Can You Be OK When Your Partner Is Not OK?
Part 1: How to get more comfortable when your relationship is uncomfortable.
Reviewed by Gary Drevitch

While "codependent" is not a clinical diagnosis or recognized personality disorder, it remains a widely- used term for someone who’s self-sacrificing, a caregiver who gives at the expense of her own well-being, and who enables her partner’s addictive or self-destructive behavior. These tendencies show up in many forms, and are about much more than self-sacrifice and enabling addiction. In fact, there’s a whole aspect of what we call "codependency" that many are not aware of—a way of being in a relationship which is considered normal, but is dysfunctional at its core. While it may not produce the destructive consequences of enabling a partner's addiction, this hidden codependency comes with its own fierce consequences, namely, the abandonment and loss of yourself and the erosion of your self-esteem.

Hidden codependency, in a nutshell, is I’m not okay if we’re not okay, and even more to the point, I’m not okay if you’re not okay—with me. When you struggle with this issue, conflict in your relationship is profoundly disturbing to your well-being. You need the relationship to be conflict-free in order to maintain your own equilibrium. It’s frightening and anxious-making when your relationship is not in a good place; you feel as if you must immediately do whatever it takes to reestablish peace and get back your partner's approval—essentially, to make the relationship good again.

When you live with this kind of insecurity, you’re constantly managing, adjusting, repressing, and apologizing for your thoughts and feelings. You may have difficulty communicating truthfully and setting boundaries because doing so might risk being displeasing to your partner and therefore disruptive to the relationship. Simultaneously, you may not be able to identify your own feelings, wants, and needs, as you are hyper-focused on what your partner feels, wants, and needs, how they’re doing, and most of all, how they're doing with you. Your self-esteem is reliant on your partner’s perception of you and not your own self-experience. Ultimately, your partner liking you is more important than you liking you, and harmony in the relationship comes at the cost of being in a relationship with yourself.

Hidden "codependency" keeps your nervous system in a tenuous and fragile state; your well-being is reliant on someone else’s: your partner’s. If your partner comes home in a bad mood, you are destabilized until they’re okay again and things between you are back to smooth sailing. And usually, you assume that your partner’s not-okayness is a result of something you did wrong. But regardless of whether you think you caused it, their bad mood is a threat to the relationship, and it’s your job to fix it—immediately.

As a result, a good portion of your energy and attention must remain focused outward, away from yourself and your own life, devoted to monitoring your partner’s experience—how they’re feeling about you and the state of the relationship. The relationship thus occupies a tremendous amount of emotional and mental real estate; like a background program filling up your hard drive, always running in your mind and body (or in the foreground when things get bumpy). You’re always tracking what needs to be done to maintain or reestablish peace.

Ultimately, these tendencies require you to live in a state of hyper-vigilance—maybe not fight or flight, but close to it, with one eye always scanning for signs of disruption and potential instability, and anything that might lead to the relationship’s end. This way of living then leaves you emotionally exhausted, burnt out from constantly riding the roller coaster of someone else’s emotions, projections, and perceptions. Continually flip-flopping back and forth, from a state of high anxiety and even panic when there’s conflict in the relationship to temporary calmness and relief when it settles down and feels good again, leaves you utterly depleted and without energy or compassion left for yourself.

The nut of it—the underlying feeling with this kind of "codependency" is that without the relationship, you will not survive. You need the relationship not just to like yourself, to feel valuable and worthy, but also—and this is where the stakes get really high (and dire)—just to exist. Even if it’s not conscious and might sound untrue to your front brain, the deeply-held core belief is this: If the relationship ends, you will end. If you want to evolve out of this way of being, this is the core belief that needs your attention, curiosity, and compassion.

In Part 2 of this series, I will examine the roots of this core belief—namely, that you need the relationship to be okay and survive, which ultimately fuels the condition commonly referred to as "codependency." I will also examine how you can start to break free from this deep-seated relational operating system, so that you can find yourself again within your relationship—the me within the we—and create independence within the interdependence of your partnership. All of this requires a fundamental paradigm shift and a new model for love, one that includes discomfort and conflict, disapproval and even disliking of the current experience, all within the safe container and security of the bond. And finally, I'll investigate how you can know and trust that emotional balance and well-being exist wholly within you, and rely on no one else’s approval or perception, not even your partner's.

What sets you free from codependence is knowing and believing that your most solid ground and deepest okay-ness stem from your relationship with yourself. Just as a jumbo jet flies through turbulence effortlessly and smoothly, there is an all is well place inside you that, once you're in touch with it, can maintain its equilibrium even when your relationship is going through bumps and bad weather.

The Integral Role of Integrity.
How living in congruence with your values improves overall wellness.
Reviewed by Tyler Woods

KEY POINTS-
Integrity is a steadfast commitment to moral and ethical principles, promoting personal and collective well-being.
Upholding integrity is linked to increased self-esteem, life satisfaction, mental health, emotional stability, and workplace success.
Living with integrity involves self-reflection, accountability, consistency, honesty and transparency, and ethical decision-making,

Conceptualized as an unwavering commitment to moral and ethical principles, integrity is, simply put, doing the right thing even when nobody is watching. Upholding integrity speaks to an individual's inner strength and values and serves as a moral compass guiding their actions. In an increasingly complex and interconnected society, understanding the effect of integrity on individual and collective well-being is essential, as it fosters trust and collaboration among people from diverse backgrounds and perspectives.

