Difficulties and negative events are a part of life. We may not be in charge of the occurrence of a tragic event, hardship, or misfortune, but we can bring in effective coping that allows for a balance of acceptance and shift. When the negativity is in high proportionality, it remains prominent; when the balance of the positive and negative is more moderate, the negative can become less conspicuous.

Approaching ourselves and situations more positively can help to lessen the sting of sadness and distress. The solution is not, however, to suppress all negative emotions or invalidate the experience. This latter approach has come to be associated with the notion of toxic positivity which can lead to inauthenticity, frustration, and lower well-being.

Rather than the “think only happy thoughts” or “look on the bright side” type of interventions, research shows that allowing the negative, while also pulling in some positive, is much more effective. There are several metaphors that allow some exploration of ways to apply this mindset to different situations.

 

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A Glass of Salty Water

If we had a glass of salty water that we were asked to drink, we might consider it rather distasteful. We may want to take out the salt to make it more palatable, but this is not easy to do if the salt has dissolved into the water. However, if we take that glass of salty water and dilute it within a 5-gallon container of water, the saltiness is much less present. Similarly, in life, we may not be able to delete some of the negative past events or problematic situations (the salt) but the more positives we can add into our life (the water), the less we are focusing only on the negatives. Finding ways to enhance life by shifting towards happiness, joy, contentment, and peace is a critical part of resilience and of being human.

 

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A Dollop of Yogurt

Many individuals have trauma and adversity in their backgrounds. As much as we would like to be able to forget these events, we know that this generally isn’t realistic. Yet, we can assist in the process of adding more encouraging events or more affirming interpretations into life which will slowly begin to weaken the intensity of the unpleasant experiences. Just as adding a dollop of yogurt (or any dairy-based product such as sour cream or ranch dressing) can tone down fiery, spicy food, adding in some positives can also tone down the negative life experiences. A fun recreational pursuit, a new friend, or a fresh way of interpreting a disappointment might help to mellow something that has gotten too fierce. Taking a long-awaited vacation, redecorating a room or moving to a better job can be like changing the taste of a situation that has become sour or acrimonious. The process of deliberately and determinedly diluting the difficulties allows our senses to remain ready for new tastes of life.

 

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Mining for Gems

There are times when circumstances lead to lots of dark, dirty, mucky days—and this really stinks. Amidst the darkness, however, we can also sometimes find little glitters of gold. Like panning for gems in a muddy river bed, we have to be on the lookout for the tiniest glimpse of a sparkle that lets us know there might be something valuable to grab. During difficult times, the majority of life circumstances might still be messy, muddled, and rocky for a time, but finding a way to look for moments of comfort can help. Can we watch pretty birds from the window, have an amazing meal, or find a funny video? Small sparkles do not immediately or spontaneously lead to all being resolved, yet adding in some small peaceful moments can bring some momentary comfort.

 

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Take Breaks From the Bitter Bus

We are absolutely allowed to feel angry, resentful, and jealous about having had more challenges or obstacles than others we might know, but only focusing on the negatives leads us to often ruminate on unconstructive comparisons. We might be on the bitter bus for a bit, but finding ways to take breaks at designated stops will help to shift focus, allow some perspective, and take a much-needed pause. Some life journeys are indeed more taxing, and this requires even more rest stops along the way.

Find a Rainbow

When we need a quick change of perspective or mindset in a difficult moment, engaging in a mindfulness activity of finding a rainbow (finding and naming at least five colored objects in your current view) can break the spell on negativity or discomfort—at least for a few moments. This light-hearted engagement can be used in various moments of spiraling cynicism, ranging from undergoing an uncomfortable dental procedure to waiting in an unbelievably long line when in a hurry. Paying attention to pleasant colors naturally does not take away all the frustration, stress, or sadness, but it can temporarily distract and stimulate a reset to get back to the coping work in a new way.

Find a Rainbow

When we need a quick change of perspective or mindset in a difficult moment, engaging in a mindfulness activity of finding a rainbow (finding and naming at least five colored objects in your current view) can break the spell on negativity or discomfort—at least for a few moments. This light-hearted engagement can be used in various moments of spiraling cynicism, ranging from undergoing an uncomfortable dental procedure to waiting in an unbelievably long line when in a hurry. Paying attention to pleasant colors naturally does not take away all the frustration, stress, or sadness, but it can temporarily distract and stimulate a reset to get back to the coping work in a new way.

Reflection Questions:

• Are you fatigued and overwhelmed by a negative situation that might need some reset and reframe?
• Can you consider one of the suggested metaphors as a way to better balance validation of the difficult while also seeking out something more soothing?
• Next time you find yourself in a moment of frustration, could you try the “find the rainbow” technique?