LONELINESS & ANXIETY: THE UNSOLVED PUZZLE

Loneliness can lead to anxiety by triggering feelings of social inadequacy, fear of rejection, and heightened self-consciousness. When individuals feel disconnected from others, they may develop irrational beliefs about their social worth and ability to form meaningful relationships. This cognitive distortion can fuel anxiety symptoms such as excessive worrying, rumination, and avoidance of social situations. Over time, chronic loneliness can exacerbate anxiety disorders, as individuals become trapped in a cycle of negative thoughts and behaviors driven by their fear of rejection and isolation. Seeking social support and addressing underlying emotional needs are crucial in mitigating loneliness-induced anxiety.

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LONELINESS & ANXIETY
: THE UNSOLVED PUZZLE
Loneliness can lead to anxiety by triggering feelings of social inadequacy, fear of rejection, and heightened self-consciousness. When individuals feel disconnected from others, they may develop irrational beliefs about their social worth and ability to form meaningful relationships. This cognitive distortion can fuel anxiety symptoms such as excessive worrying, rumination, and avoidance of social situations. Over time, chronic loneliness can exacerbate anxiety disorders, as individuals become trapped in a cycle of negative thoughts and behaviors driven by their fear of rejection and isolation. Seeking social support and addressing underlying emotional needs are crucial in mitigating loneliness-induced anxiety.

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#loneliness #love #lonely #alone #sad #depression #sadness

BURNOUT-
The Losses That Come With Burnout.
How to deal with burnout losses to support recovery.

KEY POINTS-
When experiencing burnout, you will inevitably experience losses (e.g., loss of health).
The more you push to regain the losses, the worse things will be.
Lean into burnout losses with acceptance and compassion.
The more I delve into working with others experiencing burnout, the more I hear the experience of loss. Loss of health, loss of job/career, loss of identity, loss of self-worth, and loss of abilities to focus, attend, and make decisions. They share that with this loss comes waves of sadness and, at times, a sense of helplessness when they look into their future.

I can relate.
When I was burnt out, I experienced waves of loss. For me, it was the loss of a future, career, independence, and joy. Experiencing this was excruciatingly painful. However, I was in the privileged position to know what to do when I felt these burnout losses. Due to my psychology training and experience, I was equipped with the knowledge and know-how to support myself each time a wave of loss came over me. But I know not everyone has this. I want to pass this wisdom on so you can ride the waves of burnout losses just like I did.

First, you need to know that burnout losses are tricky experiences. This is because they tend to stick around for a while. They do so because some take time to resolve (e.g., regaining health), and others may be unsolvable (e.g., career), and if you push yourself to recover the losses, it will only amplify your suffering. The only solution is to get comfortable with it. Here’s how you do just that:

Step 1: Lean into loss. Mindfully notice your experience of loss and be curious about this experience. Learn as much about it as you can. How does it appear in your body and mind? What feelings and sensations make up this experience? What urges, if any, do you notice?

It may seem weird to lean into your suffering this way, but it is vital. When we tend to our loss this way, we teach the mind that this human experience is safe. If we ignore, push away, or avoid loss, we teach the mind that this experience is unsafe—that loss is a threat that needs to be extinguished (a.k.a. fight-flight response). This never ends well because loss is not something we can ever fully run away from or win through fighting, only through feeling and tending to it.

Step 2: Acknowledge loss. Consciously allow what is in this moment, no matter how difficult. You do not have to like or want it, but allow it to be because it is here. You can do this by naming the loss experience and the components of it. Say quietly and gently to yourself, "Here is loss" and "Here is sadness."

Step 3: Ground yourself. Engage in mindful grounding techniques through your breath, body, and senses. This will help you stay with the experience of loss, as you may experience urges to pull away.

You can do so by bringing your attention to what you can see, hear, taste, touch, and smell in your environment. Better yet, have several go-to sensory items that give you a sense of safety. Mine are looking out to nature (e.g., the sky), smelling flowers, tuning into the birds chirping, and patting my dogs.

You can also bring your attention to your body. You can move it in whatever way feels right for you (e.g., stretching) or be wherever you are at this moment (e.g., sitting). As you move and attend to your body, notice that there is a body here you can move in whatever way is needed that is supported by the elements around you (e.g., the ground).

You can also bring your attention to your breath. Slow it down and deepen it as best you can, allowing for the same rate in as out, finding a pace and rate that is soothing and rhythmic for you. You can send the breath to the parts of you where you feel the loss most intensely, imagining the breath coating the place where you feel the loss most intensely, like a hug from a friend.

Step 4: Let go of your thinking mind. Notice and let go of your mind's evaluations, judgments, analyses, positive reappraisal, and other thoughts of the loss or anything else. Let your mind’s thoughts come and go like clouds in the sky.

This is easier said than done.

When emotions are triggered, our minds become overactive. They go into overdrive to find a solution to help you feel better. This is what the thinking mind is designed to do. However, in situations that are not immediately solvable, especially when your emotions are heightened, your thinking brain is unreliable. It is best not to attend or rely on its help at these times. Engage later when you feel more grounded.

