One of the things parents want most for their kids is a happy social life. As a therapist, I look for this, too. During an initial evaluation, I ask whether my clients have at least a couple of close friends they enjoy spending time with, and this gives me a glimpse at their social skills and social development. I also ask whether they are experiencing any mean or aggressive behavior from friends or classmates because I know how harmful these experiences can be to young people’s mental health. Children can feel overwhelmed and uncertain about how to navigate social challenges, and when these issues persist, they can develop a sense of isolation or even depression (Chen et al., 2022; Matthews et al., 2023).

Parents do their best to foster their children’s social development, and they are most aware of their children’s social abilities when they’re young. They hear about their children’s peer interactions from daycare and preschool teachers, or they’re on the playground to see it for themselves. They can intervene when their young child isn’t sharing or when another child is aggressive toward theirs. As children move from elementary school into middle school, though, parents rely more and more on kids’ own accounts of peer and classmate interactions. We ask about the school day and hope for some stories about friends and schoolmates. When kids are visibly upset about someone hurting their feelings or giving them the brush-off, parents can offer comfort and advice. But since the COVID-19 pandemic began, more and more of our tweens’ and teens’ social relationships are taking place online, and that makes them feel more private and inaccessible in some ways.

Recent surveys indicate that children between 8-10 years old spend around six hours per day in front of a screen, while those aged 11-14 use screens for about nine hours per day. Some of those hours are for school or solo entertainment like TV viewing, but a good portion is spent texting, chatting, and gaming with friends. Good stuff is happening. Of course, occasional conflicts and mean behavior happen as well. Parents can get as familiar as possible with how their teens’ and tweens’ online time is being spent and reclaim their role as social coaches. We have the wisdom to share whether tough interactions occur in person or online.

A recent health advisory published by the American Psychological Association in May 2023, emphasizes that social media use is not in itself inherently negative or positive. Rather, the risks and benefits depend very much on the child’s personality, interests, vulnerabilities, and the way that they are using social media. For many young people, it offers numerous benefits. Social media is an important source of connection for our kids and their friends, and it offers them access to support in stressful times. For youth who are marginalized in our society, these connections can be a lifeline. There are downsides to consider as well. A large survey of teens conducted by the Pew Research Center in 2022 yielded insights into some of the challenging aspects of social media use for adolescents: respondents said it can make them feel left out; they can feel pressure to get views or likes for their posts and sometimes they feel “overwhelmed because of all the drama” on social media. Online communication and social media have become an all-too-common medium for relational aggression as well.

Relational aggression is the more academic term for the mean behavior conducted using social power and influence to harm a peer’s reputation or hurt their feelings. It includes spreading an embarrassing rumor about someone, deliberately leaving someone out of a conversation, or telling someone they can’t be your friend unless they stop talking to someone else. Online platforms take relational aggression to new levels, kids may start a group chat and purposely leave someone out who would have expected to be part of it. Or one friend may convince others to gang up on a peer during online video gaming. “Trash talk” on gaming platforms can be “all in good fun” or it can cross the line into verbal harassment. The problem is that our kids may be accepting this behavior as something they have to put up with if they want to interact online. Some kids have thick skin that protects them from insults, some turn inward and withdraw, while others are hurt or stressed by these interactions, leading them to blow up in anger or melt down in tears.

Unless a child wears their heart on their sleeve, you may have to really use your spidey senses to detect when something is amiss. Parents may need to be a bit more proactive in this area than they had anticipated. In addition to looking for those natural teachable moments to talk about social skills and social dynamics, it can be helpful to bring this up in a family meeting or check-in. Parents can also talk during dinner about how their child’s friends have been treating them and whether they are stressed about any of these interactions. Self-disclosure can help get the conversation going—maybe you remember a painful incident from your own youth, or maybe you’ve witnessed hurtful gossip at work and can share how you managed that. Parents can look for openings for conversation in TV shows or videos they watch together with their child—talk about socially toxic interactions being depicted and reflect on whether these issues come up in their real lives.

Whether your kid is a TikTokker, a group chatter, or a devoted gamer, it’s important that parents debrief with them when they notice frustration or negative moods related to their time online. Parents can point out that they’re noticing a pattern, and that they are supposed to be having fun rather than being upset by the game or the comments on the TikTok video they posted. Don’t be put off by their defensiveness. You can say: “I know you like doing this — I just want to understand more about it and why it’s getting stressful for you.” If they share about another kid’s mean comments, then you can ask if they want some ideas for how to handle it.

If a parent learns that mean comments from other kids in the game are creating a negative, hostile atmosphere, they should offer some social coaching. Teaching kids to set boundaries is important online, just as it is offline. Talk with your child about how they can manage this in the chat or in person the next time they see their friends. They can start simply by typing in the chat, “Stop with the insults. It’s not funny.” Try to get them to role-play a real-life conversation with you since that makes it more likely they will use the strategy in real life. If they won’t engage, you can still act out what you would want them to say to the other kids. If they ask the other kids to tone it down and nothing changes, parents should guide them to choose a different game or a different group of kids to play with. Each online community has its own culture, and if there's a lot of upsetting trash talk, the child should consider whether this game is more fun or more frustrating. Maybe there's a different game that would be a better fit for them. If they don’t make a change, they will continue feeling stressed, and the other kids won’t know they crossed a line.

When a problem arises, being non-judgmental and conveying a relaxed tone can help. Let them know you'd like to help them — because the apps they’re using or their chats with classmates are supposed to be enjoyable. Try not to be reactive: If you see an issue, remember there’s usually time to work with your child to address it or respond to it. When we’re more reactive or harsh, we shut down communication, and kids start being more private or sneaky. Research shows that young people are less likely to tell their parents about incidents of cyberbullying because they are worried they will lose access. This underscores the need to create open lines of communication about their digital lives from early on—before there’s a problem. Increasingly, it seems, kids take their phone and game time as a right rather than a privilege. Parents need to carve out their place in their kids’ digital lives.

Define your role–hopefully some combination of observer, supervisor, and social consultant—when kids first get a game console or a phone. If you have regular family meetings, this topic can be woven in. If you prefer to handle it more casually, talk about what they’re seeing that’s fun or funny, but be sure to ask now and then about what your child is witnessing as far as mean behavior online and what they themselves are experiencing. Even if today’s online world is different from the one many parents grew up with, remember that you still have a lot of relevant experience to help guide your kids and foster healthy social development.