Self-Esteem and Life Satisfaction
Research has established a strong correlation between integrity and increased self-esteem and life satisfaction. Individuals who prioritize intrinsic values, including integrity, demonstrate higher self-esteem levels than those who focus on extrinsic values. Intrinsic values involve personal growth, close relationships, and community involvement, while extrinsic values revolve around material wealth, status, and physical appearance. By promoting a sense of purpose and authenticity, integrity leads to more positive self-appraisal and improved self-esteem.

In another study, participants who pursued intrinsic values experienced greater life satisfaction than their counterparts driven by extrinsic values. This finding suggests that adherence to moral and ethical principles contributes to a more fulfilling life, providing a strong foundation for overall well-being. As individuals with high integrity are less likely to compromise their values for material gain or social approval, they experience greater psychological resilience and satisfaction in the face of life's challenges.

Mental Health and Emotional Stability
Integrity plays a crucial role in promoting mental health and emotional stability. A study by Ryan, Chirkov, Little, Sheldon, Timoshina, and Deci in 1999 explored the impact of autonomy, competence, and relatedness on well-being. The researchers found that when individuals act congruently with their values, they experience improved mental health and emotional stability. This finding highlights the importance of integrity as a critical factor in fostering psychological resilience.

Research by Deci and Ryan (2000) demonstrated that individuals who maintain high levels of integrity are more likely to experience a sense of autonomy—the freedom to make choices in line with one's values. By acting with integrity, individuals can better navigate life's complexities while maintaining a solid sense of self and emotional balance.

Social Health and Relationship Quality
Integrity is also associated with improved social health and relationship quality. Aquino and Reed (2002) found that individuals who exhibit strong moral and ethical principles are more likely to form stable, fulfilling relationships. By living their values, these individuals create an atmosphere of trust and respect, fostering stronger connections with others. This finding underscores the significance of integrity in cultivating positive social interactions and promoting overall well-being.

Additionally, research by Simpson, Orina, and Ickes (2003) revealed that individuals who consistently act with integrity possess higher levels of empathy, a critical component of social intelligence. Empathy enables individuals to understand the feelings and perspectives of others, thus facilitating more effective communication and conflict resolution. Consequently, those who exhibit integrity are better equipped to navigate the complexities of interpersonal relationships, contributing to improved social health.

The Role of Integrity in the Workplace
Integrity is relevant to personal relationships and plays a vital role in the workplace. Research conducted by Palanski and Yammarino (2009) found that leaders who demonstrate integrity foster a positive work environment characterized by trust, job satisfaction, and employee engagement. By upholding moral and ethical principles, leaders can create a culture that supports the well-being of employees, leading to increased productivity and organizational success.

Similarly, a study by Simons, Leroy, Collewaert, and Masschelein (2015) demonstrated that when employees perceive their leaders as having high integrity, they are more likely to engage in prosocial behaviors and display an increased commitment to their organization.

The Impact of Integrity on Community and Society
Integrity's influence on well-being extends to the community and society at large. Tyler (2006) argued that when individuals observe and adhere to shared moral and ethical principles, they contribute to a more stable and cohesive social fabric. This collective commitment to integrity promotes trust, cooperation, and civic engagement, crucial factors in creating a healthy, thriving community.

Research by Putnam (2000) supported this notion, finding that communities with high levels of social capital, which includes shared values, such as integrity, experience lower crime rates, better educational outcomes, and improved public health. Thus, integrity benefits individual well-being and fosters a more supportive and prosperous society for all.

Five Ways to Live with Integrity
Self-reflection: Spend time reflecting on your values and beliefs to better understand what is important to you. By identifying your core values, you can make more informed decisions that align with your principles.
Accountability: Take responsibility for your actions, both successes and failures. Own up to it when you make a mistake and learn from the experience. Demonstrating accountability increases trust and credibility with others, strengthening your integrity.
Consistency: Strive to be consistent in your words and actions. Ensure that your behavior aligns with your values and principles, even when no one is watching. Consistency is critical to building a solid foundation of integrity.

Honesty and transparency: Be honest and transparent in your communication with others. Share your thoughts and feelings openly and be willing to listen and consider different perspectives. Practicing honesty and transparency helps cultivate trust and fosters strong relationships.
Ethical decision-making: When faced with difficult decisions, consider your choices' ethical implications and potential consequences. Seek guidance from trusted friends, family, or mentors to determine the best action.

Impact on Future Generations
Integrity is a critical component of personal character that has far-reaching implications for individual and collective well-being. H. Jackson Brown Jr. once said, "Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you." This quote is a powerful reminder of the lasting impact of our actions on future generations. By understanding and promoting the value of integrity, we strive to be role models, embodying fairness, caring, and integrity in every aspect of our lives. In doing so, we can work towards a more compassionate and resilient world where the well-being of individuals and communities is prioritized and nurtured.

TRAUMA-
3 Things You Shouldn’t Do When Dating Someone With Trauma.
Love is tricky, especially with someone who doesn’t know how to be loved.
Reviewed by Tyler Woods

KEY POINTS-
Don’t try to heal their trauma for them.
Avoid internalizing their problems.
Make the relationship about more than their trauma.

Being in love with someone who has a history of trauma or emotional instability can be challenging. The impact of a traumatic past on an intimate relationship can make it difficult for a couple to experience steady relationship growth.