Don’t try to eliminate or stop your thoughts, as it is impossible. Thoughts are automatic processes. They will go in their own time. Instead, shift your attention away from them—"Let them go."

To help yourself let go of your thoughts, ask yourself, "If I attend to these thoughts, where will that lead? What impact will that have?" Or you can notice and name the thoughts: "I am having the thought that ..." or "There goes my problem-solving mind." Meditation is also a great way to help you learn to notice and let go of your thoughts.

Step 5: Show compassion. Tend to your burnout losses like you would a good friend if they were feeling the same way. It may look like allowing yourself to cry, talking it out, journaling, or going for a walk. Whatever the compassionate activity is, do it to relieve your suffering, not eliminate it. If it goes away on its own, that is OK, but if it stays around, that is also OK. Continue to show compassion.

There you have it. I hope this helps. Please seek support if you cannot cope with the burnout losses alone.

DEPRESSION-
What to Do When the Blues Settle In.
A personal perspective: How to cope with the blues until they run their course.
Reviewed by Davia Sills

KEY POINTS-
The blues often come calling for no apparent reason.
It's good to have some strategies in place when they pay a visit.
Take comfort in knowing that the blues, like all emotions, are impermanent.
Sometimes I wake up in the morning to find that the blues have settled in for no apparent reason. I feel little motivation. I feel sad. There’s nothing to do but get up and make the best of the day. Here are a few ways I suggest that you cope with the blues.

1. Take comfort in knowing that the blues, like all emotions, are impermanent.
In the words of Jean de la Fontaine, “Sadness flies away on the wings of time.” Seeing the impermanent nature of the blues can keep you from identifying with them as a fixed part of who you are. The blues arise in the mind, stay awhile, and then pass away. They’re much like the weather: They blow in, and they blow out.

I take comfort in knowing that the blues, like all painful emotions, are impermanent. It helps me to wait them out patiently.

Note: The blues are to be distinguished from a heavy or dark mood that settles in for weeks. That could be a sign of clinical depression, which means it’s time to seek help from a mental health counselor or a trusted advisor.

2. Try not to compare yourself to others.
It’s easy to talk yourself into thinking that you alone have the blues. Most of us know people who always seem to be cheerful. This can give the impression that others don’t share our moods, but human beings are more alike than we realize. The odds are high that the friend who’s always cheerful gets the blues. And that friend who's in a “perfect” relationship gets the blues. Billionaires get the blues. In the words of the title of Tom Robbins’s novel, “Even cowgirls get the blues.”

In other words, no matter what public face you see on other people, you don’t know what their inner life is like. This is why comparing yourself to others is not a wise approach to life. Invariably, it’s going to make you feel worse, and the blues are already making you feel bad enough.

In addition, everyone has been conditioned by their life experiences in ways that often remain at a subconscious level. For most of us, this means we have our share of recurring painful thoughts and emotions. If a parent always told us that nothing we did was good enough, we’re likely to have internalized that message. This conditioning can show itself unexpectedly at any time in the form of painful thoughts, and this can easily trigger the blues.

I think this is why, most of the time, I don’t know the source of my blues, but I’m OK with that. What I do know is that they’ll intensify if I engage in comparisons by telling myself how blues-free everyone is!

3. With as much kindness toward yourself as you can muster, acknowledge how you feel.
Trying to force the blues away is also likely to intensify them. The reason for this is that behind the attempt to force them away is the negative self-judgment: “I shouldn’t feel blue.” Subjecting ourselves to “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” is a major source of suffering for all of us. You deserve your compassion, not negative self-judgment.

In addition, in my experience, ordering myself not to feel a certain way almost always guarantees that I will! So, instead of trying to force the blues away, just be mindfully aware of them without judgment. Maybe even say to yourself something like, “Ah yes, the blues again. I know you. Come for a visit, have you?”

Treating them in this friendly way can actually reduce their intensity. “Friendliness” is one of the translations for the word metta, which is usually described in Buddhist philosophy as the practice of lovingkindness. Sometimes, though, the word “friendliness” is a better translation for me. I don’t need to love those blues, but treating them with friendliness allows me to hold them more lightly until they run their course and go on their way.

4. Try changing your environment—physical or mental.
Changing your environment can change your mood. If at all possible, go outside for a while. Sit or take a short walk. You’ll notice immediately that the air has a different quality. You’ll also notice sights and sounds that are different from those inside. Going outside makes me feel part of the larger world around me, and that in itself can improve a blue mood.

You can also change your mental environment. Think of what’s just plain fun for you, no matter how simple or how silly-sounding—a jigsaw puzzle, sudoku, fiddling with crayons and a coloring book, dancing to rock and roll. I have a few movies that lift my mood. I’ve watched them over and over like you’d do with a favorite piece of music. When the blues settle in, I put one of those movies on. The characters in them are like old friends, and with their company, the blues often vanish.

In fact, it’s quite likely that when you’re finished indulging in your little pleasurable activity, the blues will have lifted. And if they haven’t, at least what you’ve been doing has been a soothing distraction that will help you cope with the blues until they’ve run their course.

