As I establish myself as a psychotherapist, I'm reflecting on the elements of my research on the scaffolding of success that I find myself returning to with my clients.

Perhaps not surprisingly, centering yourself is key to success in therapy and in life. By choosing to participate in therapy, clients are choosing to focus on themselves. Sometimes, this comes as an unwelcome realization in the therapy room. Centering yourself turns out to be as difficult for clients as it is for anyone. The self, the mind likes to evade the most difficult topics. To help clients settle into the present moment means to help them endure the painful, sometimes excruciating feelings they both want to address and try to suppress, deflect, or otherwise avoid.

Two key tools I turn to over and over are as follows:

Number 1. Circle of Influence and Circle of Concern.

Good old Stephen Covey's The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People remains evergreen. In particular, the concepts of the circle of influence and the circle of concern. The circle of influence is the stuff we can change. It lives inside a larger circle, the circle of concern, which is all the stuff that we are, well, concerned about. The stuff about which we are concerned runs the gamut from deciding whether to have that second cup of coffee to stopping global climate change or the fact that we all must die. Only one of those three items is one over which we have direct control. (Go ahead, have that second cup.)

But very often clients leapfrog out of the circle of influence and worry about stuff over which they have no direct control. World peace, for example. Covey says focus on what you can change, and as you do that you'll find that your circle of influence grows larger, meaning that you can begin to influence those bigger concerns.

Do I feel a little funny referring to a self-help book with clients? Not at all, at least not in this case, because this concept, which is Stephen Covey's way of saying to us readers, "Control what is controllable and don't try to control the rest," is truly one of the secrets to flourishing, success, or in humbler terms, living without driving yourself crazy.

Stephen Covey's Circle of Influence & Circle of Concern

Source: Hope Perlman

A new picture storybook by Jon Muth called Stillwater and Koo Save the World addresses the worries we have about making the world better (Circle of Concern) by focusing on what we can actually do about it (Circle of Influence). In the book, Koo is fretting about life. Stillwater the panda tells his companion Koo that what he needs to do to is wake up in the morning, be kind to someone, take care of his responsibilities, and little by little the world improves. Koo should center himself, in other words, and make change where he can. If everyone were to do that, then we would all be helping to make the world better together.

Number 2. Practice Mindfulness.

I know, I know, mindfulness blah-blah-blah. Readers, there's a reason so many people are talking about how important mindfulness is. Now, what do I mean by mindfulness? I mean getting centered in what is happening in you in the moment. Are your shoulders clenched around your ears? Have you remembered to breathe? What sensations are coming up in your belly or your chest as you talk? When you tune into them, what thoughts and emotions connect to those sensations?

In therapy sessions, when a client seems to sink into silence or to run out of things to say, I find myself naturally asking them to check in with what's happening in their body and mind at this moment. Thoughts or feelings might be difficult to identify or to admit, but bodily sensations are always available for mention and tuning in to a fluttering stomach or a weight in the chest often opens up the session in unexpected ways.

I also teach this tool to clients to help them manage themselves out of the room. The importance of making this connection can't be overrated. When we react without knowing what's happening in our hearts and minds, we may create unnecessary conflict and difficulties for ourselves with our coworkers, friends, children, partners, or anyone with whom we need to communicate. I hate to say it, because it sounds so preachy, but mindfulness or being present connects right back to that circle of influence. When you get down to the nub of what you can actually control, it's really only how you choose to react in any given moment. Thus, being mindful, also known as being present, is essential to flourishing, success, and making positive change.

So centering yourself is one of the basic planks we use in therapy. And it's one of the planks in my scaffolding of success, whether you're in therapy or in a board meeting. After all, by success I really mean flourishing. Turns out that the basic instruction is to tune into yourself, get centered in the present, and figure out what your first next step should be.