Chris Meisenhalder/Used with permission

There' are a lot of people in this world. And many of them suffer from loneliness. It's a serious issue for people of all ages, especially those aged 15 to 24. In addition to emotional pain and anguish, there are physical consequences, too. According to Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, loneliness is as deadly as smoking 12 cigarettes a day and increases the risk of premature death by 30%.

There are many reasons for not having a friend or a romantic partner. One is fear of judgment, particularly judgment that leads to feeling socially rejected or embarrassed. Social rejection is felt in the same area of the brain where physical pain is experienced, so there’s no surprise that it hurts so much. The possibility of such pain could deter efforts at friendship, and thus prevent people from connecting with others. Fear of being judged by others may lead people to give themselves excuses for not being social and not being open and vulnerable when around others. Given the pain, who would allow themselvesf to be judged again?

Jessica tells her family and coworkers that she loves people and loves being social. It's an old story that she repeats often. Yet she is actually painfully lonely and rarely socializes. She doesn't invite people to join her for coffee, movies, or other activities and often turns down the few invitations she receives. For over 20 years she has told herself that she will be social when she...

loses weight

has her house organized

isn’t worried about finances

isn’t depressed

has more time

meets people who are more her type

has a partner

has the “right” clothes to wear

doesn’t need to be available to her children.

Jessica avoids social situations so successfully that she isn’t even aware she is doing it. With a long list of reasons why she doesn’t attempt to connect with others, she didn’t recognize her avoidance—she believed her excuses. Yet that avoidance brings pain, too. After years of loneliness, Jessica now also suffers from depression and bitterness.

Are you making excuses that keep you isolated? Some people may be judgmental, and that's painful. At the same time, being alone is also painful.

Some people have tried many times to meet and connect with others. They’ve joined clubs and volunteered and tried multiple ways to be around people who could be friends. But while they want to connect, they may not realize that their social signaling is keeping others at a distance.

Social signaling is a core concept of Radically Open Dialectical Behavior Therapy (RODBT). It’s any behavior that you do in the presence of other people that send social messages independent of what your words say. Behaviors, such having a flat, expressionless face, speaking in a monotone, and having a dominating stance interfere with relationships.

For example, perhaps you routinely mask your inner experience; you don’t show what you are feeling or thinking to others, even in social situations. Such masking is easily detected by others and is usually experienced as discomfort or distrust. If they don’t know what your internal experience is, how can they trust you? And if they don’t trust, it’s difficult to build a relationship.

Being open about your thoughts and emotions is part of connecting with others. So, practice looking in a mirror and showing various expressions on your face. Practice recording your voice and varying voice tone to communicate different emotions. Signaling openness and friendliness to others can make a difference.

Perfectionism can also get in the way of establishing social bonds. Imagine you are at a party and someone is telling a funny story. Someone else in the group continually corrects details of the story, details that don’t really matter. The person doing the correcting is trying to be helpful, but would you want to have coffee with them? Probably not.

In such a case, being more laid back and having fun with the story would be more likely to result in connecting with others. Consider being mindful of how frequently you correct others when it's not only not helpful but actually damages the relationship. Perfectionism can also mean it's difficult to acknowledge your mistakes. Yet being able to acknowledge you aren't perfect is often a way to connect with other humans, who also are imperfect.

A key to connecting with others is to allow yourself to be vulnerable. This includes sharing information with others about yourself while at the same time not sharing too much information. Recounting all the details of your divorce to the stranger sitting next to you is not recommended.

Relationships typically build by moving one stage at a time on an intimacy scale. On Levels 1 and 2 you share information about everyday, nonemotional topics like the weather or service in a restaurant.

If you want to increase intimacy you move to Levels 3 and 4, which also involve nonemotional disclosures but about personal goals or values, such as parenting or philosophy. You could also make passionate disclosures about nonpersonal topics such as social media or reveal neutral personal preferences, such as about travel or biking.

To move to Levels 5 and 6, you reveal private feelings about personal events, such as how you feel about a neighbor or your job, and allow your emotions to show. Levels 7 and 8 involve revealing your thoughts about the relationship with the individual you are talking with, such as letting them know you like them and enjoy your time together. At this level you share your feelings about highly personal events, such as talking about your unhappy marriage. Level 9 involves revealing feelings of affection and desire, and Level 10 includes expressions of love and willingness to reveal deep-seated vulnerable emotions (Lynch, 2018).

If you’re lonely, consider the reasons that might be true for you. Do you allow yourself to be open and vulnerable?