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Viviana gets home from work late for the third time this week feeling exhausted and hungry. Even though it’s after work hours, she decides to stay up late to finish a report as a favor to a co-worker. “It’s not like I have anything super-important to do,” Viviana thought to herself when her coworker asked for help. It’s 3 a.m. when she finishes the report and goes to bed. She groans as she realizes she’ll only get four hours of sleep tonight.

Viviana’s situation is commonplace for many of us. She’s suffering the consequences of self-neglect, failing to care for her vital needs. And the consequences of self-neglect are great. When we fail to care for ourselves, our physical, mental, and emotional health can dramatically decline.

Emotional neglect in your upbringing makes you more susceptible to self-neglect in adulthood. Childhood emotional neglect happens when your parents fail to respond to your emotional needs enough as they raise you. Without emotional attention, you were left with feelings and needs that fell below the radar. Your parents didn’t tend to them, so you learned not to either.

Just because your emotional needs have gone unnoticed doesn’t mean they don’t exist. They are real and worth listening to. And while your parents, however well-intentioned, didn’t teach you this invaluable skill of listening to your feelings and needs, it’s not too late for you to learn now.

The examples below are a great starting point for you to begin thinking about ways your emotional needs might go unaddressed in your life today:

Examples of Self-Neglect in Everyday Life

• Not giving yourself time for a full night's sleep.
• Keeping your thoughts or opinions to yourself.
• Mindless eating or eating unhealthy foods.
• A lack of movement or exercise.
• Having an incredibly busy schedule without much free time.
• The concept of fun or play feeling foreign to you.
• Not engaging in talents or hobbies you’re good at.
• Settling for an understimulating or stagnant career.
• Saying no to activities that sound enjoyable.
• Engaging in harmful distractions like excessive drug or alcohol use.
• Solely focusing on the feelings and needs of others.
• Not reflecting upon the source of your unhappiness.
• Believing you have no time or care for your physical appearance.
• Spending little time in nature or activities that bring you peace.

If you are relating to these examples, please find solace in the fact that most humans on the planet neglect themselves in one way or another. The problem arises when your self-neglect is in too many areas or grows too extreme.

Picture treating your child, your best friend, your partner, or even your beloved pet the way you treat yourself. Would you deprive the people you love of joy, nourishment, or love? I’m willing to bet you wouldn’t. So, why deprive yourself of these things?

You might have all sorts of answers to that question. Perhaps you believe you deserve to be treated this way. Those who were emotionally neglected as children often lack self-worth in adulthood. I want you to start treating yourself the way you treat others…because the way you treat others is leaps and bounds more attentive and loving than the way you treat yourself.

5 Steps to Turn Your Self-Neglect Into Self-Love

1. Reflect upon which areas you are neglecting yourself the most. Is it your overbooked schedule? Is it your lack of time engaging in value-based activities? Is it minimal sleep, good food, or exercise?
2. Write down all the examples of self-neglect in your own life. There’s something about writing something down that helps it become a reality. It’s easy to neglect this issue because the issue is self-neglect! Write down ways you neglect yourself and use this as a guide for change. Keep it handy and refer to it often.
3. Start with one item from the list at a time. It can be quite overwhelming to try to address everything at once. Choose one way you are engaging in self-neglect and start there.
4. Decide that you will do the opposite. Let’s say you want to begin focusing on the number of tasks you put on your plate. You realize that you say yes to other people and no to yourself most of the time. You decide to do the opposite by saying no to others and yes to yourself. Obviously, you won’t get it right every time. Pay attention to when it’s difficult for you or when you fall back into old patterns.
5. Keep track of your progress. I have created Change Sheets to help you overcome self-neglect. The Change Sheets are free on my website: Go to Books → Running on Empty, and you’ll find free access to these worksheets to help you track your recovery. These worksheets act as a guide to help you identify your feelings each day and track when you say no, ask for help, or prioritize enjoyment. They also assist in monitoring eating, exercise, and rest/relaxation habits…all excellent ways to put an end to your self-neglect.

https://instanceimprovedhew.com/sau1aq4mfj?key=442bb30541d883ea5fe5a5df57c1f195

Here is Viviana, a year after deciding to take steps to recover from self-neglect:

It’s been a long road, but Viviana decided to leave the corporate job that left her feeling stressed, bored, and unfulfilled. She applied to nonprofits that support her passion for helping underprivileged children. At the end of a phone call telling her friend about her new job, her friend asks Viviana to dog sit over the weekend. Even though Viviana has a concert to attend, she starts to think of ways she could make it work. She pauses and redirects her attention to her feelings and needs. “I’m so sorry, but I can’t this weekend. I’m going to a concert with my family on Saturday.” Her friend responds with understanding and starts asking for details about the concert. Viviana feels so proud of herself. She’s come a long way.

Viviana confronted the areas in her life where she was neglecting herself. Now, she’s on a path to working a job that gives her meaning and is aligned with her values. She has reintroduced her love of music into her life and has been attending concerts. She’s working on saying no to others even when it’s uncomfortable. She’s learning to share her feelings with people close to her to create greater balance in her relationships.

You, too, can make changes in your life. It takes time and effort specifically geared toward you and your personal goals and motivations—something you’ve been pushing down for far too long. You deserve to live your life fully and with meaning. It’s never too late to start taking care of yourself.