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Elizabeth always felt different than her peers. An "emo child," as her family referred to her, she preferred grunge and rock music, and chose to paint and read while her siblings attended parties and other social gatherings. Over time, she found that the more she spoke out about what her childhood was like, the more extended family members and family friends turned their back on her. "I can't believe she is causing trouble. She should be grateful," they would say, slightly within earshot. Her siblings, who she assumed would understand, also started to distance themselves. "Leave the past in the past, Liz, it's better that way. Why bring all this up now?" they'd say during the occasional get together.

Elizabeth started to realize that she had become the family's "black sheep," the one who was different than all the rest, and who stood out. She went through periods of self-blame: "Maybe it's my fault for speaking out;" moments of guilt: "I shouldn't be thinking this way," and even times of denial: "Maybe I am exaggerating everything that I went through."

These feelings compounded her already present sense of shame, leading to anxiety and depression. Over time, she started to validate her truth, and learned that in doing so, healing was possible.

In dysfunctional families, much like all dysfunctional social systems, there is a lot of resistance and pushback against people who speak out. It is common for the rest of the family, still stuck in the denial phase, to rally against the person who speaks out about the abuse or dysfunction. This person who speaks out soon becomes the black sheep, and is often ostracized and blamed.

Not all black sheep are treated cruelly or pushed aside by families. In fact, some are able to use this label jokingly — recognizing their differences while still knowing they are loved and supported. Unfortunately, many do have this experience, especially in families with a high rate of unhealthy dysfunction. This is because it is easier to blame someone for speaking out than to take a look at the dysfunction as a whole, and how each person — especially the adults or those with the most power — are continuing it. The person shining a light on the dysfunction by speaking out becomes an all too easy target.

In my practice, I often find that the "black sheep" is the most honest of the family members, but unfortunately, this honesty does not come with many perks due to the ridicule and blame that often follows. However, I also find that the black sheep is the most likely to break away from the dysfunctional family cycles.

When this happened to me, I felt alone and scared. I wish I had somewhere to turn to help me heal, and to tell me that it was not my fault, that the pain wouldn't always be there.

Now, when I work with clients who are experiencing the same thing, we work on ways to validate and protect them during their healing journey.

Here are some ways I help them work through this:

1. Validate your truth. No matter what your family or friends say, remind yourself of what you know to be true. If you were cast aside after coming forward about your experiences, they might say you are mistaken or misunderstand your experiences. They might even outright call you a liar. To defend yourself against their gaslighting, the most essential thing to remind yourself is that you know your truth, and that you do not have to convince anyone else.

Family members and mutual friends may not always stick up for you against those who harmed you: Try not to take it personally. Unfortunately, when it comes to speaking up, most people would rather not get involved. It is usually a reaction out of fear, or even a lack of understanding. This can be especially true for siblings or people with ties to the family who are still involved in the dysfunction. Those who know the truth might fear becoming the new target. Or they may truly believe that you are harming the family by speaking out. Unfortunately, you can not control their reaction, and it has nothing to do with you personally, as personal as it feels. Work on moving forward by focusing inward and onward. Healing is not only possible but all the more likely after you have validated your truth.

2. Increase boundaries to protect yourself. Depending on your situation, this may look different for you. It might look like refusing to engage in conversations that are uncomfortable or attending events that make you feel uneasy. For others, boundaries might be more about maintaining safety. Do not be afraid to end contact if the situation is unsafe for you emotionally or physically, or if there are children involved and you worry for their safety or wellbeing.

The relief and growth that comes from healing is worth any discomfort that comes from ending contact. Unfollow, unfriend, and block on social media so you are not tempted to look and see what they are doing or who they are doing it with. Decrease the common links they can use to get to you — your distant cousin who they use as a messenger? It's okay to tell them you do not wish to hear any updates.

3. Remember: You are NOT to blame! Always remember: What happened was not your fault, especially if it happened during childhood or your younger years. A child is never to blame for the dysfunctional household dynamics. You were not to blame for traumatic or dysfunctional events that took place inside the home, and you are not to blame for acknowledging or speaking out about your experiences. Others, especially those who have not yet done their own work of healing, will try to blame you for speaking out.

If you are struggling with childhood or family trauma, or learning how to create boundaries in the aftermath of a dysfunctional family situation, look for a therapist who specializes in working with survivors of family trauma and who understands these aspects of family dynamics.