5. Reach out to another person.
Tibetan Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön said that sorrow has the same taste for all of us. I think the blues do, too. Connecting with someone else who is struggling can help you realize that you’re not alone.

Reaching out to another can take the simplest form: a short email or text or a supportive comment on social media. It doesn’t take much to brighten another person’s day. Reaching out to another person takes you out of your self-focused thoughts, and that, in itself, can blow those blues away.

***

I hope these five strategies are helpful. You might keep these suggestions nearby because, if you’re like me, the blues are never polite enough to announce ahead of time that they’re going to pay a visit.

Take good care of yourselves, and thanks for reading this little piece.

Understanding Missed Miscarriage and 3 Ways to Move Forward.
How to begin healing from the loss.
Reviewed by Vanessa Lancaster

KEY POINTS-
A missed or silent miscarriage happens early in pregnancy and often has symptoms that can be overlooked.
The most common cause of a missed miscarriage is the embryo having the wrong number of chromosomes because of aging of the eggs.
A missed miscarriage puts stress on the brain and body as the patient tries to figure out what went wrong and if it was preventable.
We were trying to get pregnant for months. I finally went to a fertility doctor and when she examined me with an ultrasound, she said I had been pregnant and miscarried very early. I am in double shock! Because I have irregular periods, I didn’t even realize I was finally pregnant, and I had no symptoms of miscarriage.

None. Now I am so nervous that I am doing pregnancy tests all the time, so afraid I’ll miscarry again that I’m not sleeping, and so very sad thinking about what might have been. I wish I never knew.

My patient was describing what’s often called a missed miscarriage or silent miscarriage. Of course, all miscarriages are traumatic, and sadness, anxiety, guilt, and depression often follow any miscarriage. Since miscarriage is common, at least one in four pregnancies result in a loss. Friends and family often underestimate its emotional impact. Furthermore, there are no established social mourning customs after a miscarriage to help a patient, or her partner, ease the loss.

A missed or silent miscarriage, however, can create additional traumas.

First, the patient may not have a support group in place because the pregnancy might have been unknown or "silent," as well as the miscarriage. This means that the patient often feels alone when they receive the news, and if they choose to share the sad news with friends and family, they will have to relive the shock every time they explain that there was both a pregnancy and a silent miscarriage.

Next, because most missed miscarriages occur early in gestation, usually in the first trimester, friends and family often mistakenly assume the loss will not be as intense as a later loss.

Lastly, because stress goes up when the ability to predict what is coming next goes down, a missed miscarriage puts both brain and body on high alert as the patient tries to figure out what went wrong and whether it was preventable or their fault. Lucky Sekhon, a reproductive endocrinologist at RMA New York and a provider in Progyny’s network, explained that self-blame is misguided because the most common cause is the embryo having the wrong number of chromosomes due to the effects of time and aging on the eggs’ repair mechanisms. Sperm can also contribute the wrong number of chromosomes, but this is less common and usually not age-related unless the paternal age is very advanced (age 50 plus years).

So why were there no early warning symptoms? “It usually means that the ovary hadn't picked up on the embryo not being viable yet and was still producing hormones like progesterone, which stabilized the lining and delayed both bleeding and the uterine cramping triggered by the bleeding,” explained Sekhon.

Sekhon added,
I would not assume that there is an underlying issue beyond the embryo being abnormal, but if two or more miscarriages have taken place, consider testing to look for underlying predispositions to forming genetically abnormal or imbalanced embryos. In fact, at a certain point in the first trimester, everybody should have a scan to ensure the embryo is implanted correctly in the uterus, is viable, and is progressing normally.

Although moving forward on a family-building journey can be difficult after a miscarriage, moving forward is often the most effective way to regain your sense of control and balance the loss with hope.

Three ways to help you move forward include:
Begin acceptance. Start by creating your own memorial or ceremony to honor the pregnancy, or think it will give you some closure after the loss.

Speak to your doctor. Talk with your doctor if your fears about future pregnancies interfere with moving forward. Ask for reassurance that the miscarriage was not the result of anything specific you did or did not do. Ask what information was gained from the miscarriage that may help future treatment be more effective for you.

Find support. If your emotions are overwhelming your ability to heal, seek professional support from those trained to help. The American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM), RESOLVE, the national infertility association, and the Psychology Today are just a few of the organizations that can guide you to them.

Sekhon reassures her patients that it’s “okay not to be okay” and that it takes time to process, heal, and grieve the loss of "what could have been." Also, it’s normal to feel very nervous if you are pregnant again, “especially up until the point where the miscarriage happened in the prior pregnancy.”

This road isn’t easy, and I remind my patients who are afraid to be optimistic because they don’t want to be disappointed again that hoping for success will not jinx their journey. Also, pessimism will not protect them from disappointment if they have another loss. Instead, I encourage them to re-label this period as pre-parenthood, not just post-miscarriage, and to remind themselves that there are many paths to parenthood. It’s important to take what you need to heal and seek professional help when needed.

