As more details of what has and is continuing to happen in Israel are revealed, you may still find it difficult to know what to say to comfort those impacted—but find those words you must. This is a time in our collective history where expressions of compassion are essential, where putting love into the world is the only answer. Here’s how…

Why We Do What We Do

Given our varied life experiences, not everyone has enough awareness or the ability to sit in the discomfort of difficult and dark emotions. Fear and despair are intolerable. So, for these people, when these feelings are present, they tend to respond to intense situations by intellectualizing their communication. This is when opinions, explanations, and defenses are forthcoming. It’s often when both-sides-isms or false balances slide into the conversation.

Suffice it to say, speaking from your head when those around you are coping with intensity of feeling—deep emotional pain—is the least helpful stance to take.

Imagine my husband and me taking a walk. If I were to stumble, spraining my ankle, and his first response to me was, “Next time, be more careful and maybe wear better sneakers,” you can expect me to be at the very least ticked, if not downright reactive to his ill-timed advice.

What we expect in moments of pain and suffering is empathy, compassion, kindness, and care. You may feel more comfortable giving advice or offering your perspective…but read the room. Being empathetic isn’t all about you.

Having empathy means putting yourself in other people’s shoes, imagining what they want to hear from you and which acts of kindness might be well-received. If you simply must use your intellect, it ought to be to think before you speak. Ask yourself if what you’re about to say is true, helpful, inspiring, necessary, and kind.

I truly get that it isn’t always easy to support others when you’re afraid you might make a mistake and, in turn, hurt someone’s feelings no matter what you say. This week, I’ve struggled to find the words to console my friends and clients. However, any discomfort you may feel doesn’t let you off the hook for saying or doing something to express your humanity.

Here are some kind comments you might find helpful if this is an area in which you struggle.

Try saying:

• I care about you, and it hurts to see you in pain. If you want company, I’d like to sit with you.
• I want you to know I’m thinking of you, so if you need a distraction, we can hold to our meeting or I can bring you coffee and we can take a walk.
• This must be overwhelming for you. I understand if you don’t want to talk right now. If it’s OK with you, I’d just like to keep checking in.
• I can’t find the words right now, but I’m here to listen.
• I’m feeling helpless to make you feel better. If there was one thing I could do for you, what would it be?

If I had to offer you a formula in an effort to help you internalize how to respond from the heart, it would be to start by labeling an emotion (yours or theirs) and then to offer a selfless gesture.

Resources

In good times and bad, I turn to books for guidance. On the topic of empathic communication, also known as trauma-sensitive communication, I recommend Let's Talk About Hard Things: The Life-Changing Conversations That Connect Us by Anna Sale. In this book of nonfiction, Sale highlights how to have conversations in real time, with the people we love, when our emotions are tangled and raw. In her years of hosting the popular WNYC podcast Death, Sex, & Money, she learned that the chief skill in any hard conversation is how you listen.

Which brings us to The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships by Michael P. Nichols and Martha B. Straus.

The strengths of this self-help gem is that it shares real-life stories of people getting it right and making recognizable missteps. It’s also filled with practical tips and useable scripts to communicate with those we care about with empathy.

Finally, if reading to leverage your intellect in order to cope is what you’re after, then High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out by Amanda Ripley is an excellent choice.

High conflict isn’t the same as healthy conflict. Ripley’s book explores the forces that incite people to lose it in ideological disputes, their political views, or vendettas. It’s also about what’s at play for us when we lie awake at night perseverating over a disagreement we’ve had with someone we know.

In Closing

To be triggered and flooded with emotions amidst news of unconscionable acts is our body’s way of trying to warn us to put safety above all else, even if we’re not personally in danger. Our brain’s fight, flight, freeze mechanism is protective and strong, and it’s triggered automatically. And we feel its effects coursing through our veins for extended periods of time due to stress. In the days and weeks to follow, be kind to yourself and others. Wish for peace.