Here’s an assertion that many people would question: inner critics have good intentions. Do you believe it? Most of us have an inner critic. I would have gladly silenced mine a few years ago if I could have figured out how, and you may feel the same way. You’ve heard its message too often. Your lacks, mistakes, bad choices, and bad behavior – relentless, tormenting recitations that finally seem pointless and sadistic. Would you please shut up? But snarling back or putting a pillow over your head won’t stop the inner critic, and the relief of alternatives like soothing with alcohol or pot, eating comfort food, buying a lottery ticket – or distracting with overwork, overexercise, and the like – is only brief. So how do we get out of this? Where’s the exit?

If you were to chat with your critic – I hope you will, and I give an example below – you would likely hear about its good intentions. Inner critics are what Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS) calls parts, meaning they are psychic subpersonalities. Although their language is often harsh, they actually want us to be safe and feel loved. They’ve seen the inhibitory power of shaming (think back to when you have been shamed) and they aim to make use of that power to save us from a perpetually threatening state of shamefulness. They want to avoid future shaming by improving or hiding the vulnerable young parts of you who draw fire (You’re too… sassy, sensitive, strong, weak, tall, short...). Too young and earnest themselves to grasp the irony of shaming to prevent the feeling of shamefulness, inner critics are eager copycats.

Since they intend for us to feel better, they are, in my experience, surprised by the idea that their shaming actually promotes shamefulness and creates even more vulnerability to external shaming. In short, though pitiless and negative, inner critics are naïve, hard-working, self-sacrificing protective parts with laudable goals. They aren’t bad and they will calm down when you pay attention and help them with their fear of being unlovable. I don’t mean to imply this will be easy. You will probably need help to complete the mission, but you can start by getting to know your critic.

First, get some privacy and a few minutes to yourself. Then turn your attention inside and notice the critic. Does it show up as a voice in your head? If so, do you recognize the voice? Or does it have a location in your body? Do you see it? Regardless of how you experience this critic, put it in a comfortable room in your imagination. Stay outside, look at it, and notice how you feel toward it. Dislike? Fear? Let’s assume this is how other parts feel toward it. Ask them to relax, even just a bit, so you can take the lead and be curious.

As soon as other parts are willing to step back, a different “you” will be apparent. You will feel something in the ballpark of expansive, relaxed, aware, and grown-up. Perhaps you will feel calm. Perhaps joyful. In any case, this is the you I’m talking about. You are the one who remains when your parts make some room inside. You are the one who notices them. You are the one who can help them. Start by asking inside if anyone else objects to you having a chat with the critic. If not, ask if you can also go into the room with the critic. If no one objects to that, go ahead. But if someone does object, stay outside. Either way, ask the critic to take a break from its job and instead talk with you about why it does the job. Here is an example.

This is ubiquitous - and unnecessary. There is a better way.

THE ILLUSTRATION Image by John Hain from Pixabay

YOU: You’re so good at criticizing! How did you get this job?

PART: I have to do it because you’re an idiot who can’t do anything right.

YOU: Hmmm. I know you’re really good at saying that stuff. But would you be willing to put it on hold for a minute and talk about how you got the job?

PART: Well, okay. You were always getting hurt and someone needed to help.

YOU: Thanks. I appreciate it. How old do you think I am?

PART: You know… 5, 10.

YOU: I do know. If I could help the part of me who had a lousy time during those years, would you have to work this hard?

PART: No. But I don’t believe you can help. I don’t even know who you are.

YOU: Fair enough. For starters, I’m not that kid. I’m grown up. Can you see me?

PART: I do now.

YOU: And I can help the kid.

PART: How?

YOU: I know you’ve been trying to change her for years. Has it worked?

PART: Yes. No. Not really.

YOU: So, I have a better idea. Let’s not change her.

PART: I don’t know about that.

YOU: I promise she doesn’t need to change. She feels bad because she got hurt, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with her and I can help her feel better. Will you let me show you?

PART: I don’t believe you, but be my guest. But I’m not going anywhere!

YOU: I’m glad of that. Since you know her so well, please speak up if you think I need advice.

Protective parts like inner critics do their jobs because they see no choice. It may be a matter of life and death. Giving up is unthinkable. Your job is to interrupt this mindset by inviting them to try something new: making room inside and noticing you. They are not alone, you exist, and you can help. Try it. See what happens. And, if you feel inspired to notice your critic in other ways, write, draw, paint, sing, or dance about what you discover – the more you offer this and other parts kind, compassionate attention, the more they will notice and cooperate with you. Everyone will benefit.