LONELINESS-
Are Men Dying of Friendlessness?
A look at the Surgeon General's report on the epidemic of loneliness.
Reviewed by Michelle Quirk

KEY POINTS-
For decades there has been a growing loneliness crisis.
Friendlessness has contributed to the loneliness crisis, which may lead to despair and the risk of suicide, most commonly for males.
Focusing on skill-building of the four factors of friendship may offer help.

The US Surgeon General has recently called our attention to an identified crisis of loneliness in America. In it, he identifies factors such as having very few good friends or colleagues in the workplace, the need for more robust public health, equity aspects, and the role of social media in our lives.

In the long-range view, it’s been a growing crisis for about 30 years. We all watched it happen, not connecting friendship directly as the most important factor associated with happiness.

It’s been said that “being alone is different from being lonely.” This means that in being alone, we may be comfortable in who we are and getting some “me” time. When ready, we’ll return to social connection and the goodness of friendship.

Being lonely implies something additional and more fundamentally destructive within the loneliness than being physically solitary.

That factor that transforms pleasant aloneness into loneliness is despair.

The Oxford Dictionary defines despair as “the complete loss or absence of hope.”

In the "loneliness crisis," we ought to become curious about the causes of despair because it is a far greater concern than being pleasantly alone or somewhat lonely.

It is the elephant in the room of loneliness: “deaths of despair” and suicide.

Death by suicide should be our deepest concern about the outcome of prolonged loneliness. The Surgeon General didn’t happen to mention that 78 percent of completed suicides in the United States are males.

I wish he did because, for the ever-expanding numbers of lonely men who come into my office, ten times more must be out there in the community, not even looking for help. Surveys are showing a marked drop in the size of men's social circles.

Within loneliness is friendlessness, and from loneliness, we often descend into the hopelessness of despair.

“Hopelessness about what?” one may ask.
For nearly all the males that I see with loneliness and depression, there are only two general categories: the absence of romantic love and the absence of meaningful work.

Clearly, the “at-risk” group the Surgeon General could be looking at are males of all backgrounds (although teen males and middle-aged males are most concerning).

The purpose of addressing loneliness is not for its own sake but ultimately and obviously to prevent the deaths it may cause.

New programs exist to prevent depression in males that treat the root factors of male suicide. Some of the most prominent researchers in this area are Dr. John Barry and Dr. Martin Seager at the British Psychological Society.

Friendlessness Precedes and Predicts Loneliness
Not long ago, a large research study—The Harvard Study of Adult Development—identified the most significant non-clinical factor affecting mood problems such as depression and anxiety: friendship.

If we are concerned with the connection between loneliness and depression, then we ought to take a clue from the study showing that friendship mitigates depression.

Clearly, friendlessness precedes loneliness and all the tormented experiences of isolation that emanate from it.

We need a lens to look through to see the real causes and answers to the crisis.
That lens is called the Biopsychosocial Model of medicine and behavioral health.

The Biopsychosocial Model
There are three general contributors to behavior, moods, and our problems: the biological, the psychological, and the sociological.

What is often not described in this model—if one doesn’t make it a diagram—is that there is a major, healthy barrier between our psychology and the sociology we are surrounded by: the personal boundary.

While the surgeon general’s intentions are beneficent, his toolbox relies on public policy and, inherently, in sociological, public policy solutions outside an individual's personal psychological mechanics.

This personal boundary means that the only answer to the inner problem of loneliness and friendlessness also may only be found within a person and through actions the individual takes to correct it.

It would be beneficial for us to go back in history to study philosophers such as Aristotle on the anatomy of friendship, how we experience it, and what elements constitute it psychologically.

A Definition of Friendship
One might be hard-pressed to find a definitive source of knowledge on friendship and its psychological workings. Even the area of thought predating the modern sciences—philosophy—can be scanty on the subject.

One exhaustive source, however, is in The Nicomachean Ethics by Aristotle. In it, he posits different kinds of friendships and their workings.

He says,
With true friendship, friends love each other for their own sake and wish for each other good things.

This kind of friendship is only possible between “good people similar in virtue” because only good people can love another person for that person's own sake.

Nicomachean Ethics distinguishes three kinds of friendship: friendships of pleasure, of utility, and of virtue.

The first is about self-gratification that happens to coexist with that of another person.
The second is about mutual benefits that occur surrounding outer goals.
The third is a friendship emerging from the maturity of character, optimizing collaboration and committed partnership.

The third is also supported by the modern models and theories of the likes of George Vaillant and his extensive work with ego defenses, his work in the Harvard Study of Adult Development, and the whole expanding new school of psychology by Martin Seligman called positive psychology.

There are two concepts derived from evolutionary psychology that are useful in this regard:
"We like those who like us" (the principle of reciprocal altruism—you scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours)
"We like those who are like us" (how we assort into social groups that offer the protections of “power in numbers” and familial-like loyalty to the group)
If we combine the good boundaries of mature character with these other views of friendship, we may arrive at the following:

Friendship = Consistent, Mutual, Shared, Positive Emotion
If you were to solve the “friendship crisis,” at least for yourself, you’d work on these four in yourself and look to find all four in others.

