If there’s one thing most people fear in relationships, it’s infidelity. According to Rokach and Chan (2023), infidelity is a secret emotional, sexual, or romantic engagement that violates the exclusivity of a romantic relationship. While there are different types and levels of infidelity, research shows that women hold more strict definitions of adultery than men (Bozoyan & Schmiedeberg, 2022).

Why Adulterous Relationships Usually Fail

You could point to several reasons adulterous/cheating relationships don’t work. Some would argue that relationships that start in such an unhealthy way are doomed to fail. Others would say that the root of the relationship is the problem. Not only does it start in an unhealthy way, but it is also rooted in dishonesty and pain for another person. Some might point to the inherent mistrust in the relationship that increases its likelihood of failure.

All of these reasons are undoubtedly essential factors in adulterous relationships that ultimately lead to their demise; however, one factor is more important than these.

Shoes outside of hotel bedroom door

Source: AlexSava/Getty Images Signature

Adulterous relationships are doomed to fail because they are born and exist in darkness. Nearly every living organism on Earth needs light to foster growth and thrive. While the amount of light varies, light is crucial.

As a new gardener, I learned that one of the first rules of planting spring flowers is that you can’t plant flowers close to each other. You need to read the flower card and find out how much room the roots of the flower need. Many flowers need 6–12 inches of circumference around them so the roots have enough space to expand and grow, among other reasons.

When relationships have room to grow, they can stretch and shift to accommodate the changes that each partner experiences and changes in their environment. Because they are constricted to specific days, times, and locations, adulterous relationships can't account for the room they need.

Unfortunately, these relationships can only survive in secrecy, which is the very thing that strangles them. In other words, what propels the relationship to continue (i.e., secrecy) also slowly aids in its death.

How They May Survive

The life cycle of adulterous relationships changes from couple to couple. For example, people with emotional attachments to their cheating partners typically have more difficulty ending the relationship. Regardless of how long they last, they are doomed to fail unless…the film of secrecy lifts.

Transitioning the relationship from the dark hole of secrecy to the light is the only way to survive. While the probability is low, some couples eventually find levels of health in their once adulterous relationship. However, you will never achieve this in a relationship made up of stolen moments. Many times, once the secrecy is lifted, the relationship loses its excitement. In these cases, you know that the glue of the relationship was its forbiddenness, not an emotional connection.

If you are in a romantic relationship with someone who is cheating on a spouse/partner, don’t settle for being a secret. You will never get the love and commitment you deserve while hidden. It may be exciting initially, but with all relationships, they settle. And, once they settle, you’ll realize that you did, too.