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When you were young, a parent or guardian might have told you, "don't talk to strangers!" I know mine did and I generally followed that direction. As a kid, it probably kept me out of some trouble too.

In fact, it worked so well, I continued keeping to myself for a while—even as I grew up. Nevertheless, it is almost impossible to make new friends (or get a date) without talking to strangers.

So, those introverted tendencies were eventually overpowered by amorous teenage feelings. Even so, it was a hard habit to break.

I don't think I'm alone in that situation either. Many people have a tendency to keep to themselves, rather than talking with a stranger. Even when they don't fear danger, they may worry about looking foolish, or being a bother to others. As a result, they can miss out on potential friends, business connections, and romantic partners. Fortunately, though, recent research sheds light on the reasons why we might want to talk to strangers and how to talk to them successfully as well.

The Benefits of Talking to Strangers

According to a June 2023 article in Current Opinion in Psychology, most adults are missing out on the many benefits of talking to people they don't (yet) know. Reviewing the research on the topic, the authors state, "Talking and listening to strangers reduces loneliness, engenders positive emotions, improves well-being, creates unexpected learning opportunities, and increases creativity."

Beyond those personal benefits, they also note, "Talking to strangers may even benefit society as a whole, as engaging with people outside one’s usual circles offers opportunities to reduce social divides and build common ground."

Authors Atir, Zhao, and Echelbarger go on to explain that people miss out on these benefits for three main reasons. First, individuals may not have the right intentions about talking to strangers, or believe strangers might have negative intentions toward them. Second, people may feel they don't have competent interpersonal skills to break the ice and start a conversation with someone new. Third, folks may simply not see the opportunities in their everyday lives to speak to someone new—even when a stranger might be eager and receptive to chat. Taken together, these three factors create a barrier that prevents many people from feeling more connected, better informed, and happier.

How to Talk to Strangers

Happily, Atir and associates also provide some pointers to improve our intentions, competence, and opportunities for speaking with strangers. Those pointers align quite well with other tips I have shared throughout the years here, and in my book Attraction Psychology. So, to help you make some new friends, business associates, or romantic partners, let's review each of those three areas in more detail.

Intention: Atir, Zhao, and Echelbarger invite us to rethink our intentions about speaking to strangers. They point out, "People have a good sense that a conversation with a friend or close other will be enjoyable and informative, but it turns out that conversations with strangers are fun as well, sometimes to a similar extent." The difference, however, is that we are curious about our friends, but generally anxious about strangers. As I've previously discussed though, focusing on curiosity can reduce anxiety in social interactions.

Besides, the authors also clarify that many strangers are open and receptive to talking anyway. They state, "Even before a conversation begins, people underestimate strangers’ prosociality and interest in conversing. After the conversation, people underestimate how much their conversation partner learned from them, liked them, and continued to think of them later." So, sometimes strangers want to talk as well. Looking for things like positive body language, or eye contact and smiling, can provide clues that they might want to chat with you too.

Competence: Even folks with the best intentions may simply not know what to say to a stranger. As Atir and associates highlight, "When engaged in conversation, people are especially worried about being likable and appearing competent, but do not always understand how to create these impressions." They then point out that asking questions and sharing something a bit personal can create a more positive impression than people might think. In my experience, asking questions and making statements like that also breaks the ice and starts a conversation off well.

Beyond that, Atir, Zhao, and Echelbarger suggest that active listening and showing appreciation can also be helpful for competent conversations. In my own writings, this would be akin to building rapport and being rewarding. Essentially, even when you do not know what to say, you can never go wrong by being empathetic, supportive, and appreciative toward someone. Simply thanking them for their time and perspective can go a long way too.

Opportunity: On this third point, the authors ask us to consider both physical places and online sites for opportunities to meet new people. The general idea is to find ways we can create more casual interactions with people, as we go about our daily lives. As I have shared, this approach works well for finding romantic partners too—in physical places and dating online as well. Therefore, dare to be curious about the folks around you. Leave a thoughtful question on a social media post. Compliment someone on their unique shoes. You might just make a friend, business contact, or a new romantic connection.