Relationships require care and attention if they are to remain healthy. This is true regarding relationships between individuals, and those between an individual and a group (for example, within a family or a team).

Invariably, some of this attention will involve repairing fractures in the relationship that arise when we have erred. One aspect of relationship repair is apologizing for mistakes, hurtful words, and painful behavior.

Apologies play an important function in relationship repair because they serve as a first step in rebuilding a bridge that has been burned. They express a wish to heal a wound that has been inflicted.

An effective apology goes a long way to achieving these ends. A poorly crafted apology creates a wider chasm of hurt and mistrust.

Knowing how to effectively apologize is important, and knowing what not to say is just as important as knowing what to include in an apology.

A recent example of the way not to make an apology was provided by Representative Lauren Boebert from Colorado. What was the error for which she needed to seek forgiveness? Bad public behavior. Specifically, for having decided at a showing of Beetlejuice to engage in foreplay with her date, vaping, singing loudly, and ignoring repeated requests by other patrons and employees to forego all of the above until the show concluded.

When later called to task about her behavior she minimized the concern by writing on social media “It’s true, I did thoroughly enjoy the Amazing Beetlejuice at the Buell Theatre and I plead guilty to laughing and singing too loud!”

Her initial reaction was to deny and minimize her misbehavior. As an apology, this is not an encouraging start.

Shortly thereafter, realizing that this first response was insufficient, she went further and wrote “There’s no perfect blueprint for going through a public and difficult divorce, which over the past few months has made for a challenging personal time for me and my entire family.” She added, “I’ve tried to handle it with strength and grace as best I can, but I simply fell short of my values on Sunday. That’s unacceptable and I’m sorry.”

Much better. She begins this version of her apology with what could be seen as an excuse (having recently been divorced) but quickly moves on to declare that she fell short of what is required of her, and for that she is sorry.

Lessons Learned

Ms. Boebert is not alone in finding it difficult to apologize. Doing so requires humility, and invariably includes a sense of vulnerability. Even so, the components of an effective apology are simple. It requires only two elements.

The first of these is taking responsibility for your actions. You do not need to claim that everything that resulted in another person being wounded was your fault. But whatever part you did play needs to be owned. No excuses.

The second element involves expressing regret for the distress your actions have caused. Not regret for the trouble it has landed you in, or regret for the change it has created in your relationship. The focus of regret is on the pain you have inflicted on others.

An example will help illustrate this. If a husband has cheated on his wife, been found out, confronted, and wishes to try and repair the relationship it will require (as a first step) that he acknowledge what he did was wrong.

He cannot hide behind excuses for his behavior. “Honey, I’m sorry I cheated but you’ve got to understand that you’ve been really distant for a long time, and this other woman was warm, engaging, supportive, and gave me what I really wanted all along from you. I feel awful that now we have this distance between us. You seem so cold.”

All of that may be true, and it may be that if his wife decides to try and salvage the marriage, this information becomes important in the future. But as part of an apology it falls short. The husband has constructed a smoke screen behind which he attempts to justify his selfish behavior.

This type of apology fails the test of taking ownership of one’s actions. It also expresses his regret that he no longer enjoys a sense of intimacy with his wife but fails to express any concern for how it has impacted her.

Compare that apology with the same situation in which the husband goes to his wife and says: “Honey, I’m sorry I cheated on you. There are no excuses. You’re the most important person in the world to me, but despite that, I stupidly betrayed your trust and hurt you deeply. It’s gut-wrenching to see the pain I’ve caused you, and although I’ve no right to expect it I do hope that in time you’ll forgive me.”

In this example, the husband takes full responsibility for his actions and expresses remorse for the distress his actions have caused. It may not be sufficient to save the marriage, but it is a step in the right direction.

Application

These principles apply to apologies given for transgressions large and small, apologies offered to individuals or groups, and apologies offered in public or private settings. The path of apologies Lauren Boebert chose to follow shows how failing to adhere to these simple principles worsens the situation by promoting even less trust and raising lingering questions about one’s character (taking ownership for your actions is one important reflection of character).

The next time you need to apologize, keep these principles in mind. Take a deep breath, then take the plunge. Although it is the more difficult path to follow at that time, it is your best chance of reclaiming what has been lost, including your sense of dignity.