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While counseling a group of seventh-graders I asked them to reflect about what they would like to improve in their lives. Two of them said that they wished they could do better in science. They explained that they had a difficult science teacher. One of them said, “My teacher makes fun of me.”

Another student said she wished she wasn’t antagonistic against her math teacher. She said that her math teacher hates her. “She told me she would rather have pneumonia than have me in her second-period class. That’s why I really enjoy making trouble in that class.”

“You do not appear to have good teachers,” I responded. “When teachers badmouth their students, they disrupt the learning process. But the questions you might consider are: How do you deal with these difficult teachers? You’re going to continue to encounter some difficult people in your lives. Is there something you are doing to contribute to the difficult interactions? What can you change to best deal with your teachers when they cannot be avoided?”

We discuss four tips to keep in mind when interacting with people you dislike, or those who dislike you. As we talked about these ideas, I recognized that they are applicable to how we deal with each other in our society at large.

Thoughts of Loving Kindness

I explained to the students that my first tip involves a counterintuitive suggestion: Use thoughts of loving kindness with their difficult teachers. In other words, think good thoughts about their teachers including that they should be happy, healthy, calm, and at ease.

I explained that when my students have used such loving kindness thoughts they often report an improvement in their relationships with someone they disliked, such as a classmate, teacher, family member, or employer. This improvement may occur because the students changed their attitude or behavior during their interactions. In turn, the disliked person may pick up an improvement in my students’ verbal and non-verbal cues toward them that can help change their response to the students.

What You Say Is What Happens

The students seemed incredulous when I told them about using loving kindness with a teacher they disliked. The student who disliked her math teacher exclaimed, “I can’t do that!”

I cautioned her about making such a statement. I reminded her of automobile manufacturer Henry Ford’s quote: Whether you think you can, or think you can’t, you are right.

I showed the students how their statements could affect their arm strength. I demonstrated with one of them. After extending his right arm and resisting having it pushed down, he became noticeably weaker when he said “I’m weak,” while he became stronger when he said, “I’m strong.”

Thus, I emphasized that the students should be careful about the messages they tell themselves, and aim for their self-talk to lead them in a desirable direction, including in dealing with difficult teachers. For example, a student might say, "I wish I could deal better with my teacher."

Treat Each Other with Respect

We further discussed that during disagreements, it’s important to remember the adage taught to me by psychiatrist Ellen Cook Jacobsen: Confrontation leads to resistance.

I suggested that antagonizing one’s teacher is a surefire way to make the teacher defensive. Similarly, when teachers antagonize students, their students tend to shut down or resist improvement.

If the goal is to improve a relationship or situation, it is important to treat each other with respect and develop a genuine desire to understand the other person. For example, perhaps a difficult teacher is going through a health crisis and has little remaining emotional bandwidth to deal patiently with energetic students. Or perhaps a teacher misunderstood a student’s intentions, which led to the development of friction between them.

Positive Self-Talk

Finally, sometimes we run into disagreeable people who seem incorrigible. For example, some teachers refuse to change their educational method, even when it appears to be ineffective or to upset some of their students. In such situations, it is important for students to maintain their self-esteem and confidence even in the face of negative input from their teachers.

This can be accomplished with the use of positive self-talk. By focusing on encouraging, truthful statements about themselves, people can counter the negativity they might otherwise absorb from others. For example, if teachers berate their students by telling them that they are disliked, the students can counter this statement in their minds by thinking, “I am a good and likable student,” or “I can do well in this class.”

Takeaway

I wish that many people in our society would adopt the tips I reviewed with my students. Imagine how our world would change with the widespread use of loving kindness, self-affirmation, setting our intentions through positive talk, and understanding that change is best promoted by avoiding confrontation and rather working toward understanding and accepting of each other.