I’m still surprised, after all these years, that I’ve never caught on fire. Based on the number of times we were taught to “Stop, Drop, and Roll” in elementary school, I expected to need that advice frequently in my lifetime. And, yet, here I am at 54 without ever having burst into flames, at least not literally.

We learn CPR and how to operate defibrillators, so we know how to intervene in a stranger’s heart attack or arrhythmia. We are taught the Heimlich Maneuver and how to use Epi-Pens, in case we or someone else chokes or has an allergic reaction. We know to report an unattended bag at the airport and are instructed, “If you see something, say something.”

It's clear that wise people know we should all have general knowledge of what to do when flames engulf, hearts fail, bees sting, or there might be a bomb. And, yet, most of these things never happen to or around us in our lives.

I’ve noticed, however, that we do not generally prepare for the much more common—even inevitable—mental traumas, tragedies, and other massive things that happen in all our lives. The Massive Thing, which I call “TMT,” can be the death of a loved one, a difficult diagnosis, a broken relationship, or any type of emotional pain or trauma. It doesn’t so much matter what your TMT is, because it’s what happens next that determines whether you’re wrecked by TMT or whether you can find hope and a path back to wholeness again. As famed physician and author Gabor Maté has said, “Trauma is not what happens to you, it’s what happens inside you.”

Brain science has made stunning discoveries in the past 20 years around how our brains handle trauma, and our evolving understanding of neuroplasticity and neurogenesis has made it clear that learning healthier ways to think about the things that happen in our lives leads to increased resilience against future traumas and enhanced recovery when TMT does happen.

Neurogenesis and Neuroplasticity

In recent years, it has been conclusively proven that some areas of the brain (for example, the subgranular zone of the hippocampus and the subventricular zone of the lateral ventricles) have the capacity to form new neurons—neurogenesis—and that those new neurons can migrate and make functional changes on the pre-existing neural architecture in healthy, damaged, or diseased parts of the brain.⁴ Neuroplasticity is the brain’s ability to form new synaptic connections between neurons or even entire brain regions in response to injury, learning, experiences, or thought patterns. This phenomenon is the basis for the so-called Hebb’s Rule: Neurons that fire together wire together.

But neurogenesis and neuroplasticity are both a blessing and a curse, because unless they are actively managed, our default is to wire those new neurons and synapses into exactly the same thought patterns, neurotransmitter responses, and neurobiological realities that we’ve always had.

Recent insights into neuroplasticity have taught us that thoughts become things: TMT happens, we react in programmed ways based on how we’ve thought of our lives and how we’ve reacted in prior times of trouble. Our “standard” anxiety, depression, numbing, or coping behaviors seem unchangeable because, “That’s just how I am,” which can lead us into the worst trouble of all: hopelessness.

But there is a better way.

We need a treatment plan, something we learn and rehearse so that it comes to mind as easily as “Stop, Drop, and Roll” pops into our heads (hopefully) when we catch on fire.

"Self-Brain Surgery"

The treatment plan is what I call Self-Brain Surgery. It’s learning to harness the power of neuroplasticity to take advantage of our brain’s abilities to rewire themselves in response to TMT when it happens. It’s being aware that TMT is coming—it comes for everyone—and that it will hurt. But it’s also being aware that we’ve all survived hard things before, and that we’ve seen others who experienced TMT and managed to find hope and even happiness again, and thus it is possible for us to find it again, too. It’s knowing that our limbic systems are predisposed to make us think we should be afraid that all is lost, and we should run for our lives, but that most of the time those automatic thoughts are simply not true. And in knowing that, we learn to get our frontal lobes involved to take control of the situation and remind us that as long as we’re breathing, there is yet hope of things feeling better again.

Here's how it works:

• First, acknowledge that hard things—The Massive Things—will occur in your life, so that you’re not completely surprised by them when they appear.
• Second, just as I do in the operating room when I need to identify whether brain tissue is harmful to my patient, learn to “biopsy” or examine your thoughts/feelings and think about your thinking before you react or give in to it. This will put you in control of determining whether the way you’ve always responded to a particular thought, feeling, or experience is harmful or helpful to you, so you have agency in choosing what happens next.
• Third, think about the harmful or negative thought patterns you’ve had before, and make a self-brain surgery decision to transplant a healthier response. This allows some space between the stimulus—whether it’s TMT or just a lousy attitude when something irritating happens—and your response.
• Finally, practice the process (biopsy the thought, examine it, choose between the prior programmed response and a new one you’d like to “wire in” to your brain, and transplant the new, more helpful thought/response pattern) over and over. Because of the miracle of neurogenesis and your active direction of neuroplasticity, you will see Hebb’s Rule in action—you’ll fire and wire those neurons into healthier synapses—and you’ll find yourself becoming healthier, feeling better, and being happier over time.

The most important thing to know is this: When TMT comes, your brain will make new synapses and realities out of it, and they will proceed down the same old pathways you’ve created from all the prior traumas, tragedies, and hardships you’ve encountered before, unless you take control of the process.

Having a treatment plan in place helps you be in charge of the rewiring of your brain after TMT, instead of being a victim of what happens to you. Doesn’t that sound better?