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In counseling children and adolescents who are learning to regulate their emotions, I explain that how they think affects how they feel.

This observation was already made over 2,500 years ago. The Buddha is quoted as saying, “What you think you become,” and “We are what we think.”

The basis of psychotherapy involves teaching people how to think differently so that they can feel and function better.

After teaching children to use some basic techniques to regulate their emotions, such as the use of slow, deep breathing, exercise, and self-calming through hypnosis, there is a greater sense of internal control. Thereafter, we discuss the power they can manifest in their minds by changing their thought patterns.

I believe that changing our thinking patterns helps engage different parts of the brain. For instance, we may find ourselves habitually thinking in a particular way that predictably makes us feel poorly, e.g., angry, anxious, or sad. When we shift our thinking, we can more easily create new, healthier thought patterns.

Here are some examples of changing thinking patterns from my counseling practice:

Irritability

People can become angry when they feel that they have been treated poorly or have not gotten their way. The anger occurs because the person focuses on the perceived injustice. However, when the person learns to think about the situation in a different light the anger can dissipate quickly.

For instance, 14-year-old “Sarah” became angry with her parents for restricting her use of social media. We discussed why her parents did so, and Sarah recognized that they were attempting to protect her from some of the ill effects of overusing social media, such as becoming distracted through over-involvement with “friend drama.”

This also led her to lose sleep as she was continually interacting with her peers late into the night. Sarah acknowledged that her lack of sleep had become a significant factor in her development of anxiety.

We discussed how the situation with her parents might change for the better. First, Sarah let go of her anger. She switched from thinking about her frustration with her parents’ imposed restrictions and instead focused her thoughts on how to solve the dilemma regarding her overuse of social media. She was able to recognize that her parents were her valuable allies rather than her opponents.

We talked about how Sarah can better self-regulate her social media use and then encouraged her parents to allow Sarah to become more responsible for her behavior. We hoped these interactions would help prevent future similar acrimony within the family.

Even 6-year-olds can learn to change their thinking pattern to deal with their anger. “Mikey” became recurrently angry with his best friend for playing with Mikey’s toys. We talked about how Mikey likes his toys and does not want them to break. He expressed that he became angry because he was worried that his best friend would not be careful with the toys, as had occurred in the past with a different friend.

I asked Mikey how he might have thought differently about the situation. He realized that his best friend was always careful with toys. Also, I suggested to him that he might feel good by recognizing his best friend’s happiness when he got to play with Mikey’s toys.

Thus, rather than thinking about the possibility that his toys might be broken, Mikey learned to focus on the idea that his best friend would keep them safe, and think about his friend’s happiness. Mikey said he felt better after our discussion.

Often, I offer to reward young children with a small prize, such as a Pokémon card, each time they resolve their anger by thinking differently Many kids learn quickly how to use this cognitive behavioral technique regularly and effectively. Their parents and teachers often report great improvement in their ability to control their emotions.

Anxiety

When Sarah developed anxiety, she became very concerned about doing well in school, so that she could get into a good college. She became so anxious about tests that she started worrying about them several days beforehand. Sarah is also worried about being thought of poorly by her friends. As a result, she started avoiding some social gatherings for fear that people might make fun of her.

We discussed that Sarah’s anxiety developed in part because of how she was thinking. I explained that her anxiety developed when she worried about future events.

I reminded her of the quote by ancient philosopher Lao Tzu: “If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the moment.”

Sarah had become anxious by worrying about things that had not yet occurred and may never occur, such as underperforming on tests, the college admissions process, and how her friends might react. Instead, I suggested that she think about how she can study well in the present to prepare for her tests and recognize that she can trust herself to do well in high school, so that admission to a good college will be quite likely.

Regarding her friends, I pointed out that Sarah has many strengths that she can feel good about. Any peer who nonetheless disrespects her is not worthy of being her friend, and thus should not be taken seriously. As Dr. Seuss purportedly said, “Those who matter, don’t mind. Those who mind, don’t matter.”

Through restructuring her thinking pattern Sarah was able to greatly improve her anxiety, and become actively involved in deciding how she might structure her life in a better way.

Sadness

The death of a beloved family member or pet virtually always leads to great sadness because of the loss. The subsequent grief process differs in nature and length among different individuals. However, even within this process, how we think can make a big difference in how we feel and function.

When 12-year-old “Charlie” lost his mother to cancer (after the previous death of his father), he became understandably despondent. He expressed anger that she did not remain alive to take care of him.

He expressed sadness that he felt very lonely. Talking about his feelings with a counselor for a few months did not help him feel any better.

I suggested that using hypnosis, Charlie could imagine talking with his mother’s spirit. After doing so, Charlie reported that the interaction struck him as if he was talking with his mother. Without my prompting, he said that after he imagined her telling him that she loved him, he had decided to forgive his mother.

Within two weeks of learning to think differently about his losses, Charlie was able to start imagining a future without his parents, with the aid of loving members of his extended family. He was able to express gratitude for their support and began playing again with some of his friends.

Takeaway

Frequently, people explain to themselves and others that their poor mood is related to unfortunate circumstances. While holding such a belief, people sometimes take solace in the idea that since they cannot change their circumstances, there should be no expectation that they take charge of improving their feelings.

However, as demonstrated in this post, our emotional response to unfortunate circumstances can be brought under our control and improved through a change in our thinking patterns. Sometimes, that change can even help us figure out new ways to act that also will improve our situation.

Paraphrasing holocaust survivor and psychiatrist Victor Frankl, “We have absolutely no control over what happens to us in life, but we have paramount control over how we respond to those events.”