last thought popped up for me when my daughter said she wasn’t going to school. What kind of parent and psychologist am I when I can’t even help my own daughter? I thought.

When you’re aware of your own anxiety, you’re less likely to let it drive your decisions. You’ll also be better able to support your child as you help them face their school-related anxiety.

Offer Compassion as You Support Your Child’s Attendance

The best long-term solution for anxious kids is to avoid starting a pattern of school avoidance. That way you and your child won’t have to negotiate every time whether the anxiety is “bad enough” for them to stay home, and you’ll avoid the downsides discussed above.

So what can parents do when a child says they won’t go to school? Galanti recommends first of all that parents nurture a strong relationship with their child when they’re not in the middle of an anxious episode. “You want to make space for your child outside of their anxiety so they know you’re there for them,” she advises, which “creates the foundation for being able to push them when it’s necessary.”

Galanti also encourages parents to “bring validation when you’re pushing them to do something that makes them anxious.” Avoid messages that suggest, “You have to do this no matter what—buck up!” she said. “That’s not very validating, and it might negatively impact your relationship with your kid.”

Instead, she said to “make it clear that, ‘Hey, I understand your perspective on this. I see how this feels impossible right now, and I want you to succeed as much as you do.’” She also recommends using rewards and praise for school attendance.

On that morning with our daughter, I asked her if she would like us to contact her school counselor so they could meet first thing (my wife’s suggestion). Knowing she would be meeting with a supportive adult helped our daughter to face her school anxiety, which quickly faded once the day began.

Finally, don’t hesitate to enlist the help of a professional. “Reach out to a therapist with experience with school refusal sooner rather than later,”