A few signs that your relationship may be affected by your partner’s unhealed emotional wounds are:

Unpredictable avoidance of emotional and physical intimacy
Experiencing frequent conflicts that lack sensible resolutions
A frequent occurrence of negative emotions like frustration, anger, confusion, and sadness
Episodes of isolation and/or withdrawal
A feeling of hopelessness and helplessness with respect to the relationship
One study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that an increase in traumatic symptoms in an individual (i.e., sleep problems, dissociation, severe sexual problems, etc.) not only makes life more difficult for that individual but also raises significant concerns for the couple. If left unaddressed, the residual emotions can lead to a make-or-break situation.

Of course, anyone who loves someone with a history of trauma wants desperately to fix the problem for them. But often, fixing the problem is more about what we don’t do than when or how we intervene. Avoiding these three tendencies can be a good first step towards helping your partner overcome their past demons.

1. Don’t try to heal their trauma for them
Listening to and seeing a partner in distress can provoke a need to "fix them" and "make everything better." However, it is crucial to learn the difference between understanding their problems as opposed to taking responsibility or ownership of them.

A "savior complex" can be counterproductive in that it increases their dependency on you. It may also be emotionally exhausting. Instead of ‘saving them,’ try to simply be present for them. Here are a few ways to accomplish this:

Practice active listening, giving your undivided attention to their venting process
Be emotionally supportive and show empathy by saying things like, "I’m sorry you experienced that," or "I can see how that is really hard for you. It would be hard for anyone."
Show curiosity and ask how you can assist them
The healing effect of simply allowing your partner to feel safe and secure in their vulnerability is often underestimated. If you find yourself struggling to exit the loop of jumping in to help, talking to a mental health professional is advisable.

2. Don’t internalize their problems
The demands of caring for a partner with trauma can be heavy, as they often behave in ways that are difficult to understand, leaving you feeling dejected and hurt. However, their responses are not necessarily a reflection on you or your relationship.

Traumatic experiences take time to heal. While the healing process is happening, it is common for your partner to be disconnected and distant as they struggle to articulate what is happening inside of them. Conflict can ensue as a result of miscommunication and misinterpretations.

When things get overwhelming, take time to show yourself compassion. Remember, you are helping them through their problems, but their problems are not your problems.

Some ways you can take care of yourself are:
Recognizing and reinforcing your boundaries
Taking some space for yourself to engage in activities that rejuvenate you
Building a support system with people you trust, other than your partner, to help you in times of need
Make sure you get the support you need to be able to show up for someone who needs yours.

3. Don’t make your relationship only about their trauma
When interacting with a partner with trauma, we sometimes walk on eggshells—assuming anything we might say could trigger an emotionally destructive episode. Extreme cautiousness reduces spaces of comfort and can lead to feelings of isolation.

Normal relationship behaviors—such as connecting emotionally, physically, and sexually—can reduce the impact of trauma on a relationship. One study published in Anxiety, Stress, and Coping found that feeling secure was a key determinant in whether someone was able to successfully overcome a traumatic experience.

Modeling feelings of safety, healthy coping habits, and emotional stability is perhaps the best gift you can give someone who is struggling with trauma.

TRAUMA-
The Trauma-Related Risks of Overgeneralizing.
To the degree a person overgeneralizes, they may still be living in the past.
Reviewed by Davia Sills

KEY POINTS-
The ultimate fallout from early trauma is that children derive too much meaning from quite possibly atypical situations and events.
Their (juvenile) appraisal of their experience determines whether they’ll feel sad and desolate, angry and outraged, or almost frozen with fear.
They’re unable to realize that other seemingly similar experiences can differ vastly in what they imply about the world they live in.
Adults need to convince their anxiously vigilant inner child that their norm deviates markedly from what’s now normal or adaptive.

Redefining Trauma as It Relates to Children
It’s sad and often tragic that children don’t—and can’t—embody the same logical viewpoint as adults. Lacking judgment attainable only through myriad experiences, they can hardly help but conclude that a single experience, however atypical, implies meaning applicable to things in any way similar to it.

Consider the popular expression: “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.” Might it be hardwired in all of us to search for ways to protect ourselves from further abuse after being victimized by it once? That whatever happened at the time was so threatening to our (naive) notions of survival that, however unconsciously, we swore we’d never allow it to happen again?

Human nature is such that disillusionment can arise unpremeditated, making us feel desperate to control what earlier felt totally uncontrollable.

Stretching the standard definition of trauma for children, a child (particularly a very young child) is likely to suffer from powerful feelings of insecurity after they’ve experienced being treated badly—whether by their caretakers or almost anyone else. Such feelings of vulnerability can override their rational thinking, making them erroneously conclude that others harbor malignant intentions toward them.

To be sure, it’s almost never what literally happens to a child (or anyone else) that leaves them traumatized. It’s how they interpret it. And a child’s admittedly juvenile assessment also determines whether they’ll feel sad and desolate, angry and outraged, or frozen in terror.

How Overgeneralized Childhood Trauma Impacts the Now Negatively Sensitized Adult
Summarizing the above, the ultimate fallout from early trauma is that children derive too much meaning from quite possibly unrepresentative situations and events.

Having limited experience, children are doomed to think in simplistic, non-relativistic terms. They’re unable to realize that other seemingly similar experiences can differ vastly in what they imply about the world they inhabit. And so they’re compelled to connect things not really connectable.

Without such trauma in our history, as adults, we generally know better than to prematurely reach conclusions not warranted logically. But if momentous emotional disturbances in our past were never fully resolved, the overgeneralizing of the child within us—about what we should anticipate from others and ourselves—can generate all kinds of pessimistic present-day assumptions and misconceptions.

