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    Merry Christmas! We're spreading cheer by offering 30% off* all commrz website builder plans from now until December 31st. We hope this festive offer helps you launch your website projects in the new year. Wish you and your loved ones a Merry Christmas! Offer valid from 24.12.23 to 31.12.23. Terms & Conditions Applied*. Website: www.commrz.com Choose commrz for: ✅ Competitive Price ✅ 24/7 Customer Support ✅ Enterpise Grade Technology ✅ 100% Data Security ✅ Professional Website Templates ✅ Lots of Apps for Productivity Terms & Conditions: https://bit.ly/3QOecwF Contact us for more details on: 098216 58272 Follow us on: Facebook: https://bit.ly/3GcSRHn Instagram: https://bit.ly/47pa3oy LinkedIn: https://bit.ly/3FQMtW3 YouTube: https://bit.ly/477W9Y1 WhatsApp: https://bit.ly/3MyGetF Threads: https://bit.ly/3MClIbI . . . #Christmas #christmascheer #merrychristmas #offer #Cashback #ecommerce #websitebuilder #createwebsitein5min #digitalmarketing #Onlinestore #biggestoffer #commrz #cashback #ecommerce #portfolio #websitebuilder #websitedevelopment #SME #websitedesign #DigitalInfrastructure #digitalmarketing2023 #FreeWebsites #freetemplates
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  • Advance Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all. On the occasion of Christmas and New Year we are offering a special offer at our massage center. We are bringing this offer to benefit everyone.
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    Advance Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all. On the occasion of Christmas and New Year we are offering a special offer at our massage center. We are bringing this offer to benefit everyone. #mumbaib2b #bobytobodymassage #mumbaizozospa #massageinmumbai #massagecenterinmumbai #mumbaimassage #happyending #spatime #mumbaichristmas #christmasmumbai
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  • Cultures around the world...

    European cultures.

    "The wave of the future is not the conquest of the world by a single dogmatic creed but the liberation of the diverse energies of free nations and free men"

    Europe is a continent known for its diverse cultures, rich history, and significant contributions to art, literature, philosophy, and science. Here are some examples of European cultures:

    Western European Cultures:

    British Culture: British culture encompasses England, Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland. It is known for its literature (Shakespeare, Jane Austen), iconic landmarks (like Big Ben and Stonehenge), music (The Beatles, classical composers), sports (football, cricket), afternoon tea, and cultural events like the Notting Hill Carnival and Edinburgh Festival.

    "Culture is the widening of the mind and of the spirit."

    French Culture: French culture is renowned for its contributions to art, fashion (Paris is a fashion capital), cuisine (French cuisine is celebrated worldwide), wine production, literature (authors like Victor Hugo and Marcel Proust), film industry (Cannes Film Festival), and landmarks like the Eiffel Tower and Louvre Museum.

    "Culture is a way of coping with the world by defining it in detail"

    German Culture: German culture is known for its contributions to classical music (Beethoven, Bach), philosophy (Kant, Nietzsche), literature (Goethe, Kafka), engineering and technology, Oktoberfest (world's largest beer festival), Christmas markets, and the historic landmarks of Berlin.

    Eastern European Cultures:

    Russian Culture: Russian culture is renowned for its literature (Tolstoy, Dostoevsky), ballet (Bolshoi Theatre), classical music (Tchaikovsky, Rachmaninoff), iconic landmarks (Red Square, Saint Basil's Cathedral), traditional cuisine (borscht, caviar), and rich folklore traditions.

    "To merely observe your culture without contributing to it seems very close to existing as a ghost"

    Polish Culture: Polish culture is characterized by its history, traditions, and arts. It includes classical music (Chopin), literature (Wislawa Szymborska), Polish cuisine (pierogi, kielbasa), traditional festivals (such as St. John's Eve and Christmas traditions), and medieval architecture (like Krakow's Old Town and Wawel Castle).

    "That is true culture which helps us to work for the social betterment of all"

    Hungarian Culture: Hungarian culture is known for its unique language, folk traditions (including music and dance), thermal baths (like the Széchenyi Baths in Budapest), delicious cuisine (goulash, chimney cake), rich history, and impressive architecture (such as the Hungarian Parliament Building).

