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I have noticed a curious phenomenon that often creates confusion in relationships. Sometimes, when people are successful in getting something they want or need from another, they feel conflicted, perhaps guilty, and they attempt to relieve the other person of whatever it is they agreed to give. Let me illustrate with the following examples:

Phil was preparing to travel to see his two children who lived with their mother, his ex-wife, in another city. He wished to have his new wife, Kim, join him on this particular trip because of anticipated difficulties and the need for her company and support. Kim was reluctant to go. Phil continued to convince Kim to accompany him, and, after much effort on his part, she agreed. As soon as she said yes, Phil told her that while he appreciated her willingness to come with him, it “really was not necessary,” he “didn’t mind” going alone, and even became adamant about her not going with him regardless of her willingness to make the trip.

For years, Diane has been after Roy to be more helpful with the care of their three children and with household chores. She frequently complained about Roy’s coming home after work and behaving more like a guest than a husband and father. Finally, after much work on this issue, Roy began to do more around the house and with the kids which had a curious effect on Diane. “Oh, honey, you can leave those dishes in the sink. I’ll take care of them,” she’d say. “You worked hard today, I’ll give the kids their baths. It’s OK.” Understandably, as he expressed it later, Roy was in a quandary. Which message did he listen to? What was the best thing for him to do? Should he let Diane “help” him not to help her…after all these years of pressing him to get more involved?

It appears that some people want to know that an important other person is ready, willing, and able to help, and this is perhaps more important than actually getting the help itself. Phil really did want Kim with him on his trip to see his kids, but felt guilty after she agreed, worrying that he had been overbearing, heavy-handed, and unfair to Kim, none of which he believed or felt about himself when she was initially reluctant to join him. It was as though getting her agreement to go was more important to him than her actually going with him.

Similarly, Diane’s long-standing feeling of being unsupported at home by Roy was more about wanting him to be willing to help than it was about the actual help he might provide. Diane felt sorry for “poor Roy” as she watched him perform childcare and household chores and was happy to relieve him of the “burden” she felt she had imposed on him.

These two vignettes illustrate an interesting, yet hard-to-recognize phenomenon; namely, that requests or demands for help or support from those we depend on may have more to do with needing to feel loved and cared for by them. Simply knowing that an important someone is willing and ready to help may be far more important to us than the benefits of the actual help.