Just a single experience can give birth to unconscious defense mechanisms that, going forward, prompt us to make false associations between happenings apparently related but essentially distinct.

This is where overgeneralization becomes synonymous with oversimplification. In cognitive behavioral therapy, this phenomenon is alluded to as the rationally distorted “always-never” syndrome, which highlights a child’s naively reductive assessment of experiences in which they were implicated (e.g., see S. Lissek et al., 2010).

The Dilemma of Overgeneralization
As adults, we’ve developed resources that render our cardinal need for psychological self-protection obsolete. Still, as children we all needed to erect strong defenses against what otherwise could gravely impair our functioning. It's when these now archaic defenses continue to constrain us as adults that we suffer.

Here are some examples:
If you had a traumatic experience related to defeat, you may be prone to depression, possibly conjuring up worst-case scenarios and self-sabotaging beliefs like: “I’ll never succeed, so there’s no sense trying.” And, through inaction, you become your own most self-defeating enemy.
If you experienced parental or peer criticism as grossly unfair, you may believe: “People are vicious and always trying to make you feel bad.” So you become determined to “give them a taste of their own medicine.” Rather than moving forward, scrupulously planning a more satisfying future for yourself, you shift your life vindictively into reverse, devoting yourself to getting even with your alleged perpetrators (and with would-be “perpetrators” to come).
If you experienced a tearful rejection from your best friend, taking it way too much to heart, you may have become afflicted with social anxiety, believing: “As much as I crave friends, they’ll only rebuff me, so I better distance myself from them.” Attempting to escape your anxiety, you’ll prevent yourself from growing the mindset and social skills that could enable you to develop relationships that would help you feel you do fit in—with others reasonably similar to you.
As this dilemma has been summed up by C. Beth Ready at al. in Behavioral Therapy (2015):

Generalization of maladaptive cognitions related to traumatic [childhood] experiences (overgeneralized beliefs) have been demonstrated to be associated with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in adult populations.

This research article focuses on the single worst outcome of “conditioned fear” by discussing its link to panic disorder. And anyone affected by such disabling attacks knows firsthand how horribly out-of-control these symptoms can make you feel.

Yet it makes sense that anything reminding a person of a much earlier fear-laden experience might precipitate an excruciatingly exaggerated reaction—all the more painful because the person can’t begin to fathom from where their pronounced terror emanates. This perplexity only contributes to their anguishing over whether they might be losing their mind.

What, Then, Is the Cure for This So-Distressing Malady?
Because the unconscious habit, or defense mechanism, of overgeneralization typically comes from our reactively rationalizing child self, we need first to discover how to gain access to this wounded part of us. The good news here is that what, neurologically, has been programmed into us can also be deprogrammed and reprogrammed.

We need to convince our anxiously vigilant inner child that what became their norm—for, in many respects, it felt adaptive—now deviates significantly from what’s normal or adaptive for us as adults. This cognitive transformation can’t happen overnight because the child’s negative beliefs have long existed below consciousness and been repeated hundreds—if not thousands—of times.

So incessantly repeating more rational responses to ourselves can’t really be seen as redundant. Psychologically, it’s unrealistic to think there could be a “one-off” remedy for something so deeply entrenched that it’s become automatic, or involuntary, for us. Mouthing positive affirmations about ourself isn’t likely to take hold when our negative self-talk has persisted for years, maybe decades.

Understanding the issue as a primary manifestation of PTSD necessitates addressing it accordingly. Many therapies exist that center on trauma resolution, so it’s possible that to help yourself, you could utilize the one most appropriate to your needs.

Nonetheless, depending on how acute, or diffuse, your trauma may have been, you may need to spend some time in counseling with a well-trained and experienced professional to guide you in the process. Two modalities that I personally have found effective are Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) and Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS).

But there are many other modalities that might work for you, including Jeffrey Young’s Schema Therapy (an expansion of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and, much more recently, Gabor Maté’s Compassionate Inquiry.

Since there’s a plethora of books and articles written for the layperson on these and other trauma-resolution approaches, it definitely could be worth your while to start exploring what might, individually, assist you in your quest for the contentment and happiness that, till now, may have eluded you.

How Diet Affects the Sex Lives of Women.
The consequences of the diet are underdiagnosed and rarely treated adequately.
Reviewed by Davia Sills

KEY POINTS-
A low-quality diet that leads to obesity and metabolic syndrome can negatively affect female sexuality.
Obesity produces excessive levels of inflammation, decreased blood levels of nitric oxide, and reduced clitoral blood flow and sexual enjoyment.
The Mediterranean diet may help alleviate the sexual dysfunction of obese women and reduce blood levels of inflammatory cytokines.
The incidence of female sexual dysfunction, at some point in their life, is high—at least 40 percent. Women are often uncomfortable bringing up sexual concerns with their doctors; physicians are often reluctant to ask about the topic. Sexual dysfunction is likely underdiagnosed and rarely treated adequately. Obviously, sexual health is closely related to overall health. Chronic conditions, including neurological impairments, renal disease, inflammatory disorders, and cancer, can negatively impact sexual health.