Evaluation and Improvement of Friendship
Consistency comes from working on and having a good boundary. This means your word is good, you are reliable and consistent, and you can be counted on even if it takes self-discipline to follow through on your promises. Yes even if you feel exhausted and sad.

Your friend will be all the more empathic toward your sadness and exhaustion because your "consistency" has a proven track record.

Mutuality is the fairness of the friendship investment and rewards for both people—being a “we” instead of a “me.” This factor satisfies the reciprocal altruism of “I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine” or “liking those who like us back.” Yet, the personal boundaries of consistency raise this kind of "liking" to a higher level, akin to Aristotle's "friendship of virtue."

For example (from Seinfeld), if someone helps you move apartments, you someday owe them help with their own move. Even if you’re sad and lack energy, try to find something to give back from whatever you do have available. No matter how small it will satisfy other friends with "mutuality."

Sharing fosters an emotional bond between two people through coordinated effort toward a goal or toward fun. It is the spirit of “liking those who are like us,” a sameness of background, beliefs, interests, and goals that only the in-person presence fosters as strongly. The personal boundaries of consistency again raise this other kind of "liking" higher, to Aristotle's "friendship of virtue."

Even if you don’t have much happiness to share or interests in common, maybe start small. Just share space with others by reading a book at the coffee shop or taking yourself out for a great dinner for one. Soon, you'll see the same people regularly, and that's a chance to introduce yourself based on your "shared" enjoyment of the venue.

Positive emotion is the fourth factor and definitive of friendship. The more we make people happy, the more valuable we are to them. The less we make them happy, the less valuable we are to them.

Friends aren't just happy people we know. They intentionally raise each other’s self-esteem. The consistency, mutuality, and sharing you've already cultivated form a perfect environment where positive emotion is taken in, transformed, and held onto as what can now be called self-esteem.

So what if yours is low?
Others who have an abundance of happiness just can’t help sharing the excess, and you should place yourself near people with high self-esteem inside, and positive emotion to give.

Others with an abundance of positivity pass it on to you while you only give a little back.
That's okay. A back-and-forth of "positive emotion" has begun, and your slight grin at their jokes will soon release the first genuine laughter you've let out in a long time.

If you work on the four friendship factors we've built, you will most likely see your friendship circle grow and you with them.

It could be your contribution and solution to the “friendship crisis” and a shield against your own loneliness, never to encounter despair. You’ll feel what the ancient philosophers called eudaimonia, or consistently “in good spirits.”

EMOTION REGULATION-
3 Reasons Why "Happy Tears" Are Vital to Your Mental Health.
Here’s the meaning behind the sensation of crying when happy.
Reviewed by Devon Frye

Tears are a normal response to moments of pain, grief, and sadness. But it’s also not uncommon to find people sniffling into their handkerchiefs on happy occasions, such as weddings, graduations, or upon learning about a hard-earned promotion.

This begs the question: Why do we cry when we’re happy?

As infants and babies, crying is understood as a necessary behavioral act to solicit care and assistance. Transitioning into adulthood, we find tears to be triggered by a much broader range of emotions.

If you find yourself tearing up at events that are expected to elicit more smiles than tears, here are three theories to help you understand why.

1. Your repressed feelings are triggered.
No moment or event occurs as an isolated incident. Any milestone achieved or obstacle overcome is a result of a long journey.

To reap the benefits of your labor, you have probably endured prolonged stress and fought to overcome roadblocks that have likely been left unprocessed in the pressure to keep moving forward. It is thus possible that crying is the end reaction to a cascade of triggered, forgotten emotions.

This may be especially true when milestones or achievements bring with them a tinge of anxiety. Here are two examples:
A parent may find themselves teary-eyed at their child’s wedding because they are simultaneously happy for their child’s new beginning but also nervous about losing them to this change.
An individual graduating from student to employee might be ecstatic about their academic merits while also stressed about performing at the new job and/or moving away from their friends.

2. You are trying to communicate and connect.
Overwhelming emotions can lead to knotted throats and brain-freeze moments. When one struggles with a loss of words, tears become a source of communication.

A study published in Frontiers in Psychology emphasizes how seeing one cry with tears rolling down their cheeks compels viewers to willingly offer comfort and empathetic support. Responding with care and kindness when seeing someone under duress is a basic human instinct.

Another study further breaks down the communicative nature of crying, showing that there are four main reasons why people shed positive tears. They are:

Achievement tears. Expressing feelings of pride for someone overcoming obstacles or appreciating extraordinary feats or achievements
Beauty tears. Expressing awe when in the presence of unparalleled elegance, whether in people, art, music, or nature
Affectionate tears. Expressing heartfelt gratitude for acts of unexpected kindness and/or gestures of love
Amusement tears. Responding to an especially funny situation and accompanied with laughter and giggles (i.e., “I’m laughing so hard I’m crying”)

Happy tears typically convey a touching story or heartfelt moment with onlookers, the common denominator being the powerlessness and helplessness felt by all in the expanse of the emotions created.

3. It helps you feel better physically.
Mental health advocates have worked tirelessly to normalize crying as a healthy coping mechanism, citing its many chemical and hormonal benefits such as the release of "happy hormones" like oxytocin and endorphins.