    Southern European Cultures:

    Italian Culture: Italian culture is famous for its art (Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci), architecture (Colosseum, Florence Cathedral), fashion (Milan is a fashion hub), cuisine (pizza, pasta, gelato), opera (La Scala), vibrant festivals (like Carnival in Venice), and love for football (soccer).

    "Without culture, and the relative freedom it implies, society, even when perfect, is but a jungle. This is why any authentic creation is a gift to the future"

    Spanish Culture: Spanish culture is characterized by its flamenco music and dance, bullfighting, siesta tradition, vibrant festivals (such as La Tomatina and Running of the Bulls), Moorish-influenced architecture (like Alhambra), delicious cuisine (paella, tapas), and world-renowned artists (such as Picasso and Gaudí).

    "In an immature society culture is an import; for a mature one it is a native manufacture which eventually becomes an export"

    Greek Culture: Greek culture has a rich ancient history, known for its contributions to philosophy (Socrates, Aristotle), mythology (Greek gods and goddesses), ancient architecture (Parthenon, Acropolis), literature (Homer's Iliad and Odyssey), traditional music (rebetiko), and delicious Mediterranean cuisine.

    "It is not part of a true culture to tame tigers, any more than it is to make sheep ferocious"

    These descriptions provide a glimpse into the diverse cultures found across Europe. It's important to note that each country and region within Europe has its own unique cultural practices, traditions, languages, and historical influences, contributing to the rich tapestry of European cultures.
    Cultures around the world... European cultures. "The wave of the future is not the conquest of the world by a single dogmatic creed but the liberation of the diverse energies of free nations and free men" Europe is a continent known for its diverse cultures, rich history, and significant contributions to art, literature, philosophy, and science. Here are some examples of European cultures: Western European Cultures: British Culture: British culture encompasses England, Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland. It is known for its literature (Shakespeare, Jane Austen), iconic landmarks (like Big Ben and Stonehenge), music (The Beatles, classical composers), sports (football, cricket), afternoon tea, and cultural events like the Notting Hill Carnival and Edinburgh Festival. "Culture is the widening of the mind and of the spirit." French Culture: French culture is renowned for its contributions to art, fashion (Paris is a fashion capital), cuisine (French cuisine is celebrated worldwide), wine production, literature (authors like Victor Hugo and Marcel Proust), film industry (Cannes Film Festival), and landmarks like the Eiffel Tower and Louvre Museum. "Culture is a way of coping with the world by defining it in detail" German Culture: German culture is known for its contributions to classical music (Beethoven, Bach), philosophy (Kant, Nietzsche), literature (Goethe, Kafka), engineering and technology, Oktoberfest (world's largest beer festival), Christmas markets, and the historic landmarks of Berlin. Eastern European Cultures: Russian Culture: Russian culture is renowned for its literature (Tolstoy, Dostoevsky), ballet (Bolshoi Theatre), classical music (Tchaikovsky, Rachmaninoff), iconic landmarks (Red Square, Saint Basil's Cathedral), traditional cuisine (borscht, caviar), and rich folklore traditions. "To merely observe your culture without contributing to it seems very close to existing as a ghost" Polish Culture: Polish culture is characterized by its history, traditions, and arts. It includes classical music (Chopin), literature (Wislawa Szymborska), Polish cuisine (pierogi, kielbasa), traditional festivals (such as St. John's Eve and Christmas traditions), and medieval architecture (like Krakow's Old Town and Wawel Castle). "That is true culture which helps us to work for the social betterment of all" Hungarian Culture: Hungarian culture is known for its unique language, folk traditions (including music and dance), thermal baths (like the Széchenyi Baths in Budapest), delicious cuisine (goulash, chimney cake), rich history, and impressive architecture (such as the Hungarian Parliament Building). Southern European Cultures: Italian Culture: Italian culture is famous for its art (Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci), architecture (Colosseum, Florence Cathedral), fashion (Milan is a fashion hub), cuisine (pizza, pasta, gelato), opera (La Scala), vibrant festivals (like Carnival in Venice), and love for football (soccer). "Without culture, and the relative freedom it implies, society, even when perfect, is but a jungle. This is why any authentic creation is a gift to the future" Spanish Culture: Spanish culture is characterized by its flamenco music and dance, bullfighting, siesta tradition, vibrant festivals (such as La Tomatina and Running of the Bulls), Moorish-influenced architecture (like Alhambra), delicious cuisine (paella, tapas), and world-renowned artists (such as Picasso and Gaudí). "In an immature society culture is an import; for a mature one it is a native manufacture which eventually becomes an export" Greek Culture: Greek culture has a rich ancient history, known for its contributions to philosophy (Socrates, Aristotle), mythology (Greek gods and goddesses), ancient architecture (Parthenon, Acropolis), literature (Homer's Iliad and Odyssey), traditional music (rebetiko), and delicious Mediterranean cuisine. "It is not part of a true culture to tame tigers, any more than it is to make sheep ferocious" These descriptions provide a glimpse into the diverse cultures found across Europe. It's important to note that each country and region within Europe has its own unique cultural practices, traditions, languages, and historical influences, contributing to the rich tapestry of European cultures.
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  • The Timing of Death.
    Mysteries make us ponder what we do not know.
    Reviewed by Abigail Fagan

