In February of 1901, John D. Rockefeller, Jr. met with his father's rival and occasional nemesis, the haughty, often brusque J.P. Morgan, to negotiate a controversial business deal. Otherwise, quiet and unassuming, John Jr., suddenly and uncharacteristically, donned the mantle of master negotiator. Very likely, Jr. felt pressured to rise to the level of his wealthy father's legendary business acumen. Surprisingly, it worked! He succeeded in gaining advantage over the older, more seasoned Morgan.

On triumphantly reporting his success to his astonished parents, John Jr.'s mother gushed with exuberant, uncontainable pride, ''Control of self wins the battle, for it means control of others!''

Mistaken Control

Notwithstanding Mrs. Rockefeller's keen insight, throughout my experience treating couples, I often find, upon deeper inquiry, that clients accused of being ‘‘controlling‘‘ are not primarily, or willfully motivated to control their partners but rather they are simply trying to meet their own needs. However, when managed poorly, the active pursuit of personal needs can easily resemble control or be perceived as such, which then can inflame the aggrieved partner‘s reeling, defensive rebuttal.

For example, at her wits end after a grueling day of caring for her two rambunctious young children, Jasmine exploded, disgorging her exasperation at her husband, Marc, and she did so in a clearly scathing, accusatory tone, "You never help with the kids, I have to do everything..." Jasmine‘s stentorian voice allied with her choice of terms, "never" and "everything" provoked Marc‘s, defensive counterpunch in a nanosecond, "I do more than you ever know or credit me for..." Sadly, their blistering encounter merely layered a new and crippling problem atop their original one, worsening Jasmine’s biting narrative of Mark as a "non-understanding, non-contributing partner," and Marc’s countering complaint of Jasmine as a "controlling, nagging, ingrate."

As per Mrs. Rockefeller’s insight, both Jasmine and Marc had lost control over themselves and consequentially each other, as they spiraled downward into a non-productive, argumentative abyss. Ironically, Jasmine's need for help, especially after a hectic day, was a perfectly valid need and Mark’s desire for Jasmine to make a respectful request for his help and an acknowledgement of what he has done to provide support, are likewise valid needs. Regrettably, each was blinded to the legitimacy of the other’s need because each one felt compelled to cope with their partner's overheated attacking and counterattacking poor need management, as opposed to attending to the validity of their respective needs. Surely, partners who hurl critical judgments at one another—poor need management—more often than not, arouse defenses instead of mutual, respectful understanding and constructive problem-solving.

Unintended Benevolent Control

On the other hand, when one partner effectively manages their needs and feelings, a benevolent but unintended control often gets exerted over their partner, like a virulent but positive contagion, one that potentially brings a beneficial influence to bear upon their partner and gently but strongly nudges them to engage in similar good personal need management. This positive, potentially norm-setting influence, is often very subtle and unspoken but nonetheless powerful.

For example, imagine exhausted, depleted Jasmine admirably summoning any remaining emotional strength at the end of her marathon day and approaching Marc in an entirely different manner. This time, she asks for a moment of Marc’s time in a way that demonstrates respect for Marc’s immediate agenda and ensures him a yes or no option to her request. Should Marc’s response be "no," she accepts his no and kindly asks about a time that may work better for him. Conversely, should Marc's answer be "yes," Jasmine ought to hop on the occasion to graciously thank him and express her gratitude in generous terms and, most importantly, what it means to her emotionally to get Marc’s time and understanding. After successfully navigating this initial, vital step of investing respect in Marc, Jasmine has effectively laid the groundwork for a reciprocated measure of Marc’s respect in the form of his understanding for what Jasmine is about reveal to him.

At this point, Jasmine could effectively manage her needs by making a detailed reference to the last time Marc helped with the care of their children and how much his help had meant to her. When done in this manner, Marc has little or no need to deploy his defenses as, in effect, he is being complimented instead of being criticized. Moreover, note that Jasmine’s effective need management has met Marc’s needs for both respect and acknowledgement while simultaneously gently bumping up the probability of Marc doing the same, that is, speaking from his deeper feelings, specifically because Jasmine has vulnerably yet effectively opened a feeling atmosphere of self-and-partner disclosure by quality of her need management.

Now, in turn, the same formula for effective personal need management applies to Marc.

Difficult But Rewarding Language

Without doubt, the non-conventional, self-exposing language of effective personal need management comes with little economy of time and/or energy—and for good reason. The lofty, fulfilling rewards of personal and partner respect that almost immediately flow from instances of good need management, including improved relationship health, cannot be expected to come with little effort. My clinical experience has informed me that couple clients who strive to manage their needs well, positively influence each other, and among other benefits, enhance their mutual affection.

How does your partner influence you?