Source: Pexels/Karley Saagi

“'No'” is a complete sentence. It does not require justification or explanation.” —Unknown

Consider this question for a minute: Are you leading your life, or is your life leading you? People who consider themselves easygoing, selfless, and pleasing to others tend to answer that question by saying that life leads them. They float through life, saying yes to everyone and allowing their circumstances to dictate what they should or shouldn't do. Being easygoing and agreeable is pretty socially acceptable and seems like the easier way to be in life. But what's underneath that go-with-the-flow attitude? For many people, it's a belief that their opinion isn't worth much, and if they voice it to others or stand up for themselves, they'll be shut down. One of my former clients, Becky, is a perfect example.

Becky came to see me at a time when she was suffering from frequent migraines. Her doctor told her the headaches were most likely stress-related, but she'd never considered herself stressed, as she led what she described as a pretty quiet and simple life. Becky had dreams of one-day completing dental school and getting married, but when her sister was left by her husband, Becky dedicated her life to caring for her nephews so that her sister could work to support her family. She explained that she was the type of person who always did what other people asked of her. But over time, she realized that with all the helping she was doing—especially when caring for her two young nephews—she had no time left for her personal goals of dating or completing school.

From the outside, Becky's decision to support her sister and make life easier for her certainly appears to be a pretty noble and selfless thing to do. And the truth is, it wasn't so bad for Becky; her daily life was laid out for her, and she felt comfortable. But what she did daily wasn't leading her toward what she said she wanted for her life. Whenever she considered her dream of becoming a doctor, she justified not completing school by thinking, "My sister needs me. And besides, I might not be able to pass those hard classes anyway."

After a few therapy sessions, Becky realized that whenever she said yes to something, she automatically said no to something else. She had always believed that when it came to her sister, she had no choice but to help, but she came to understand that in doing what her sister wanted from her, she was choosing to say no to her life dreams. Her headaches were a reminder that it would better serve her to weigh significant decisions carefully instead of automatically saying yes. If left uninterrupted, her pattern of going along with people's requests of her would have a lasting impact on her life and future.

Like Becky, many of us quiet our voices. And there are lots of things that lead up to this. For example, we learned as children that it's unsafe to speak up; we never learned to believe in ourselves; we think it's easier to stay silent; or we've grown accustomed to playing the caretaker role in our families. If Becky were driven by a sincere desire to be her nephews' full-time caretaker, nothing would be wrong with it. But through her work in therapy, Becky found her voice and discovered that she wanted to finish school and have a family of her own. With this awareness, she understood that continuing to take such an active role in her sister's life wouldn't allow her to live her own.

Do you constantly say yes to people and need more time for what you genuinely want to do? Do you feel like you're just going through the motions in your life? If that's the case, it's time to reclaim your voice and start living for yourself.

Things to Remember When Learning to Say No

1. Don't Bury Your Feelings. Start seeing your inclination to avoid saying no as an indication of possible relationship trouble. Don't be scared to speak up, and remember that it's often better for you—and your relationships—to say no and do what is right for you.
2. Remember That Conflict Is Inevitable. Don't judge yourself or think you're wrong if a conflict occurs in your relationships. A certain amount of conflict is normal in any relationship; instead of trying to avoid it by saying yes all the time, start learning how to face situations constructively without allowing things to escalate into destructive arguments. Until they're addressed, the same issues will keep arising.
3. Don't Be Afraid. Your experiences have taught you to be afraid of saying no, but you don't need to be fearful. Instead, find effective ways to communicate your feelings, and always keep your long-term goals in mind.
4. Don't Overestimate the Anger of Others. Your fear of saying no causes you to overestimate the anger of others when you express yourself. Some people may very well get upset, but your imagination usually exaggerates how angry they'll become. Your only responsibility is to say no to the things you don't want to do. How the other person responds is out of your control.

If you can't make clear what you want and express how you feel in your relationships, those relationships—and you—will suffer. You'll lose your inner authenticity, honesty, and sense of self, all necessary ingredients for healthy human connection. If you're caught up worrying about saying no, you won't be living the life you want. You'll begin to resent other people, feeling like your family, friends, and co-workers are a burden. Remember, saying no isn't a bad thing that must be avoided; it is necessary to have lasting relationships and a life worth living.