Narcissism may be an unconscious defense mechanism. Early in your life, there may have been times when you felt helpless and small, possibly at the hands of an attachment figure. In order to protect yourself from being enveloped by that feeling, you may have unconsciously defended against it by identifying with the aggressor—the person you perceived as dominant, powerful and invincible. Unbeknownst to you, you may have become that person.

Alternatively, perhaps you are a person who felt small and helpless in situations that did not entirely involve your attachment figure. In order to survive these experiences, you may have identified with a character or superhero who was strong, powerful, and morally superior, like Superman or Wonder Woman.

Although both of these early unconscious identifications may have provided you with relief, understanding their specific impact is important in deciphering your level of narcissism. In the first scenario, you may be a person who instinctively believes you have to dominate and control the loved ones in your life to protect yourself. This may be a pathological form of narcissism.

In the second case, you may be a person who, during your childhood, recognized that you were not actually the strongest, bravest, smartest, toughest, smartest, or most beautiful person in the world and it stung. Although it hurt, the experience was humbling, grounding, and empowering, because you adjusted and decided to work hard to be the best person you could be. You may, indeed, have a fire in your belly and something to prove.

Deciphering whether a childhood narcissistic defense mechanism somehow solidified and became static and rigid, or softened and became malleable, may be helpful. Examining toxic narcissism versus relatively healthy narcissism in three ways may provide clarity.

1. Public persona versus private life

Most people recognize the importance of being perceived as a nice human being. However, a person who is known as a “great guy or gal” may be kinder to people in public than they are to their own loved ones. Essentially, because their narcissistic defenses prevent them from being authentically vulnerable and self-aware in an interpersonal relationship, they take a superior position with loved ones. Instead of understanding, they teach and lecture. In place of empathizing, they step in as the “hero” and “fix.” In lieu of resonating with a loved one’s feeling state, they shame them for expressing a feeling that is not congruent with theirs. Sadly, the unconscious defense mechanism that protected their ego in childhood may prevent them from being authentically close to others in adulthood. Their need for covert control instead of true closeness in a relationship may be a form of pathological narcissism.

A healthy form of narcissism is displayed when a person longs to be accepted and liked by the people in their surroundings but they tend to refrain from treating strangers and acquaintances better than their partner or children. Fluffing up their public image is not a top priority and often falls by the wayside when a loved one is in need. Their ego is in check and although they wish to put forth their best image, it rarely trumps their emotional attunement and dedication to loved ones.

2. Victim stance versus vulnerability

A person who seems to repeatedly claim that they have been victimized by you because you are attempting to address an issue in the relationship may be taking a victim stance. Instead of briefly looking at the issue from your perspective to gain a better understanding of the circumstance, they quickly attack you for bringing up a problem. They may say things like, “I cannot believe you are talking to me like this.” “Who do you think you are?” “Why are you so aggressive?” “I cannot do anything right with you.” “You are always complaining.” “You are always picking on me.”

The partner evades looking in the mirror and the issue you are bringing up because they immediately put themselves in the position of “victim” by instantly pointing the finger at you. Their attempt to frame you as negative, aggressive, or antagonistic for trying to talk out an issue allows them to instantaneously shift the blame.

A less narcissistic approach may occur when a person, initially, is defensive when they are confronted by a loved one, but the edge softens after a few minutes. Then, the person is able to entertain a loved one’s viewpoint and also look in the mirror. The tempering of this person’s defenses happens within minutes and the person re-engages in the discussion and is often able to examine and eventually take responsibility for a hurtful mistake or selfish moment.

3. Unaware of insecurities versus a clear awareness of insecurities

A person who is careless about how their actions and words impact others may be egocentric. They only think of themselves and what feels good in the moment in place of how these behaviors hurt their loved ones. Frequently this type of person is oblivious to their insecurities and cannot clearly and specifically articulate what they are insecure about without playing the victim and generalizing. For example, “I have trust issues, so I need to know where you are at all times.” They are unable to clearly identify a specific insecurity, but instead throw out a blanket insecurity in an attempt to gain control over another. This may be a sign of serious narcissism because the person is defending against knowing aspects of themselves that are shameful or negative. This separation from self-awareness prevents the person from actually knowing themselves and what they feel when it is uncomfortable.

If you are a person who is well aware of your insecurities, for example, you may be worried about your ability to remain organized and appear competent in some situations or you may worry about your skin or your temper. Maintaining a clear understanding of your flaws allows a person to be honest with themselves, accountable in an interpersonal relationship, and able to address these flaws in a constructive manner. Although it may feel slightly narcissistic to focus on yourself, this is a healthy type of self-directed concentration because it allows for personal growth and change.

Understanding narcissism as a type of defense mechanism may help you evaluate your level. Defense mechanisms are universal and important, however, when they become rigid and static, they may be maladaptive. A lighter level of narcissism can be normal, especially when you are validated by the world in ways that your parents failed to validate you. Thus, if you are a person who rarely values your public persona over your loved ones, nor plays the victim to escape accountability in an interpersonal relationship, and you are painfully aware of your insecurities, you may be just fine.