All of these conditions, as well as general health, are strongly influenced by a person's diet. For most Americans, a low-quality diet is due to a greater intake of "highly processed foods." These foods are designed to be particularly rewarding by adding fat, salt, or refined carbohydrates, including cookies, ice cream, cheeseburgers, pizza, soda, and sweet coffee drinks. These food items offer a pleasurable taste, affordability, and easy availability. People often report that they specifically choose to eat highly processed foods to enhance their positive emotions and reduce their negative emotions. Previous studies have shown how a low-quality diet can negatively affect male sexual activity. Unfortunately, the role of diet in female sexuality has not been well studied.

The preliminary data on the topic are limited but suggestive that diet does influence female sexuality. A recent review outlined how female sexuality is affected by diets that lead to metabolic syndrome, obesity, and eating disorders. Metabolic syndrome is characterized by increased insulin resistance, plaque formation in the major arteries, and obesity. These conditions increase the risk of heart attacks and death. Obesity is often a consequence of metabolic syndrome and may directly affect sexual health. Essentially, obesity produces excessive levels of inflammation throughout the body leading to decreased levels of the blood gas nitric oxide. Consequently, blood flow to the genitourinary system is reduced, leading to decreased clitoral blood flow and sexual enjoyment.

Studies of obese women undergoing bariatric surgery reported a moderate level of improvement in sexual functioning that dissipated when the women returned to their baseline weight levels. Studies that incorporated a low-calorie diet and some physical exercise found significant improvements in sexual functioning that correlated with reduced body weight and improved insulin resistance. Some recent studies suggested that the Mediterranean diet may alleviate the sexual dysfunction of obese women and reduce blood levels of inflammatory cytokines.

Females with other eating disorders also tend to have a high rate of sexual dysfunction. For example, patients with bulimia tend to be impulsive and engage in higher-risk sexual behaviors, while anorexics report decreased arousal, lubrication, and orgasmic function.

Diet-induced metabolic syndrome and obesity, in concert with a significant elevation in systemic inflammation, place a strain on the body that can lead to sexual dysfunction. The good news is that a healthy diet, such as the Mediterranean diet, can potentially serve a protective function.

BODY IMAGE-
How I Stopped Hating My Body.
A Personal Perspective: Challenging the cultural messages of body perfection.
Reviewed by Tyler Woods

KEY POINTS-
A body image problem is really a thinking problem.
The cultural messages of perfection lead millions of people to hate their bodies.
Shifting from self-criticism to appreciation can transform the quality of our lives.

I began hating my body when I was a teenager. I spent years lost in self-criticism and the unhealthy behaviors I turned to in an attempt to quiet those constant criticisms.

I know now that my unkind mind was really just trying to help. I thought that if I could attain the body size I was programmed to believe I should I be, I would live happily ever after.

What a faulty system that was.

The only way to attain and maintain a body that is not naturally meant for us is to live in an unnatural manner. There's no happily-ever-afterness in that.

Year after year, I obsessed over my body, restricting my food intake, overeating, bingeing, even abusing drugs and alcohol. On the outside, I'm sure people thought I was the life of the party. On the inside, I suffered severely. My mind played and replayed a near-constant internal soundtrack that told me I was not good enough but that if I somehow changed my appearance, I would be.

After many years of riding what I refer to as the "diet/riot roller coaster," I finally found help. Only this time it wasn't counterfeit help, in the form of a new diet or exercise regime. It was deeper help for my emotions, thoughts, needs, communication skills, and endless food and fitness rules.

I learned that critiquing and criticizing our bodies is not natural. These are adopted patterns resulting from a massive hypnotic spell of body perfection. I learned how to challenge my unkind thoughts and put self-kindness and peace of mind at the top of my priority list. I learned how to speak to myself kindly and treat myself respectfully.

I had always thought that if I ate what I truly wanted, I'd never stop eating. But that was only the case when I never let myself eat what I truly wanted. I always thought that if I treated myself kindly, I would never get anything done. But that was before I tested out kindness as my home base. I thought that if someone was thin and attractive, they must have a perfect life, but that was only because I was lost in society's cultural programming and didn't know how to question its faultiness. And I always thought I needed to change my body in order to be lovable, but it turned out that I needed to change my thinking. I know now that changing my body will not make me feel loved; only loving myself will.

Occasionally, I come across a picture of myself as a teen. I remember how dreadfully uncomfortable I felt in my skin, in a bathing suit, and at parties. I can see now that I was a precious adolescent with a healthy, changing body. If I could only tell her, "You’re fine, sweetheart. Eat whatever you want. Your body will tell you when it's had enough. Don't believe everything you think or what others say. Move your body in ways that feel good and then rest, a lot. Speak your truth. Hang out with people who hear your truth and want to tell you theirs. Seek to know your heart's desires. Go for balance. Go for self-love."

I know I can't save that young girl from the years of suffering, dieting, bingeing, comparing, and despairing. But I can prevent myself from looking back on pictures 20 years from now and having to say, "Oh honey, you’re a lovely woman. Welcome aging, wrinkles, spots, and sagging skin. Don't lose an ounce of precious time criticizing your body. Thank it for all it does for you every single minute. Thank those limbs and systems. Thank those lungs. Thank that heart. Thank those miraculous senses that enable you to see, hear, feel, taste, and write. Don't waste another minute hating your body. Feed it, move it, rest it, appreciate it. And help others do the same."

If you are struggling with your body image, I hope you will try on some body appreciations and see how they feel. Seek support if you need to. Don’t miss out on years of your life berating your body like I did. If the cultural programming of perfectionism has led you to turn against your body, look for ways to say no to those programs and see your body through eyes of compassion, acceptance, love, and appreciation.

