It doesn’t feel fair. We treat our children with love; we feed them, support them, and do our best to take care of their needs. Yet when they become teenagers, they often seem to have no regard for our feelings. They rage at us and tell us we couldn’t possibly understand them, and they argue about anything at the drop of a hat. This can be very hard to take when we’ve done our best to show them they are loved and cared about. It can be emotionally draining and overwhelming.

During these difficult years for us and them, here are five things to remember that might make things a little easier.

1. Some defiance is normal.

Normal? It certainly may not feel normal. However, in their teenage years, children need to establish their own identities. This means they may be breaking away and rejecting many facets of their parents’ norms in order to create their own. In fact, it’s important they have a certain amount of independence so they develop the confidence they need to move forward with their lives.

2. It won’t always be this way.

Chances are that things are going to change in a few years. Yes, I know it may seem intolerable now; however, most teens reduce this defiance as they gain more confidence in themselves. While developmentally, they may try to reject the rules and norms of the family, it’s likely they will settle down and start being more appreciative of their upbringing as they get older.

3. Blaming doesn’t help.

Some parents blame themselves for their children’s sudden aberrant behaviors. As mentioned earlier, some defiance is a developmental necessity. It’s not that, as parents, we necessarily did anything wrong. Other reasons for argumentative behaviors can be their desire to fit in with their peer group. Being liked by their friends can be paramount in a teen’s life, and this may be the reason teens fight so hard for the clothes they want or the parties they want to attend. The important thing to remember is that we are most likely not responsible for the changes in our teen’s behavior.

4. Try not to become emotionally overwhelmed.

This is a hard one. When our kids push our buttons, it’s easy to become upset and raise our voices. We may even become as emotional as our child, which can quickly escalate things, making a volatile situation even worse.

The key is to recognize that we are the parents. Ultimately, we are the ones who have the authority. That authority may be challenged; however, if we stay in our intellect and don’t allow ourselves to become emotionally overwhelmed, then hopefully, our teen will fall in line. The less we become emotionally caught up in the situation, the harder it is for our teen to escalate the conflict.

5. Trust that family rules have not been forgotten.

Just because our children challenge our rules and household norms doesn’t mean they’ve forgotten them. Yes, they may say that they’re going to do what they want and that we can’t control them; however, most of the time, they understand their limits. They haven’t forgotten their boundaries; they’re just testing them. If they were going to completely disregard household rules, chances are that they wouldn’t be arguing with us; they would have just done what they wanted. Of course, if a teen is uncontrollable and a danger to themselves or others, that’s a different situation and may require additional resources for help.

The bottom line is that teenagers can be frustrating. It can feel that every little thing we ask of them creates an emotionally charged situation. Recognizing that creating their own independence is part of their developmental process can take some of the tension out of the situation. Some argumentativeness and defiance are a normal part of their developmental process and will hopefully become less of an issue as they continue to mature and gain more confidence.