Source: Suzanne Tucker/Shutterstock

Many children are referred to see me to help them learn how to deal better with their anger. They may be children who become angry easily with minimal provocation, or who remain angry for a long time, or who become verbally or physically abusive because of their anger, which can lead to destruction of property or physical harm to a person or animal.

Children can be troubled by their own anger because it can be a scary emotion or because they feel badly about their inability to control their emotions.

Triggers of anger can include not getting their way, being asked to do something they find inconvenient or cumbersome, experiencing frustration with a game or school work, or feeling that someone misunderstood them. Children often become angry when they are the target of bullying by their peers or in some circumstances by the adults in their lives. Thus, anger may arise as a response to physical or emotional pain as well as feelings of powerlessness.

Infrequently, older children express anger because they have become aware of societal issues such as racism, non-acceptance of individual choice, gun violence, or climate change. A common component for most anger triggers is that a person feels they do not have any control over a situation.

Some children feel their angry reaction is justified because they have been provoked. Others feel that their anger should be tolerated as long as they did not hurt anyone. In the case of children who do not believe their anger is a problem, my discussion with them often involves helping them to become more aware of how others perceive the anger or are apt to react to it.

Most children recognize that their anger is a problem, although school-age children often express that it is only a problem because they get punished for their misbehavior. Once they calm down, older children often express remorse about becoming angry.

I explain to my patients that they have the ability to better control or cope with their emotional responses by learning how to employ four kinds of tools. These can allow them to express and work through their anger in a constructive manner or sometimes even to prevent its occurrence.

Positive Self-Talk

People help guide themselves through how they think. By thinking of a positive outcome to a situation, children are better able to work through anger. Thoughts such as, “I wish to become calmer,” “I want to handle this situation well,” or “I can keep things in perspective,” can help prevent or diffuse anger.

I coach my patients to avoid unhelpful thinking, such as, “I can’t control my anger,” “I won’t let go of my anger until someone else apologizes,” or “It’s another person’s fault that I’m angry.”

Imagery

There are many imagery techniques that can calm anger. However, these are best employed before a person becomes so angry that they are unable to think straight.

Imagining calm places such as a beach, forest, or being with helpful friends can help improve mood. I encourage my patients to imagine what they might see, hear, smell, feel, or taste in their calming place in order to help shift their mindset.

Imagery techniques that help get rid of anger can also be of use. For example, a child might imagine placing their anger into a helium balloon and letting it go. While they watch the imaginary balloon rise into the sky they can notice that their anger dissipates as the balloon becomes smaller in the distance. Alternatively, they might imagine putting their anger into a treasure chest, locking it, burying the chest, or throwing it away into a deep ocean. They can even imagine an emotions control panel, such as shown in the movie Inside Out, that can help modify their anger through manipulation of a lever or dial that controls anger.

Physical Calming

Physical calming techniques are easier to employ than imagery when anger levels are high.

Deep breathing techniques can help decrease anger through activation of the parasympathetic nervous system. One way of doing this is to “breath a box”: I coach my patients to slowly breathe in through their nose while they silently count to four, then hold that breath while they silently count to four again, then breathe out through their mouth for another count to four, and then pause for a final count to four. Inhale for four, hold for four, exhale for four, pause for four. I suggest that they repeat this breathing pattern four times, and if necessary, repeat it another four times.

Another physical way to deal with anger is for the patient to hold a fist closed tightly, and imagine loading it up with whatever makes the patient angry. Once fully loaded, the fist can be opened, allowing the anger to dissipate into the air.

Participation in an aerobic activity such as running or playing basketball can help decrease angry feelings. Participation in more aggressive sports, such as football or boxing, can be even more helpful for appropriate individuals.

Fatigue and hunger can also lead people to become more irritable. Thus, other physical approaches for anger prevention include ensuring children get enough sleep, and are provided with a well-balanced, nourishing diet.

Reframing

Finally, with more mature patients, I discuss the idea that the way they look at a situation can lead to an increase or decrease of anger. For example, a child might become angry when they are asked to switch from doing a favorite activity to completing a chore. The anger arises from the thought, “I can no longer engage in my fun activity.” Instead, the child can switch to thinking, “I want to be of help to my parent because I am a good person,” or “My parent will be happy when I complete my chore.”

Some children become angry when faced with challenging schoolwork. In this instance they can learn to recognize that difficult situations present opportunities for personal growth, proving that they should be embraced rather than disliked.

I review that it is important to identify whether a given trigger for anger can be avoided. For instance, if a parent becomes angry when a chore is left undone, the child should be coached to complete the chore before being asked. On the other hand, if the trigger cannot be avoided, the child should be coached to respond calmly. This does not mean that the child should not take action. For example, a child who is worried about the effects of global warming can be encouraged to learn and talk to people about it and even undertake projects such as fundraisers that can help raise awareness and solve the issue.

Takeaway

Unchecked anger can cause significant life disruptions. Fortunately, many children can reduce their emotional reactivity using positive self-talk, imagery, physical calming techniques, and learning how to think differently about anger-triggering situations.