    KEY POINTS-
    The timing of death has been studied from at least seven broad perspectives.
    Empirical approaches rely on statistical inferences. They explain only a portion of the factors that contribute to an outcome like death.
    They can describe tendencies that approach the universal and also those that vary among groups.

    Few topics in psychology remain as poorly understood as the experience of death. Although we routinely observe life cycles in plants and animals, we don’t even have a full consensus on the definition of human death. In clear-cut cases such as a car accident with fatalities, a devastating weather event, or an intentional murder, people die suddenly and unexpectedly. Biology stops, authorized organs are procured for implants, and people move to post-death behaviors, from dealing with a non-living body to addressing the social, emotional, and material aftermath of a being’s absence from the world of the living. The “how” and “why” can sometimes be clear-cut.

    Nonetheless, ambiguities and conflicts in definitions of “death” remain. Media outlets report people who were pronounced dead and were later revived. A literature describing those eager to tell of their “near-death” experience is growing. And there are the anecdotal mysteries: the 95-year-old woman who falls, breaks ribs and other bones, is hospitalized, and, a month later, returns to her own home. Surgery, a rehab hospital, and some additional physical and occupational therapy have produced a miracle. Or the person who has suffered far too many ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) yet defies the statistical odds of a young demise. Or the woman who walked into the hospital with what seemed like a minor problem, suffered setback after setback, yet lived another six months.

    From the perspective of my pyramid theory, here are some current definitions:
    Cellular level. At the most basic level, the physics and chemistry of life, cells stop. The electrical circuits and chemicals that move — all internal communications — cease to function.

    Organs. Medical personnel disagree whether the brain or heart is the seat of life. They have observed that brain cells continue to die after we do, suggesting that when the heart stops beating signals “death” may be arguable as a definition of death.

    Biological systems. When substances necessary for the preservation of life are removed, whole systems shut down, often like dominos. Impaired respiration deprives cells of the oxygen they need; a loss of hydration or nutrition removes the nutrients necessary for life to continue.

    Psychological. At the psychological level, death becomes even more nuanced. On the way to death, hospice workers prefer to use the word “unresponsive” instead of “unconscious”. In truth, we do not fully understand when knowing ends. Too many people have felt the faint squeeze of a hand signaling recognition or seen the lift of an eyebrow signaling understanding. Researchers find that people continue to sense and perceive after conscious awareness has ended.

    In a unique research program on the timing of death, Ellen Idler and Stan Kasl found that people are more likely to die after their birthdays than before them.1 Motivation, therefore, can explain a bit about longevity beyond that explained by biological and medical factors.

    Interpersonal. At the interpersonal level, the phenomenon gets more complex and less explainable. Babies who lack the human contact they need can die from a “failure to thrive”, like Harlowe’s monkeys who were provided with wire surrogate monkeys fitted with bottles for feeding but deprived of the comfort of cloth monkeys or contact with their peers. Daniel J. Siegel is perhaps the guru of interpersonal attunement, the neurobiology of attachment, as well as damage associated with its absence.

