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Many of my clients who had bad childhood experiences with their mothers wonder if she qualifies for a diagnosis of borderline or narcissistic personality disorder. They also ask me questions about how these two types of mothers might differ in their effect on their children. The following is a very brief outline of how having a borderline or exhibitionist narcissistic personality disorder might impact a woman’s capacity to be a good mother to her children.

Please keep in mind that this is a generalization and will not fit everyone with these diagnoses. It is not meant to be a definitive diagnosis of anyone’s mother. Its purpose is to give some basic information on this topic.

Note: In this post, I am using the terms BPD and borderline as shorthand for someone who qualifies for a full diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. Similarly, I am using the terms NPD, narcissist, and narcissistic as shorthand for someone who qualifies for a full diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder.

Let’s imagine two mothers—one has borderline personality disorder and the other has an exhibitionist narcissist personality disorder.

The Borderline Mother

The basic issues associated with BPD can include:

• Extreme emotions that people with BPD have difficulty dealing with appropriately.
• The use of maladaptive coping mechanisms to regulate their emotions, such as binge-eating, cutting, inappropriate sexual relationships, and substance abuse.
• Excessive fear of abandonment and/or fear of being engulfed by the emotional needs of the other person.
• Low self-esteem and feeling unlovable.
• Seeking love and nurturing from inappropriate people.
• Difficulty being alone.
• Feeling inadequate to meet normal adult responsibilities.
• Impulsive decision-making and poor planning.
• Lack of whole object relations. This is the formal term for the inability to see oneself and other people in an integrated, realistic, and stable way. Instead, people are viewed as either all-bad or all-good.

Common problems associated with having a borderline mother

People with BPD tend to have difficulty organizing themselves well enough to reliably meet some of the demands of everyday life. They often get sidetracked by emotional issues or feel too inadequate to handle adult responsibilities, such as paying their taxes, saving for the future, finishing projects that they have started, and keeping their home clean and organized.

There are exceptions, of course, but there is no room in this brief introduction to adequately address all the variations. So, I will stick to generalizations that are mostly true.

The borderline mother’s difficulty organizing herself means that she may forget important appointments—such as bringing their children for dental checkups, remembering to pick their children up on time from after-school events, or planning ahead to bring cupcakes for a child’s school birthday party. She is usually better at doing things spontaneously based on her desires of the moment.

This difficulty with planning may translate into an inability (or unwillingness) to maintain a consistent schedule for her children’s meals, helping with their homework, and ensuring that they go to bed at a reasonable time. Life with these mothers may be fun but it can have a somewhat chaotic style unless the other parent picks up the slack and makes sure that daily tasks get done.

At their worst, borderline mothers may be very emotionally unstable, suffer from severe anxiety and depression, need excessive reassurance of their children’s love, and find normal, adult responsibilities too stressful. Many everyday things may seem like an emotional emergency to them or a huge unwanted burden. If she is a single mother, she may neglect her children in her obsessive search for a loving mate.

Strengths

On the plus side, borderline mothers are likely to be warm, affectionate, flexible, creative, and spontaneous. They can be emotionally empathic and nurturing when their personal problems do not get in the way.

What does this mean for their children?

• The borderline mother may be emotionally clingy and needy.
• She may make her children into her companions or use them as an emotional substitute for an unavailable husband.
• There may be a role reversal in which the children find themselves soothing their mother instead of vice versa.
• The children may feel less well taken care of than their friends are.
• Their mother may only do the chores that she enjoys.
• This means that if she likes shopping, they will get lots of new clothes, but the heels of their shoes may be rundown because she never gets around to bringing them to a shoemaker.
• As the mother has never fully grown up herself, she cannot teach her children how to be independent adults.
• She may subtly (and not so subtly) resist her children growing up and becoming independent of her.
• As the children mature and start leaving the nest, she may feel abandoned by them and make them feel guilty for leaving her.

The Exhibitionist Narcissist Mother

The basic issues associated with the exhibitionist subtype of NPD may include:

1. Extreme self-centeredness.
2. The desire to be the focus of admiring attention at all times.
3. The need for constant external validation that they are special.
4. Preoccupation with appearance over substance.
5. Hypersensitivity to perceived slights or insults.
6. Focus on gaining status.
7. Difficulty regulating their own self-esteem.
8. Little or no emotional empathy.
9. Either idealizing or devaluing people with nothing in between.
10. Insensitivity to other people’s needs and wishes.
11. Lack of whole object relations.

Common problems associated with having a narcissistic mother

People with NPD often suffer from “one-mindedness.” This means that they do not comprehend that it is possible to have different, equally valid points of view. As a result, the narcissistic mother is likely to take it personally and feel criticized when her children express opinions that differ from hers. She is also likely to interpret any form of disobedience as a personal attack. Her view is likely to be: “If they respected me, they would obey me.”

Because narcissists may lack emotional empathy, she is unlikely to be good at attuning to her infant’s needs or helping her children regulate their moods. Instead, she is likely to feel hurt whenever her child rebuffs her attempts to interact in the way that she chooses.

The exhibitionist narcissist mother wants to be the center of admiring attention at all times. This can make it hard for her to relinquish center-stage to her children. She may take credit for their successes. As one such mother told me, “My daughter was a hit as the lead in her school play because of the great costume that I made for her.”

Narcissistic mothers are usually very concerned about the image that the family presents to the world. They are likely to pressure their children to conform to their idea of perfect, especially in public.

Strengths

On the plus side, narcissists are often very competent in areas that relate to achievement. In their search for narcissistic supplies, they can be persistent and get things done. As such, many narcissistic mothers can act as models for their children on how to achieve life goals.

What does this mean for their children?

• The narcissistic mother may be very judgmental and critical of her children’s mistakes.
• She is likely to be oversensitive and easily offended by anything that they do that she finds unpleasant.
• She may compete with her children for the spotlight or take credit for their successes.
• She is likely to be very concerned about what the neighbors think.
• She may push her children to achieve in areas that she considers important without regard to her children’s preferences.
• She is likely to relate to her children in an “on” and “off” way—warm and full of praise when they please her, but angry, cold, and devaluing when they do not.
• If she has more than one child, she may play favorites, or see whoever is pleasing her at that moment as special and the other child as worthless.
• She may become abusive if her child openly disobeys her.
• She may use shame and public humiliation to punish disobedience. The family motto might be: Don’t make Mommy mad.

Summary

The borderline mother is likely to be warmer, more fun, and less scary than the narcissist mother; but she may also be over-emotional and find the day-to-day responsibilities of child care overwhelming. The narcissistic mother is likely to be better organized, but less empathic and flexible. Her tendency to devalue anyone who displeases her may negatively impact her children's self-esteem.