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One of the greatest sources of distress we experience is losing our connection to what gives our lives meaning and purpose. We get caught up in the pressures of daily life, struggle to form lasting, healthy habits, and get distracted by the unhelpful thoughts that remind us of our shortcomings. Before you give up on yourself, learn how to view the gaps in your life as a source of strength rather than a sign of defeat.

I have grown to appreciate how uncomfortable people are at looking at the important areas of their lives and the gaps that exist. This includes me. But I remind myself that it’s our distress that points to what really matters. It’s when we focus on that pain that we can find the power to create the life we want.

Looking the Other Way

We are excellent at being on autopilot, not really thinking about where we are heading or why. We are good at focusing on the urgent tasks directly in front of us, putting out one fire after another, not considering the bigger questions of life and the person we want to become.

One of the main barriers to examining our lives is the immediate realization of how far we are from where we want to be. The gap between who I am and who I want to be and the gap between what I want and what I have can be a source of genuine pain.

Losing a connection to what is important to us can be so distressing that we stay focused on the tyranny of the urgent and distract ourselves with entertainment, substances, and momentary pleasure. Meanwhile, time passes, but nothing changes in our lives.

Taking a Closer Look

To help people turn their pain into purpose, I encourage them to explore two key areas of life satisfaction: basic emotional needs and their mission in life. We need to know what we want in life and the impact we desire to make with our lives.

Following the concepts of self-determination theory, use these questions to get yourself thinking about what is out of place in your life:

• Belonging — Who is important to you? With whom do you feel accepted, included, and known? Who is investing in your life? Into whose life are you investing your life?
• Competence — What are your talents and abilities? How are you using your abilities to make a difference in the world? What problems do you want to solve? What situations do you want to make better?
• Autonomy — What do you stand for? What do you stand against? What are your values, and how are they guiding your life and the decisions you make? Are you in charge of your life, or are your circumstances, your past, or your unhelpful mind in charge?

Our emotional system is wired to let us know when our basic emotional needs are met and when they are not. If we are unhappy, we do not have to look far for reasons why. We experience distress when we are disconnected from others, struggle to see our worth and contribution to the world, and do not feel in charge of our lives.

Transforming Pain Into Purpose

It is this distress that needs to be harnessed and turned into a greater purpose for our lives.

Once we have discovered the gaps in our lives, we can take that knowledge and see pain for what it is—a sign of what is truly important. Our pain exists because we long for connection, impact, and autonomy. We want to be known and know others, make a difference in the world, and enjoy the freedom of being in charge of our lives, taking a stand for what matters most.

Finding Your Mission

As you look at what is missing in your life and begin to define your values, take a moment to examine yourself from the perspective of the end of your life. What impact have you left behind? For what do you want to be remembered? What would you want your friends and family to say about who you were and the impression you have made on their lives?

Take the time to write out what impact you want your life to have on the world around you. This will help you face one of the tough questions we often avoid, one that keeps you stuck in autopilot mode: Why am I here? Viktor Frankl clarifies this reflective task best when he states: “The question can no longer be ‘What can I expect from life?’ but can now only be ‘What does life expect of me?’ What task in life is waiting for me?”

As you tap into the power that comes from embracing the gap between where you are now and where you want to be, you will find that the pain you feel is a longing for love, connection, impact, and meaning. Life hurts because something is important to us. Use that power to focus your time, energy, and money on what matters.

Your values and mission in life will transform your pain into a focused direction for living. It will help you put your best energy into the very few things that matter the most and say “no” to the rest. It is never too late to do what matters most.