The physical act of releasing an emotion out of the body, whether positive or negative, helps achieve physical and emotional homeostasis, suggests research published in Emotion Review.

Conclusion
Tears of joy are a natural and complex expression of our emotional experiences. Holding on to the false notion that crying is an unwanted, negative emotional state can leave you feeling confused about your tears of joy when, in fact, they are completely normal and even healthy.

However, if you find yourself breaking down in response to small triggers and/or feel embarrassed by your inability to regulate your emotions, it might be helpful to see a mental health professional to uncover the roots of your concerns.

ANGER-
Bitterness: What Is Its Function?
We focus on its effects but not its neural basis or its function.
Reviewed by Gary Drevitch

When I enter “bitterness” into Google or PubMed, I receive a long list of articles and research into the taste sensation not the emotional or psychological state. I have to specifically enter the not command for sweet and taste to find a few articles on the destructive state of bitterness. On PubMed, articles refer more to the basic science of aversive states on emotional memory than specifically on bitterness; for example, Likhtik and Johansen’s abstract in Nature Neuroscience:

“While the role of excitatory and inhibitory neural circuits mediating emotional learning and its control have been the focus of much research, we are only now beginning to understand the more diffuse role of neuromodulation in these processes. Recent experimental studies of the acetylcholine, noradrenaline and dopamine systems in fear learning and extinction of fear responding provide surprising answers to key questions in neuromodulation.”

Although researchers have not focused on brain injury anger — that specific type of anger that arises out of neurophysiological injury — they have studied the brain areas involved in anger, yet without differentiating between its many forms. I suspect that each anger type would light up different pathways, one for the sense of outrage at injustice, another from one’s life being threatened, another at seeing a person being assaulted.

Clinicians who work with people who’ve suffered brain injury know that neurostimulation and/or neuromodulation release the person from brain injury anger and eradicate the constant irritation that’s like nails on chalkboard from any kind of sensory stimuli from a passing car to a person’s voice. When rebooting, repairing, and rewiring the brain through neurostimulation eliminates the type of anger that flashes on and flashes off and exists without any ability to control it, then you know it’s neurophysiologically based.

In The Brain's Way of Healing, Norman Doidge defined neuromodulation as an “internal method by which the brain contributes to its own healing. It quickly restores the balance between excitation and inhibition in the neural networks and quiets the noisy brain.”

Neurostimulation can trigger neuromodulation. Since neurostimulation includes using our sensory inputs, our environment and relationships are also a form of neurostimulation. And while Doidge talks about the healing effects, the brain’s same internal neuromodulating mechanism can also harm. Bruce Perry wrote in What Happened to You that, among “those three ‘components’ of trauma, the three E’s — the event, the experience, and the effects — PTSD is about the effects.”

We see trauma effects, including bitterness, even when we’ve missed seeing the precipitating event or the changes in the brain’s wiring. We see bitterness as an emotional state and attribute it to attitude or mental illness. UK-based Harley Therapy echoes other therapists on their blog: “the emotional reaction and mood of bitterness is referred to as ’embitterment’. It is an emotional state of feeling let down and unable to do anything about it.” They cite Michael Linden’s theory of it being a mental disorder, calling it "post-traumatic embitterment disorder," and stating “bitterness can lead to long term psychological distress.”

But isn’t bitterness inherently distressing? As Christopher Lane wrote, “bitterness strikes the person feeling it as a justified response to a social ill or personal wrong.”

Does bitterness emerge after damage to particular neurons or neural networks? Does the damaging event need to be physical, or is emotional or psychological trauma the kind of event that precipitates bitterness? Does it arise more easily in those with learned helplessness than in those whose brains have rewired to act in the face of seeming lack of control? Are there different forms of bitterness like there are of anger?

Most importantly, what is bitterness’s function?
Anger allows us to express ourself when facing injustice or oppression; it initiates action to protect another; it’s a safer way to express our distress than deep sadness or grief as the latter makes us feel vulnerable whereas anger feels protective.

Thinking about the latter, what does bitterness do for us? Perhaps it protects us from feeling the deep psychic pain from betrayal, abandonment, or intentional harm because to feel that pain would render us immobile and unable to eat, sleep, look after ourselves, engage with others.

I've written that “I became bitter when it finally penetrated my brain that doctors…who treat brain injury are simply not interested in thinking outside the box, in learning from non-MDs, in working alongside their patients.” In other words, the medical profession abandoned me to a catastrophic injury and I stopped believing I could escape that shock.

Maier and Seligman have updated their understanding of learned helplessness, as I wrote: “Prolonged exposure to trauma keeps [default neural] pathways, and thus passivity and fear or anxiety, active. For a person with brain injury, already overwhelmed by the injury and fatigue, this could add to or look like no motivation and continual anxiety…discovering one can escape shock creates the learned state.”

What happens, though, if a person has not learned, or has unlearned, that one can escape shock and experiences abandonment, betrayal, or trauma so profound that the psychic pain is unendurable? What if that person’s brain remains in the default passive state, which manifests as not believing one has any control while believing that another has full control over them and has abandoned them? Bitterness may function then as a protective mechanism against the resulting intense lacerating psychic pain.

