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Americans are experiencing epidemic levels of loneliness, as the U.S. Surgeon General recently noted. Complex relationships between social isolation, relational comfort, psychological flexibility, and inequities in relational opportunities contribute to this, as does the current trend of relying upon social media* to build and maintain relationships.

Social media can be handy for staying connected to family and friends while keeping up with fast-paced lives. When engaged with mindfully, these platforms can help us tend to our interpersonal needs. Much of our social media use, however, happens without thought or reflection, leaving us vulnerable to developing habits that we may not recognize as impactful to our relational health.

Social media use falls largely into the canon of behaviors often engaged with passivity. We have a few moments at a red light, so we scroll social media. It’s the end of the day, so we escape into those spaces to “unwind.” We’re bored in a meeting, so distract ourselves by logging in for a quick “fix.”

While we may not acknowledge any kind of emotional reactions to these passive interactions, it’s unlikely that they are completely benign. In reality, many complex emotional responses originate in our mindless exposure to the hundreds of curated faces, bodies, and experiences that social media, and their algorithms, deliver to us every day. We see a group of our acquaintances gathered without us, or notice that a friend is looking particularly fabulous, and feel left out and less than. We scroll through a stream of never-ending idealized images and staggering successes and wonder how we could manage to be so under-accomplished.

When interacting with these posts, we rarely engage the critical thinking regions of our brain to remind ourselves that what we are seeing is curated. We don’t consciously acknowledge that multiple photos were taken and compared, and, at times, filtered, before landing in our feed. We don’t actively remember that these spaces are built upon rewarding “shiny, happy” content that is strategically prepared to hold our attention. Instead, our more reactive brain compares our real, messy, and uncharted lives to the images presented in our feeds.

After speaking with people all over the globe about this topic, I’ve come to hear a common refrain. When a significant portion of our relational circles are built and maintained exclusively in the highly curated realm of social media spaces, we often find ourselves feeling lonely in our real lives, especially when we face hardship or difficulties.

If I were about to run a race and had forgotten to eat, I might find myself with a growling, empty stomach at the starting line. I could grab a water bottle and down it quickly, making my stomach feel full and stop growling. Not long after starting to run, however, I’d find that I lacked sufficient calories to energize me for the race.

This is akin to what I repeatedly hear from social media users across all age and gender demographics. Social media makes us feel as though we have a full relational quiver but, when we need relationships that can offer more intense, specific, or intimate connectedness, such as in times of difficulty or mundanity, those quivers feel, strangely, empty.

For those whose relational circles are comprised primarily of people met and/or interacted with in public social media spaces, a few intentional actions can ensure stronger relational webs and greater mental health. Here are a few places to start:

1) Develop an emotional vocabulary. Take some time to find a "feelings wheel" online and acquaint yourself with the full range of human emotions. Notice those feelings that you are comfortable with as well as those with which you are less acquainted. Become curious about the full range of your feelings and begin to identify them throughout your day. For emotions that feel difficult to work with, think of one or two behaviors that help you get through them. Deep breathing, brain dumping (writing your feelings out for three minutes without regard for grammar and flow), talking with a friend, and meditation are all good options. Commit to getting yourself through strong emotions rather than distracting yourself from them or avoiding/denying them.

2) Pause before engaging with social media. Too often, we engage with social media to distract ourselves from where we are. To bring yourself to the present moment, link the opening of your favorite social media app with a 30-second pause. When you go to open the app, put your phone down, close your eyes, and do a quick scan to see how you’re feeling. The “HALT” technique, borrowed from the 12-step movement is particularly helpful. To use it, ask yourself if you are "Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired." If so, are there actions you might take other than bingeing on social media that will actually resolve these strong feelings? Engaging with social media when we are experiencing strong emotions will likely only subvert or intensify them. Be conscious of this before logging in.

3) Pause when ending a social media scrolling session. Repeat step two above when you close your social media app. If you are ending your scroll feeling less-than, upset, or unsettled, work to identify the source of those feelings. Take these insights seriously and consider muting or unfollowing accounts that spark strong, difficult feelings that are counter to your growth or development.

4) Take action to develop “soft,” social communication skills. Our technology makes it easy for us to forego real-life interactions. Work to consistently interact with people in embodied ways every day. This can include purchasing coffee in person rather than ordering and paying online or talking with someone you are in line with. It might also include joining a support or hobbyist group or making a phone call for every six texts you send. Every bit of practice helps us feel relationally proficient and ready to take reasonable relational risks in order to deepen our interpersonal webs.

5) Find ways of being with people (safely and within reason). Spaces that offer us an opportunity to interact with others are powerful places of practice. Community centers (Senior centers, Q centers, and others), libraries, places of worship, affinity groups (crafting, gardening, vintage cars, etc.), and volunteer work put us in the way of like-minded others with whom we can interact. Commit to practicing being in these spaces, even when it’s difficult and feels ineffective. If and as you can, offer to contribute to the space by volunteering. The act of showing up will pay off over time.