Why a Lack of Trust Is So Damaging.
Three surprising ways to build greater trust.
Reviewed by Tyler Woods

KEY POINTS-
We need people we can trust to provide emotional support, stability, and a sense of community.
We can build greater trust in our lives by focusing on relationships, consistency, and expertise.
Greater trust helps individuals, organizations, and communities flourish.

If you’ve been feeling a lack of trust these days, you’re not alone. Our world is experiencing a serious erosion of trust in our governments, institutions, and communities. The Edelman Trust Barometer reports that 53 percent of respondents see their countries as more divided today than ever before (Edelman, 2023). This lack of trust coincides with escalating rates of loneliness, anxiety, and depression worldwide (American Psychological Association, 2022; World Health Organization, 2022).

Although to protect ourselves we often need to be careful about whom to trust, we need people we can trust to provide stability, support, and a sense of community in our lives. According to the renowned Harvard Study of Adult Development, the major determining factor in health, longevity, and well-being was not money or career success, but feeling connected to people the subjects trusted and cared about and who cared about them (Waldinger & Schulz, 2023).

Building Trust
There are three factors that build trust: 1) building relationships, 2) consistency, and 3) expertise (Folkman, 2022). It would seem that consistency would be the most important factor, but when researcher Joe Folkman examined the data, he found “that while they all matter, and in fact, there's an interaction effect between them, the one with the biggest impact was relationships” (Folkman, personal communication, 2023).

According to Folkman, author of The Trifecta of Trust (2022), these same three factors build trust in organizations and can also build trust in our communities (Folkman, 2023).

1. Relationships. Trust begins with relationships. Psychologist Barbara Fredrickson, Ph.D., has found that even “micro-moments of connectivity” have a positive effect on us. We can make these connections not only with close friends and family members but the grocery store clerk or anyone else we encounter in daily life. A simple smile, eye contact, perhaps a kind word—that’s all it takes. These connections benefit both the giver and receiver—raising our mood, relieving stress, and reducing inflammation to promote greater physical and emotional well-being (Fredrickson, 2013). These small interactions can build more trusting and caring communities. Fredrickson writes that “studies of actual social networks show that, over time, happiness spreads through whole communities” in a positive ripple effect (2013, p. 61).

2. Consistency. Folkman says that consistency is often a problem for leaders. When someone at work asks for assistance, a well-intentioned leader promises to help, but can get distracted, failing to follow through. Folkman points out that, “When people ask us to do something, they always remember,” even if we don’t, and that in all our relationships, “We need to “pay more attention to those things, and be careful what we promise.”

3. Expertise. Trusting in someone’s professional knowledge and ability holds true at work and in our communities. Folkman says that when he goes to the doctor, who tells him to do something—exercise more, eat healthier foods—to improve his health, he follow his doctor’s advice because he trusts his medical expertise.

In our communities, these three factors—relationships, consistency, and expertise—are important when finding people we can trust to repair our cars or work on our houses. I rely on referrals from friends, especially one friend who’s had lots of work done on her house, because she knows contractors who are honest, reliable, and charge a reasonable fee. And I share my own referrals with friends in a network of trust that benefits us all.

According to Folkman, a lack of trust brings friction to organizations, making it harder to get things done, and greater trust can benefit our economy. He found that when the World Values Survey asked, “Can most people be trusted?” over 70 percent of the population in Norway agreed, over 60 percent agreed in the Netherlands, 42 percent in the United States, and under 5 percent in Colombia. He also found that the correlation between this level of trust and the gross domestic product of a nation is a highly significant Pearson Correlation Coefficient of 0.83.

Building Trust in Our Lives
How can we can begin building trust in our lives and our communities? Folkman’s research has found that we can improve our relationships by listening to people and pointing out what we appreciate about them. Appreciating others is a gratitude practice, which psychologist Robert Emmons, Ph.D., has found helps us and the other person feel better, strengthening our well-being, immune systems, and our capacity to flourish (Emmons, 2008; Fredrickson, & Joiner, 2002).

We can build greater trust by being consistent, keeping our promises, and doing what we say we’re going to do.

Folkman points out that we can share our expertise by becoming a mentor to others. Helping someone else learn and grow can build a strong bond of trust. We can be less competitive and more collaborative, recognizing that when we work together, we become part of a team.

Building trust can be learned. Folkman recalls that when he was a boy, eager to enjoy a piece of fresh cantaloupe, he was confused when his father said to pass the salt. But when he followed his father’s example and sprinkled a little salt on his slice of cantaloupe, it tasted even better. Borrowing from this experience, Folkman published an article entitled, “Understanding Trust: The Salt of Leadership” (Folkman, 2020).

PREGNANCY-
Born to Bond: Vaginal Birth Boosts Physical, Mental Health.
And why C-sections can disadvantage mothers and infants.
Reviewed by Tyler Woods

KEY POINTS-
Vaginal birth biologically primes parenting behavior and bonding, and physically alters the newborn to ready it for life outside the womb.
These changes trigger a virtuous cycle of behavior and response that supports the parent-child relationship and healthy infant development.
Unfortunately, these processes are disrupted by C-section birth, which can save lives, but sometimes has negative long-term repercussions.

In the shadow of America’s shameful maternal death rate lies another pervasive health crisis: nearly one-third of U.S. births are by Cesarean section. This means that over a million new Americans start life facing risks to their development every year, often unbeknownst to their parents.