These are the questions researchers have yet to delve into. While psychologist, pastors, and self-help experts impose guilt or labels for feeling bitter, researchers are barely studying the neural correlates of bitterness or its function. When we understand these, clinical researchers could develop effective therapies that combine neuromodulation with training the brain to learn it can escape shock and with talk therapy based on the principle of establishing a stable relationship between professional and client that counters abandonment. For ultimately, bitterness arises out of damage to one or many relationships.

UNCONSCIOUS
Why Do People Lie?
People tend to lie to gain advantage for themselves or others.
Reviewed by Vanessa Lancaster

KEY POINTS-
Lying can be harmful because, when discovered, it erodes trust, which greatly complicates interpersonal relationships
In some cases, such as when angry, a white lie might be the best option to spare someone's feelings until you can return to speaking calmly.
Children should learn that the benefits of white lies, used to spare someone's feelings, do not make all lying acceptable.

As they develop, most children learn to lie, which can be defined as communicating with an intent to deceive. This often begins in the preschool years and increases with age (Stouthamer-Loeber, 1986). As part of my counseling practice, parents sometimes express concern about their children’s propensity to lie. This leads to a discussion of the different types of lies.

Lying for Ourselves
There are many situations in which we might lie to protect ourselves:

We might lie to avoid punishment. For example, children often lie about whether they have completed their homework. If they tell the truth, their parents might insist that the homework be done immediately, which could preclude their participation in a recreational activity.

We might lie to prevent ourselves from being embarrassed about behavior we regret or because we don’t want to reveal private information that might be used against us. We may worry that public awareness of such information can cause us stress or anxiety.

We might lie to avoid conflict. For example, a spouse may choose not to tell the truth about how they feel about their spouse’s behavior for fear that an uncomfortable disagreement might arise.

We might lie to gain social acceptance from a particular group. For example, we might feign interest in a subject matter to join a group that extols that subject. Or, we could post partial truths or fabrications on social media to become popular.

We might lie to get ahead in a competition or business. For example, a businessman might falsely claim great success in the past to secure a new business interest. Such lies can also make us feel better about ourselves when others believe us. Similarly, we might lie in a relationship to maintain control. For example, we might falsely state that we have brought a lot of money into a partnership.

Young children sometimes lie because they confuse reality and their imagination, which can include wishful thinking.

Lying for Others
Sometimes, people lie to protect others:
We might lie about something to spare the feelings of someone else. For example, we might not tell a friend how we really feel about their new appearance. Or, a parent might lie to a young child about the death of a pet. Such harmless lies can be thought of as “white lies.”

We might lie about an illegal activity undertaken by a friend so that the friend does not suffer from negative consequences. This would not be considered a white lie, as harm could ensue because the friend is deprived of the opportunity to learn from the consequences of their actions, and the potential victim of an illegal activity might have a decreased chance for recovery.

Is lying always wrong?
Lying can be harmful because, when discovered, it erodes trust, which greatly complicates interpersonal relationships. A liar can face loss of credibility or embarrassment. When lying circumvents dealing with the consequences of a bad decision, the liar fails to learn how to make better choices in the future. Further, guilt arising from lying can affect mental health adversely. Lying can hurt others, such as when the liar gains an unfair advantage. On a societal level, lying can lead to a breakdown in cooperation between individuals or groups and, thus, even to social unrest.

In some cases, however, the best course of action might involve telling a white lie to spare the feelings of another individual. If lying to ourselves allows us to be more functional, this might also be considered a good choice. For example, if our anger at a situation might stop us in our tracks, depending on the situation, perhaps it is better to pretend for a while that we are not angry. In time, our anger might dissipate even if we don’t deal with it, while in other circumstances, it would behoove us to deal with the source of the anger ultimately, but in a calmer way than if we dealt with it when the anger first flared. (An even better strategy might be to learn to think in a way that prevents anger in the first place.)

Lying and the Subconscious
Another example of helpful lying occurs at the subconscious level. Our subconscious lies to us all of the time to make our lives easier to manage. For example, when someone mumbles a word, our subconscious often prompts us to think we heard the correct word even though it was not uttered.

When we recall events, our subconscious typically populates our memory with images likely to have occurred during the events rather than the actual images. This may be because it may take up too much brain space to remember events in great detail. Instead, our brains store only some important information about the events and later fill in the rest, representing a lie for the sake of efficiency.

Our subconscious filters out what appears to be irrelevant information and thus lies by omission. For example, until this sentence is read, the reader may not have been aware of the pressure of their shoe on their foot. This is because the subconscious does not allow us to become aware of all our sensations at any moment. After all, this could overwhelm us with information, such as what occurs in the case of some people with autism. When they experience difficulty filtering out input from multiple sensations and thoughts, it can cause them to become agitated or shut down.

In my work with patients’ subconscious, I have observed that the subconscious can withhold information or even lie to protect the conscious from dealing with issues it is not yet capable of dealing with effectively. In psychology, “denial” is a term used to describe how we can act as if something is not true to cope better. Such denial likely arises at the subconscious level. For example, we might deny that we are sad about a situation because it might be difficult to cope with feelings of sadness.