    Studies on mortality following widowhood document the power of loss of a spouse, again beyond medical and other known variables, including some that are cultural, like financial strain and the constraints it creates.

    In a unique look at the role of marriage in mortality of older married couples, Stan Kasl and Amy Darefsky and I showed that even when chronic illness and other well-known risk factors are accounted for, the style of closeness within the marriage can predict longevity — one style of relationship closeness within the couples we tracked over six years was more protective of survival than others, both for men and women, especially if the woman had ever had a child.2

    Cultural. Recent years have brought data documenting the toll that “heartbreak” or other stressful experiences can have on the body and even on the “will to live”. Often related to the culture in which one lives, loneliness, a symptom of depression, or the isolation that can accompany aging (e.g., less mobility, poorer vision and hearing) or negative stereotypes about older people, explain longevity to some extent. The opposite, social involvement and support, are associated with longer life, as is a communal compared to an individualistic perspective.

    Spiritual. In a twist to the research on people dying following their birthdays rather than before the event, Ellen Idler and Stan Kasl examined the role of religious involvement (both personally and publicly) as potential protective factors in longevity. They found that, with both increasing participation in a religious community and higher self-assessed religiosity, Christian men and women were more likely to die following Christmas and Easter than prior to the holidays. Jewish men with heightened religiosity were more likely to die after (rather than before) the High Holy Days in the fall and Passover in the spring while their wives were more likely to die before the holidays. As a Jewish woman who aspires to become a “woman of valor”, I wonder if the more religious women saw themselves as unable to fulfill the roles expected of them during the holidays and so, rather than disappoint, they bowed out.