Vaginal birth is not just a means of moving an infant from the uterus to the outside world. Rather, it is a complex interaction between the fetus and the mother’s body that profoundly alters the neurobiology and physiology of each, preparing them for the new stage of life ahead. Vaginal birth impacts everything from the mother’s instinctive reaction to her baby’s cries to the newborn’s organ maturation.

Parenting a newborn is incredibly difficult and demanding, so nature has given mothers a helping hand, beginning with hormonal changes during pregnancy that rewire the brain in preparation for parenthood. Then, vaginal birth builds on that foundation by releasing a flood of hormones which transform new mothers’ brains, altering their cognitive, salience, and reward systems. This makes bonding and new parental behaviors easier and exceptionally rewarding, and radically alters their sense of themselves and their well-being. A virtually unbreakable lifelong bond is rapidly formed between mother and infant, so strong that while romantic love frequently ends in a breakup, women seldom “divorce” their children.

The Impact of Vaginal Birth on Newborns
For the newborn, the impact of vaginal birth is at least as profound. Birth does not naturally take place when a fetus is ready to breathe air, nurse, and digest milk, but instead when it is ready for the vaginal birth process itself to add the finishing touches that prepare it for those new tasks.

In infants, the physical stress of the journey through the birth canal alters the immune cells in blood plasma and releases hormones which promote the maturation of the lungs and intestines. It also deactivates fetal genes and triggers postnatal epigenetic changes, including those that support antibody production, stress responses and glucose regulation. Vaginal birth washes the newborn in the microbiome of the mother’s birth canal, seeding its body with beneficial microorganisms which will aid its digestion, immune response, and much more.

Additionally, the vaginal birth process initiates new, unlearned behaviors in newborns, including breathing air, suckling for nutrition, seeking physical closeness and warmth, and crying when distant from their mothers.

The Impact of C-Section Births
After C-section birth, infants may display these same behaviors, but often less vigorously, because C-sections eliminate or reduce (depending upon timing) these vital processes and the profound neuro-physiological reorganization they trigger. This increases such newborns’ risk for conditions ranging from post-birth hypothermia to lifelong disorders including asthma, obesity, diabetes, celiac disease, juvenile arthritis, autism, cognitive difficulties, and mental illness.

Mother-child bonding can also become more difficult, increasing the mother’s risk for postpartum depression and potentially impacting the child’s long-term development.

Fortunately, many children born by C-section go on to have normal lives, and primary caretakers who don’t experience vaginal birth can develop alternate pathways for developing parental bonds by means of conscientious, focused efforts. However, it isn’t automatic or easy. The unfortunate consequences of our excessive C-section rate may be hidden in plain sight, ranging from news of rising perinatal and postpartum depression and reduced infant-maternal bonds, to a teen mental health crisis.

The Link Between Vaginal Birth and Parenting
The importance of the vaginal birth process and the consequences of missing out on it have to do with our nature as mammals. Ruth Feldman, the Simms/Mann professor of social neuroscience and director of the Center for Developmental Social Neuroscience at Reichman University, with a joint appointment at Yale Child Study Center, is a leading researcher of the human capacities for love, empathy, and resilience.

“Being born a mammal implies that the brain is immature at birth and develops in the context of the mother's body and caregiving behavior,” she wrote. “Infants rely on the provisions embedded in the mother's body, such as smell, touch, heat, or movements, and the expression of caregiving behavior for maturation of neurobiological systems that sustain participation in the social world.”

From blind, mewling kittens to monkey infants clamped onto to their mothers’ backs, mammalian young require intensive parenting as soon as they are born. Human babies are especially dependent because they are born without fully developed brains or endocrine, temperature regulation, sleep, hormonal, digestive and cardio-pulmonary systems, and require near-constant physical contact with a caregiver to regulate them. Even an hour of separation from their mothers causes two-day-old infants physiological stress and interferes with their sleep. Human infants are closer in some ways to kangaroo joeys, which mature in their mothers’ pouches, than to alert, clinging baby monkeys—indeed, we would have to gestate for another nine to 12 months to catch up with other primate newborns.

Although mammals rely on mothering for species survival, no one teaches a lioness or a horse how to parent. Instead, vaginal birth itself unleashes tides of hormones and neurotransmitters that activate specific neural pathways, triggering automatic responses so powerful that even first-time mothers will display brand new behaviors upon giving birth, from licking their babies, to assuming the right position for nursing, to responding to infant cries.

These changes also transform the normal adult aversion to crying infants into an attraction to them and a desire to care for them. Vaginal birth even triggers both mothers’ and infants’ ability to recognize and bond with each other based on scent.

How does vaginal birth accomplish all this? Through the most intense and rapid brain alternations in adult life—and the intense feelings they create. Many human mothers experience the greatest high of their lives when their infants are born. They are often floating on cloud nine, and fall in love with their infants the moment the newborn is placed, skin to skin, on their chests. That euphoria, an extreme surge of oxytocin, dopamine, and other neurotransmitters caused by labor and delivery, is necessary for mammals like us to overcome the strain, pain, and exhaustion of childbearing to immediately nurse and care for our infants. Nursing produces a milder form of the same high.

In this way, vaginal birth triggers a virtuous cycle, where the mother and infant are drawn to each other and instinctively engage in mutually rewarding behaviors. This close, affectionate physical contact facilitates the infant’s neurophysiological maturation and supports normal social, cognitive, and emotional development, as well as the mother-child bond.