Lying that originates from the subconscious can lead to the conscious expression of falsehoods. For example, our subconscious can present us with an inaccurate reconstructed memory. When we believe and talk about the memory as being accurate, we are saying something false without intending to lie.

While the aforementioned subconscious actions are usually helpful, they nonetheless fall into the category of lying as they involve deception, albeit self-deception. However, perhaps we ought to redefine lying as conscious communication with the intent to deceive, while lying originating from the subconscious could be renamed adaptive restructuring or something to that effect.

Takeaway
It is important to teach children the difference between lying that is potentially hurtful to themselves or others and lying that can be helpful. In this way, children can understand how the benefits of white lies or adaptive restructuring do not mean that all lying is acceptable.

Further, when children lie in an antisocial manner, it may be better to discuss how they could do better rather than punish them. In the latter case, children may learn to avoid lying to stay out of trouble rather than because they have developed an understanding regarding the value of the truth.

Why Your Partner Treats You Like Dirt.
Whatever the reasons your partner treats you poorly, valuing yourself will help.
Reviewed by Tyler Woods

KEY POINTS-
Struggling people are oblivious to the negative impact of their hurtful behaviors on their partners.
It is important for you to explore and take inventory for why you accept hurtful behavior from your partner.
If your partner does not agree to work on changing their problematic behaviors, it may be best to leave the relationship.
"He is always moody and snaps at me, then later he wants to have sex! I'm so done with this!"

The above words were from Brenda* as she sat down next to Kevin* in their recent counseling session. I knew the remainder of the next 50 minutes would be quite challenging.

In response to Brenda's opening comment, I said, "Kevin, how do you see things right now?"

Kevin appeared annoyed. He said, "She just doesn't get it!"

Brenda jumped in, "Are you kidding me? Get what, Kevin?"

Then, Kevin, looking down and faintly said, "There's nothing I can say that seems to be what you want to hear."

Brenda, now shaking her head, looked up at the ceiling, seemingly desperate for answers, or at least hoping for a modicum of emotional relief.

A Long, Telling Silence
Next, there was an agonizing silence, laden with frustrated sighs from Kevin.

I said, "Kevin, you and Brenda have a lot going on. Two teen girls from your first marriage, and now a one-year-old between you and Brenda. You both have demanding careers and Kevin, your side hustle that you started five years ago has you working almost as much as you are breathing. Brenda, I also realize that it has been really difficult going for you with the demands of family life, your job, and your mom having stage-four cancer."

"Thanks for saying that, Dr. Jeff. But at least I talk about what is going on," Brenda said. "He just gets super tense, shuts down, and treats me like crapola!" she added with frustration, giving way to sadness.

Kevin replied, "I have payroll coming up for the business next week and still have a lot out in receivables. And, if I say anything about how terrified I am, you'll just think I'm whining."

Anxiety And Vulnerability Often Underlie Negative Behaviors
Suffice it to say, Brenda was shocked to hear that Kevin was terrified in response to the financial pressures he was facing. Feeling unsafe to share how vulnerable he felt, Kevin, like many stressed-out, afraid-to-open up intimate partners, got himself on the "bottle it up and explode (or implode) later plan." This usually does not turn out well.

From Brenda's revelation about vulnerability, she could now clearly see something that she did not suspect: Kevin had anxiety lurking below the surface of his anger and distancing behaviors.

The positive outcome of the Brenda and Kevin story is that once Brenda knew and understood more clearly how Kevin's anger was driven by his anxiety, Brenda and Kevin were able to discuss the underlying financial stresses.

Brenda and Kevin got help and their relationship got better. Yet, sadly, sometimes people put up with relationship misery because it becomes their new normal. They even may lose sight that things could be better.

Why Do Some People Put Up With Hurtful Partners?
Tolerating a hurtful partner can be challenging and can have negative impacts on one's emotional and physical well-being. However, people may choose to tolerate a hurtful partner for various reasons, including:

Unhealthy Love: Some people may still love their hurtful partners despite their anger issues and may believe that their relationship is worth fighting for.

Fear: Others may fear the consequences of leaving their angry partner, such as violence, retaliation, or financial instability.

Low self-esteem: Sadly, in other cases, people may believe that they do not deserve better than an angry partner or that they are responsible for their partner's anger.

Hope (perhaps false hope): Some individuals may hope that their partner will change their behavior and become less angry over time.

Unhealthy levels of guilt: Some may feel guilty about leaving their partner or may believe that they have a responsibility to help their partner with their anger issues.

Final Thoughts
Remember that tolerating an angry partner is not healthy. If you or someone you know is in this situation, seeking help from a therapist or counselor can be beneficial. It's also important to recognize that changing someone's behavior is not your responsibility. As exemplified by the example of Brenda and Kevin, it's up to the individual to take responsibility for their actions and agree to seek help.

No one signs up to be treated like dirt by their intimate partner. Be sure to know your value. Sometimes, that may include deciding to move on.