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Many of us expect our children to be miniature adults. We don't remember what it is like to be a child whose emotions can quickly sweep them away, and we interpret their behaviors from an adult mindset. Therefore, when our child has a full-blown meltdown over their sandwich being sliced the wrong way, it is difficult for us adults to be empathetic. We say, "Eat your sandwich; other kids have nothing to eat." Or "It ends up in your belly anyway; just eat it." We try to rationalize with a little human having an intense emotional experience, which usually does not help the situation.

A child is not a miniature adult because a child's brain is not fully developed; in fact, a brain is finished growing and maturing in your mid-to-late 20s! The prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for making good decisions, helping to regulate emotions, planning, thinking clearly, and prioritizing, is the last part of the brain to mature. This is important to remember because your child is not a mini adult operating with a fully developed brain. Your child is functioning with the brain of a child who hasn't fully matured yet to think and regulate like an adult.

We have no issue understanding that it is developmentally appropriate and customary for a 6-month-old not to walk. However, we need more patience and fewer expectations regarding emotional regulation skills. I get it; I have two young kids and have dealt with my share of meltdowns. We want so badly to get them to stop their tantrums that we often respond in not-so-helpful ways. We also have an issue with the "bad" behaviors accompanying a temper and can conclude that punishment is the best option. Here, I will describe the best ways to manage your child's tantrums and meltdowns.

Tantrums Are Developmentally Appropriate

First, it is good to remember that your child's brain is not fully developed and cannot just "calm down." If you have seen a child stop having a tantrum after being punished harshly, they most likely shut down instead of learning how to regulate themselves properly. Another thing to remember is that your child isn't a bad kid or spoiled because they have tantrums or meltdowns. Having tantrums, outbursts, breakdowns, and tempers is developmentally appropriate. They do not have the executive functioning to handle life similarly to adults; this skill is learned as the brain develops over time as they mature and are taught how to regulate appropriately. The part of the brain growing in young children is the limbic system, the brain's emotional center. Young children experience the world and react to everyday situations through this emotional lens. However, if you notice your child's tantrums getting worse or not being consistent with other children their age, it could be time to speak with a professional about it.

Tantrums Communicate That Your Child Is Emotionally Overwhelmed

Every behavior is communication, especially a tantrum. Children are communicating amid their meltdown. They are feeling flooded by emotions and need assistance from a calm adult. When a tantrum happens, consider what skill you are trying to teach your child during that crucial moment. You most likely don't want to show that yelling is valuable communication or that not validating someone's experience is helpful. I am sure you want to help teach your child how to regulate emotions and communicate. The adults around them and their parents are their models of handling stress, so they look to us for what to do when they can't control themselves. And it is vital to ask yourself, "What do I want to teach my child to do when stressed?"

Manage Your Emotional Reactivity

Maybe you weren't taught how to properly self-regulate as a child, and now you have difficulty managing your emotions when your child is upset. Managing through a tantrum is difficult, especially if you are already stressed with work, household duties, and life. And tantrums never seem to come at a good time; they usually occur when everyone in the house feels overwhelmed and stressed. So, instead of focusing on your child and calming them down, work on managing the reactivity and emotions that the tantrum creates for you.

Create the calm within yourself, and regulate. This means developing the skills to remain calm, like taking deep breaths and reminding yourself this is developmentally appropriate and not simply bad behavior. For example, they might be tired, hungry, sick, adjusting to a transition, or upset about something that happened earlier. Your ability to stay calm physiologically creates calmness in the child, which we call co-regulation. If you have trouble regulating yourself, search online for techniques and tips or seek help from a professional. If we can't calm ourselves down, we cannot expect that our kids will know how to self-regulate.

Validate Your Child's Feelings

During a meltdown, it is an opportunity to help your child identify and name their emotions, which will help them regulate. Stating, "I know you are upset because I cut your sandwich the wrong way," or "I know you are disappointed because you can't get a toy today," helps them identify and label their emotions and lets them know you understand their emotional state. We don't have to agree that they should be upset that the sandwich wasn't cut the way they wanted, and it doesn't mean we give in because they are disappointed. Actually, we shouldn't give in once we say no to something because that can reinforce future tantrums. We are simply stating the facts of their experience and being by their side while they learn how to manage the complex emotions that come up for them.

Remain Connected

Practicing all the tips listed above are examples of staying in a relationship with your child, even during hard times. Letting your child know that you love them even when they are emotional removes the shame around difficult emotions. They can then co-regulate with you and learn what to do when overwhelmed. Some kids might want you to hold them, others want to be alone, and others might kick and scream. Let them know you are there for them when they are ready without judgment. Also, make sure they are safe and out of harm's way.

If we self-regulate, we can better assist our children and meet their needs. If we remain connected to our child without losing our cool, it allows for a teaching moment in challenging times. We remind them they are human, and emotions are part of being alive; we can allow emotions to be messengers without letting them run the show. Once you and your child are emotionally regulated, it is time to discuss what happened and the consequences if they fit the situation. You can talk about what they can do next time they feel upset and angry, like deep breathing and other self-soothing techniques. You can also ask them if they have suggestions for what they can do the next time they feel overwhelmed by emotions.