We have often been misled about the definition of self-esteem. We tend to believe that healthy self-esteem would mean a person who “has their stuff together.” This means that they do not suffer, they do not experience problems, they are always kind, never angry, and you might not ever see them cry. They are not expected to exhibit behavior such as using curse words or being seen as in any way unsocial.

But self-esteem is not born of being socially correct. It is not built on trying to live out a kind of Superwoman or Superman role in which we never experience or display emotion. It is not trying hard, harder, hardest to please family, religion, school, or workmates.

Actually, self-esteem is Self-esteem. What is Self? It is the deepest essence of who we are. It is the Authentic Self. It is synonymous with your soul—according to such great mental health leaders as Carl Jung. This is not meant in any particular religious terms but it does reflect a language for the wordless essential depths of personhood.

While we may not always have words for this deep essence, we do know when we are living it. We feel grounded. We are able to name, express, and regulate difficult feelings because of this deep sense of Self. We have a deep sense that whatever happens in this life, we will figure it out.

Natural Growth is Authentic

Andrea Mathews

That doesn’t mean that we are never anxious, never filled with deep sorrow, never angry, never confused, never feeling remorse or regret, never feeling any of the deep and many emotions that may appear singularly or as a mix. Emotions are an essential part of humanity. And if nothing else, Self is absolute humanity.

Self-esteem does not mean the absence of emotions. We absolutely must get rid of that belief. Self-esteem means that we esteem, hold worthy, and respect our humanity. We allow ourselves to be real. We do not eschew our own essential nature.

Self-esteem also does not mean that we reflect the particular values of our family systems—for as most of us know by now, our family systems can be very dysfunctional. In fact, some of the people with the most potent Self-esteem have come from these homes and done the work of uncovering the Self from the layers of dysfunction that they carried for years. Further, even the most functional environment may not give a child Self-esteem, for Self-esteem cannot be given to another person.

Therefore, Self-esteem does not always start in a functional home environment, or a functional religious system, school system, or, later, a functional work environment. While these environments can support Self-esteem, they cannot create it. Self-esteem is made of finding and, thereby, beginning to live from the authentic Self.

Self-esteem is found in the belief that our worthiness as people is simply inherent. It does not come from our obedience to the social agendas of the times. We are worthy because we are alive. We rarely-to-never question the worth of animals based on their behavior. We do not question the worth of a tree or flower because it grows differently or not at all. Rather, we typically allow only that humans be singularly picked out as the ones whose worth can be questioned in that way.

While it is true that people who disobey the law need to be contained, instructed, and, hopefully, sent along a new path, that does not mean they are unworthy. They, too, have a Self that can be found and lived.

We can only esteem a Self we have found and begun to live. There is simply no greater esteem of Self than honoring it by living it out.