Implications for C-Section Parents
C-section birth suppresses both the neuro-remodeling that promotes new parenting behaviors and the hormonal surge that makes them so rewarding. Of course, parents who don’t give birth vaginally (including fathers and adoptive parents) can still provide lots of close physical contact and bond with their babies—they just don’t have the same hormonally-enhanced motivations and behavioral prompts that vaginal birth provides, so they must sometimes make deliberate efforts to compensate.

Summarizing some of his vast body of research, Larry Young, Director of the Center for Translational Social Neuroscience at the Silvio O. Conte Center for Oxytocin and Social Cognition, and the William P. Timmie Professor of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the School of Medicine at Emory University, says “…this does not mean mothers with C-section cannot bond, they can nurse to release oxytocin, and skin-to-skin contact and eye-gazing can also stimulate oxytocin release, it just might not be the flood that happens with vaginal birth, which animals need to drive their behavior.” In other words, with consistent interventions (discussed further in Part 2), it is possible for parents to overcome the deficits caused by C-section birth.

Though C-sections are sometimes essential and life-saving for both mother and child, their potential mental and physical health repercussions are often not fully understood by either parents or physicians, who may take decisions about birth method too lightly. Caesarian sections remain far more prevalent than medical necessity demands, with the result that millions of American families may struggle to overcome unrecognized deficits.

Every child deserves a start in life that enables their full flourishing and psychological health, and every mother deserves to understand how her body’s capacity to give birth was evolutionarily designed to jumpstart her parenting brain and prepare her emotionally and neurologically for successful mothering. In part 2, we will explain how the biological processes set in motion by vaginal birth lead to the positive early experiences essential for healthy child development—as well as what happens when it goes wrong, and how parents of C-section or premature babies can improve their outcomes.

Why Do We Care So Much About Endings?
And should we?
Reviewed by Vanessa Lancaster

KEY POINTS-
When reflecting on experiences, we place emphasis on our memory of the end and peak of the experience.
One classic study found that most people preferred a longer painful experience if the least painful part was at the end.
In a meta-analysis of 174 results, the end of an experience was a better predictor of later evaluations than alternative predictors.

Two weeks ago, I came across a Reddit thread asking for thoughts about the latest season of Disney+’s The Mandalorian.

The top comment was from someone who basically said they liked it, but they might retroactively change their mind after they find out how the season ends.

It’s not hard to find other examples like this. Consider the backlash that followed the confounding and rushed final season of Game of Thrones. The series, despite being a gargantuan hit that was adored by its obsessive fans, suddenly left many of them questioning how good it really was.

In a way, this line of reasoning is puzzling. How can something you loved suddenly be worse because it ended on a bad note? If you enjoyed something in the past, doesn’t that enjoyment still count even if the experience didn’t end the way you hoped?

The Experiencing Self and the Remembering Self
Logically, it seems the answer to these questions must be no. If the final episode of The Mandalorian Season 3 is dreadful, the experience of watching it won’t reach backward in time and suck the joy out of your past experiences watching the previous seven episodes.

Nobel Prize-winning psychologist Daniel Kahneman coined a useful pair of phrases for talking about this sort of thing: the experiencing self and the remembering self. The experiencing self is the version of you who feels things from moment to moment. The remembering self is the version of you reflecting on past experiences. While your experiencing self has the most accurate read on how you feel, your remembering self gets the final word. And your remembering self is subject to the biases and distortions of human memory.

The Peak-End Effect: Why We Care More About Endings
One bias of our remembering self is known as the peak-end effect. When we’re evaluating an experience after the fact, the end of the experience and the peak of the experience (the most exciting or the most painful, for example) have an outsize influence.

In one classic demonstration of the effect led by Daniel Kahneman in 1993, he and his collaborators had 32 male students submerge their hands in cold water, a painful experience. One hand was placed in water at 14 degrees Celsius for 60 seconds; the other hand did the same thing but was followed by an additional 30 seconds as the temperature gradually raised to 15 degrees Celsius (the order of the two trials and which hand was placed in which bucket was swapped for half of the participants).

When asked to choose, the researchers found that 22 participants (69 percent) said they would prefer to repeat the longer trial rather than the shorter one. This was true, even though, objectively, the longer trial caused them more overall pain. When answering a follow-up question, one participant even remarked, “The choice I made doesn’t seem to make much sense.”

The cold water study is just one example with a pretty small and narrow sample, but numerous others have suggested this effect is robust. In 2022, a team of researchers led by Balca Alaybek conducted a meta-analysis of 174 independent results from 122 studies on the peak-end effect. They found that people’s feelings at the end of an experience were strongly correlated with people’s later reports of the experience (a correlation coefficient of r = 0.47) and that this correlation was higher than other possible predictors, like people’s feelings at the beginning of the experience (r = 0.4), or the general trend of people’s feelings, like whether their happiness level was going up or down over time (r = 0.14).

Is it Illogical to Care so Much About Endings?
I started this article by saying that the Reddit commenter’s line of reasoning was puzzling. But is it? In a 2016 study, researchers Stephanie Tully and Tom Meyvis point out that the end bias may actually make sense in situations where endings are especially meaningful. On a TV show, the final episode or season usually provides a resolution to the story. As a result, it may not be accurate to say that people are over-weighting those experiences when forming an impression of the overall experience.

I think more people should embrace their experiencing selves and just enjoy the ride more often. But you shouldn’t feel too bad if you find yourself dunking your hand in ice-cold water for an extra 30 seconds because it was slightly less cold at the end.