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Do you ever perceive a request by your partner to meet their needs as an indication that you are not up to their standards? When this happens, the expression of your partner’s need(s) is internalized in such a way that makes you feel deficient or less than.

The term I use for this common relationship trend is personalossing. Essentially the person who is personalossing is personalizing a loss, when in fact, it really isn’t a loss. Rather, it is an expressed need and an opportunity to enhance the relationship.

Let’s illustrate this with a hypothetical couple, Robyn and Sam. Robyn asks Sam to be more proactive when it comes to planning quality time for them to connect. Sam immediately responds by cycling through all of the date nights that he has planned in the past, demonstrating the effort he has put forth and intending to debunk her claim. Sam has gotten defensive, which in turn has triggered Robyn, shifting the request to a tense conversation.

Robyn, in fact, was appreciative of the effort Sam puts forth when it comes to their relationship. She wasn’t criticizing him but was commenting on their need to intentionally connect on a regular and continuous basis. She also wanted him to plan activities that he would want to do with her rather than her being the one who makes the majority of decisions when it comes to their time together.

Sam made an assumption. His perception was that Robyn’s expression of her need for him to proactively plan quality time meant that he was somehow deficient when it came to their connection. He personalossed, which affected him and, in turn, led to a breakdown in their communication.

As a marriage and family therapist who mainly works with couples, I have observed on many occasions that when one person shares their needs, their partner gets defensive. This is easy to spot in session through one partner invalidating the need that was expressed by the other, justifying how they met the need, or through a shift in tone or change in body posture signaling that they have shut down and are no longer present in the conversation.

Such defensiveness makes intuitive sense because, in a loving and caring relationship, we don’t want to let our partner down; we want to show up for them on all days in all ways. Also, from a self-preservation perspective, it is painful to hear that there is something that we are doing wrong.

I try to illustrate to my clients that when a person expresses their needs, they are sharing ways that the relationship can be strengthened. It does not necessarily mean that they have pointed out an area in which their companion is lacking (though this can sometimes be the case). To help people combat the tendency to personaloss, I encourage them to reflect on their immediate reactions to their partner’s expression of needs.

If there is a quick jump to defensiveness, it is important to take a beat and really think about what your partner is asking and why, and engage them in conversation about the need and where it is surfacing from. You may find out that your partner, through self-reflection, has new needs that were not present before or values something that is already being done in the relationship and wants to see or do more of it. Understanding the why (reason for the need) and not just the what (the need itself) can provide much-needed context and prevent personalossing.