Compassion, kindness, trust, and love are emotional states that also serve as values. They are not only important for personal growth and well-being but also for maintaining healthy relationships and communities. Each emotion/value represents a different aspect of our humanity. Each allows us to escape the prison of self-obsession.

Humane emotions are incompatible with most negative emotional states. That is, you can’t experience any of the humane emotions and negative feelings at the same time. To deeply sympathize with the hurt of a loved one heals your own; supporting the well-being of loved ones enhances your own. But the converse is not true, especially not in emotionally bonded relationships. Focusing on your own feelings and desires and excluding those of your loved ones causes subtle guilt and shame, likely to surface as resentment or anxiety.

Test the hypothesis for yourself. Think of the bad feelings you’ve had about loved ones. Were you focused on how you felt or how they felt? Think of good feelings you’ve had about loved ones. Were you focused on how you felt or how they felt?

Emotional states, unlike values, are transitory—they don't last long. However, strong feelings create an illusion of permanence. That's because emotional states, positive or negative, serve as filters of memory. When you’re angry, it’s hard to recall not being angry; when anxious, memories of calm and peacefulness are unavailable. Remembering times when you were angry, resentful, or anxious prolongs those feelings in the present. Justifying them extends them well into the future. That’s why, when we feel angry, resentful, or anxious, it seems like we’ve always felt that way, like everything is unfair or frustrating. But when you’re compassionate, kind, or loving, it seems like it wasn’t really you acting out anger or resentment; it was someone else who yelled and cursed at your beloved partner and children. Feelings change for the better when we invest in humane values.

Focusing on How You Want to Be

The human brain isn’t proficient at doing negatives. We won’t be successful trying not to be angry, resentful, contemptuous, or disgusted. We must do something incompatible with what we don’t want to do. For example, all my new clients are angry and resentful at loved ones because that is my clinical specialty. They ask for help not to be angry and resentful. When they learn to view their loved ones more compassionately, problem anger and resentment dissipate.

Compassion is recognizing in others the human frailty we all share. It’s difficult for many people to recognize—much less sympathize with—the frailty hidden beneath their anger and resentment. It's a bit easier for them to see beyond their defenses and allow themselves to sympathize with the hurt of their loved ones and then act on the motivation of compassion to help. At that point, the entire family begins to heal.

While the focus of compassion is on the pain, discomfort, or hardship of others, with motivation to help, the focus of kindness is on their well-being, with motivation to support. Emotionally bonded relationships can hardly survive without compassion or thrive without kindness.

Test the hypothesis: Do you like yourself better when compassionate and kind or resentful and angry?

If anxiety is an issue in your relationship, you’re probably dealing with distrust. You may have noticed that focus on trust raises anxiety, which, in turn, makes it harder to trust. It’s wiser to build compassion first, as trust is a function of compassion. Attempts to trust without compassion fall apart under stress. I can’t honestly trust you if you don’t sympathize with my pain or seem unconcerned with my well-being, and you won’t trust me. Only by understanding the hurt of others and how they habitually cope with it can we wisely trust them. When trust is a goal in a relationship, the goalposts continually move. Make compassion the goal, and trust will return on its own.

Love is perhaps the most profound and transformative of the humane values. It transcends boundaries and connects us to others on a deep, emotional level. Love can take many forms, from the unconditional love of parents for their children to the romantic love between partners. It involves feelings of affection, care, and compassion, and it motivates us to act in the best interests of others.

Humane Emotions and Disagreement

When families invest in humane values, they are likely to have more disagreements because it's safe to disagree. Common disagreements don't turn into arguments or unpleasant exchanges. That happens only when we fail at humane emotions, usually due to perceived ego offenses. Life is hard, and relationships are painful when egos are bigger than values. But at any point during a torrent of negative feelings, pausing to get in touch with your compassion, kindness, or love will regulate all negative emotions and transform the interaction. There is no better method of emotion regulation.