Shutterstock, Heiko Kueverling

Recently in my clinical practice, I’ve been noticing the relationship between religiously sourced sexual shaming in childhood and later-life sexual and romantic problems. What I often see in such cases is an almost direct relationship between shaming, negative sexual messages received in religious settings in childhood and a client’s adult-life inability to connect sexually and romantically in healthy, life-affirming ways.

Stated simply, certain types of early-life messaging can severely impact those who are subjected to it not only in the moment but over the course of their lives. Women can be heavily subjugated, children can be manipulated, and males who don’t fit the sexual/gender norm espoused by the spiritual/religious setting can be shamed, abused, and even ostracized.

Please understand that not all strongly held religious and spiritual belief systems create such problems. That said, settings with a strong focus on sexual sin and gender conformity often do. So mostly this type of issue comes from a variety of deeply conservative religious groups in which scripture or religious leaders preach narrow versions of gender and sexual expression, causing anyone with differing thoughts, desires, or behaviors to feel profound (though often unrecognized) shame.

Regarding real-world sexual choices, spiritual/religious abuse may result in one or more of the following:

• Fear of rejection/judgment based on “unacceptable” gender or sexual expression.
• Fear of intimate relationships (where secret feelings and behaviors might be uncovered).
• Repression and denial of one’s gender identity, sexual orientation, etc.
• Negative beliefs about the human body and human sexuality.
• Sexual abuse/violence that is deemed “acceptable” by religious leaders.
• Attempts at reparative therapy (gay conversion therapy), a treatment approach that has been rejected by major psychological and psychiatric organizations as ineffective, shaming, and traumatic.
• Heavy reliance on digital forms of sexuality (pornography, chat, etc.), which feel less judgmental and more anonymous (and therefore safer) than real-world sex.

Many victims of this type of spiritual/religious abuse experience depression and anxiety about their true selves. They feel deep shame about not fully conforming to expectations, and their self-esteem plummets. Sometimes they will choose to self-soothe with compulsive or addictive substance use or behaviors. They also learn to keep secrets and tell lies about their sexual and romantic desires and actions.

Sadly, lies and secrecy about romance and sexuality make it difficult to form healthy relationships. After all, the foundation of any healthy connection is mutual trust, and the keeping of secrets undermines that relational necessity. At best, trust becomes a one-way street, with one partner being honest and vulnerable and the other partner continually withholding.

Spiritual/religious abuse can also diminish a person’s sense of romantic and sexual autonomy. This is especially true with women, who, in certain religious settings, are treated as property rather than people. That said, men can also be impacted, especially if their romantic or sexual interests do not mesh with the expectations of their religious community. Gay and bisexual men in particular can struggle.

Another form of spiritual/religious abuse occurs when religious beliefs stymie access to appropriate sex education for children and teens and useful relational and sexual resources for adults. In such cases, sexual education and information may be extremely limited or, worse, shaming and limiting.

One of the more painful longer-term consequences of spiritual/religious abuse, and one that I see on a daily basis as a sex therapist, involves infidelity. Individuals whose sexual thoughts and desires have been negatively impacted by their religion sometimes find themselves in long-term relationships that lack emotional and sexual connection. These individuals may then turn to pornography, affairs, or other forms of infidelity—always keeping the behavior secret from their primary partner.

Typically, it is when infidelity is finally uncovered that people whose sex lives have been impacted by spiritual/religious abuse land in my office. Often, I am the first person they’ve ever confided in about their sexual fantasies, activities, and the deep shame they feel. It is essential for me, as a therapist, to not only help these clients deal with the immediate crisis in which they find themselves but to uncover and help process their sexual shame and the roots of that shame.

In addition to therapy, the following tactics can help spiritual/religious abuse survivors who’ve developed sexual issues:

• Connect with others who’ve suffered spiritual/religious abuse. Support groups (real-world and online), social media forums, and group therapy can help people feel validated and less alone as they heal their spiritual wounds.
• Learn about spiritual/religious abuse. Books and online resources are a goldmine of information, although not every resource is useful for every person.
• Develop a new sense of self that is based on reality rather than religious dogma. This work typically requires a combination of individual therapy and group support.
• Find an affirming spiritual community. There are commonalities among almost all religions but also important differences. This means spiritual abuse survivors can nearly always find a spiritual setting that speaks to them without abusing them.

No matter what, in my experience it is essential with spiritual/religious abuse, even as the individuals work on stopping problem-causing behaviors and repairing relational damage, to recognize and mitigate the romantic and sexual impact of the abuse itself. Until this root cause is fully addressed, sexual shame and troubling sexual behaviors will likely continue.