In life, we will experience many challenges and untimely and unfair circumstances. They come with being human and are often beyond our control. What we do have control over, however, is how we respond to them. We can avoid unnecessary suffering through the practice of acceptance.

Imagine looking forward to your morning walk, only to look out your window and see that it’s raining. You start cursing the rain for ruining your plans and vocalize your disbelief of the circumstances with things like, “I can’t believe this!” and “Why today?!” This initial frustration is natural, and you can spend so much time resisting or wishing that things were different, and yet you still won’t be able to change the fact that it’s raining.

 

On the other hand, if you acknowledge your frustration and accept that the rain just is, then you can put your energy into deciding how to proceed with your day, which may simply involve grabbing an umbrella and raincoat and going for the walk anyway. By shifting focus from what’s outside of your control to what’s within your control, you put yourself in a place of action and forward-focused thinking.

Resistance Versus Acceptance

Just as with the rain, when an unfavorable situation occurs and difficult emotions arise (think anger, sadness, guilt, frustration, anxiety), we can choose to react with resistance or acceptance.

Let’s look at the difference:

Resistance Questions (Keep You Stuck)

• Why is this happening to me?
• Why would they do that?
• We did everything right, so why did this happen?

Acceptance Questions (Get You Unstuck)

• What is my next right decision?
• What is within my control?
• How can I navigate this difficult situation?

It is easy for us to lean towards the questions that keep us stuck. They are easily accessible, especially when we feel tired or overwhelmed, but they are limiting. We may even find ourselves dwelling on questions that have no answers, which only keeps us trapped.

Acceptance is typically the first step to making any change. The goal is to move away from asking the "why?" questions and move forward with the action-oriented “how?" and "what?" questions instead.

What Acceptance Is (and What It Is Not)

Acceptance is the active process of seeing reality as it is, without judgment. It is understanding the difference between what you can control and what you can’t. Through the practice of acceptance, you are making space for your experience along with the painful and uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that come with it. It is the acknowledgment of the present for what it is, rather than what used to be or what you think should be, and utilizing your skills to respond appropriately.

I believe that much of the difficulty surrounding acceptance comes down to a misunderstanding of what acceptance looks like. Many people equate acceptance with approval. But this is not true. Acceptance doesn’t mean you like, want, support, or would choose what you are accepting. It is not giving up, losing hope, or relinquishing agency. It is also not passivity, settling, or apathy. In reality, acceptance is quite the opposite.

Jon Kabat-Zinn summed this up beautifully with these words: “Acceptance doesn’t, by any stretch of the imagination, mean passive resignation. Quite the opposite. It takes a huge amount of fortitude and motivation to accept what is — especially when you don’t like it — and then work wisely and effectively as best you possibly can with the circumstances you find yourself in and with the resources at your disposal, both inner and outer, to mitigate, heal, redirect, and change what can be changed.”

Why Practice Acceptance?

Practicing acceptance is a process that takes time, space, and intention. The reality is that we are given many opportunities to practice—whether by choosing to accept our past, our emotions, our thoughts, external events, and even other individuals. Here are five benefits of practicing acceptance:

1. Acceptance helps us validate our emotional experience – When we acknowledge and accept our emotions without judgment, we recognize that they are a natural response to our circumstances, rather than something to be suppressed or dismissed. This validation creates space for self-compassion and honours our humanity.
2. Acceptance supports our mental and emotional well-being – Resisting, denying, or avoiding reality and difficult emotions takes effort and often prolongs suffering. Research shows that those who work to accept their mental experiences, rather than judge them, have better psychological health (Ford et al., 2017).
3. Acceptance helps foster resilience – In my book, Calm Within the Storm, I outline acceptance as one of five key pillars of resiliency. When we can step back from and accept a challenge or hardship, we are better able to navigate our way through.
4. Acceptance helps us shift our attention and take appropriate action – Shifting from resisting or wishing things were different to responding with acceptance helps to reduce our internal struggle. When we see and accept things as they are, it becomes easier for us to direct our energy and attention into finding solutions and moving forward constructively.
5. Acceptance enhances life satisfaction and contributes to a greater sense of inner peace – Being open and willing to make space for uncomfortable thoughts and emotions can allow us to live more meaningfully and freely (Wojnarowska et al., 2020). When we no longer expend energy fighting against what is beyond our control, we open ourselves up to greater contentment and a deeper sense of well-being.

Final Thoughts

By practicing acceptance daily with what may be the little inconveniences (the weather, spilling a coffee, traffic, or a cancelled meeting), we create and strengthen neural connections for the future. Of course, it is easier for us to come to accept the rain than it is for us to accept something like a financial hardship, life-altering diagnosis, or loss, yet the idea remains the same. When we accept our reality for what it is, we loosen the grip these events and experiences hold on us and create more space for growth.

Let this be a gentle invitation to allow yourself to let go of what is no longer needed to be able to move on for the sake of your emotional health. Slow down, feel your feelings, accept what you cannot change, and choose to put your energy and focus into finding your next right step.