    We have no answers to the mysteries of a “will to live”. People looking to “quality of life” factors can examine aspects of well-being, but do they really capture the idiosyncratic desire to watch a grandchild wed or to hold a great-grandchild in one’s arms as a new generation begins? Gratitude for and acceptance of each day, with whatever it brings, can indeed help us embrace the opportunity to be part of humanity for at least a bit longer.
    The Timing of Death. Mysteries make us ponder what we do not know. Reviewed by Abigail Fagan KEY POINTS- The timing of death has been studied from at least seven broad perspectives. Empirical approaches rely on statistical inferences. They explain only a portion of the factors that contribute to an outcome like death. They can describe tendencies that approach the universal and also those that vary among groups. Few topics in psychology remain as poorly understood as the experience of death. Although we routinely observe life cycles in plants and animals, we don’t even have a full consensus on the definition of human death. In clear-cut cases such as a car accident with fatalities, a devastating weather event, or an intentional murder, people die suddenly and unexpectedly. Biology stops, authorized organs are procured for implants, and people move to post-death behaviors, from dealing with a non-living body to addressing the social, emotional, and material aftermath of a being’s absence from the world of the living. The “how” and “why” can sometimes be clear-cut. Nonetheless, ambiguities and conflicts in definitions of “death” remain. Media outlets report people who were pronounced dead and were later revived. A literature describing those eager to tell of their “near-death” experience is growing. And there are the anecdotal mysteries: the 95-year-old woman who falls, breaks ribs and other bones, is hospitalized, and, a month later, returns to her own home. Surgery, a rehab hospital, and some additional physical and occupational therapy have produced a miracle. Or the person who has suffered far too many ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) yet defies the statistical odds of a young demise. Or the woman who walked into the hospital with what seemed like a minor problem, suffered setback after setback, yet lived another six months. From the perspective of my pyramid theory, here are some current definitions: Cellular level. At the most basic level, the physics and chemistry of life, cells stop. The electrical circuits and chemicals that move — all internal communications — cease to function. Organs. Medical personnel disagree whether the brain or heart is the seat of life. They have observed that brain cells continue to die after we do, suggesting that when the heart stops beating signals “death” may be arguable as a definition of death. Biological systems. When substances necessary for the preservation of life are removed, whole systems shut down, often like dominos. Impaired respiration deprives cells of the oxygen they need; a loss of hydration or nutrition removes the nutrients necessary for life to continue. Psychological. At the psychological level, death becomes even more nuanced. On the way to death, hospice workers prefer to use the word “unresponsive” instead of “unconscious”. In truth, we do not fully understand when knowing ends. Too many people have felt the faint squeeze of a hand signaling recognition or seen the lift of an eyebrow signaling understanding. Researchers find that people continue to sense and perceive after conscious awareness has ended. In a unique research program on the timing of death, Ellen Idler and Stan Kasl found that people are more likely to die after their birthdays than before them.1 Motivation, therefore, can explain a bit about longevity beyond that explained by biological and medical factors. Interpersonal. At the interpersonal level, the phenomenon gets more complex and less explainable. Babies who lack the human contact they need can die from a “failure to thrive”, like Harlowe’s monkeys who were provided with wire surrogate monkeys fitted with bottles for feeding but deprived of the comfort of cloth monkeys or contact with their peers. Daniel J. Siegel is perhaps the guru of interpersonal attunement, the neurobiology of attachment, as well as damage associated with its absence. Studies on mortality following widowhood document the power of loss of a spouse, again beyond medical and other known variables, including some that are cultural, like financial strain and the constraints it creates. In a unique look at the role of marriage in mortality of older married couples, Stan Kasl and Amy Darefsky and I showed that even when chronic illness and other well-known risk factors are accounted for, the style of closeness within the marriage can predict longevity — one style of relationship closeness within the couples we tracked over six years was more protective of survival than others, both for men and women, especially if the woman had ever had a child.2 Cultural. Recent years have brought data documenting the toll that “heartbreak” or other stressful experiences can have on the body and even on the “will to live”. Often related to the culture in which one lives, loneliness, a symptom of depression, or the isolation that can accompany aging (e.g., less mobility, poorer vision and hearing) or negative stereotypes about older people, explain longevity to some extent. The opposite, social involvement and support, are associated with longer life, as is a communal compared to an individualistic perspective. Spiritual. In a twist to the research on people dying following their birthdays rather than before the event, Ellen Idler and Stan Kasl examined the role of religious involvement (both personally and publicly) as potential protective factors in longevity. They found that, with both increasing participation in a religious community and higher self-assessed religiosity, Christian men and women were more likely to die following Christmas and Easter than prior to the holidays. Jewish men with heightened religiosity were more likely to die after (rather than before) the High Holy Days in the fall and Passover in the spring while their wives were more likely to die before the holidays. As a Jewish woman who aspires to become a “woman of valor”, I wonder if the more religious women saw themselves as unable to fulfill the roles expected of them during the holidays and so, rather than disappoint, they bowed out. We have no answers to the mysteries of a “will to live”. People looking to “quality of life” factors can examine aspects of well-being, but do they really capture the idiosyncratic desire to watch a grandchild wed or to hold a great-grandchild in one’s arms as a new generation begins? Gratitude for and acceptance of each day, with whatever it brings, can indeed help us embrace the opportunity to be part of humanity for at least a bit longer.
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  • How to Ask for What You Want.
    Nothing is going to change until you ask for it.
    Reviewed by Devon Frye

    KEY POINTS-
    Sometimes instead of asking for what we want, we try to communicate what we want with our mood, which always causes confusion.
    If you’re going to take the emotional risk of vulnerably asking for a change, make sure your request is going to be heard.
    In healthy relationships, your loved ones want you to be happy.

    "We're not exchanging presents this year, right?"

    Amy’s husband asked this question a few days before Christmas. At the beginning of their relationship, Amy had agreed not to exchange gifts because money was tight, but over the years, as they had more disposable income, she became resentful. For one thing, as she shopped for other Christmas gifts, she would invariably see something her husband would love and pick it up for him. She would tell herself that she loved giving gifts—receiving them just wasn’t important to her.

    Amy’s teenage children seemed to have taken a cue from their father and made no effort to buy gifts to give—they were perfectly comfortable just receiving them. Every Christmas morning, after Amy had spent weeks shopping and preparing for a lovely holiday, she’d watch as everyone else opened their gifts, bought and wrapped by Amy, and she’d feel punched in the gut as she sat empty-handed.

    After Christmas, Amy would slide into a funk that lasted several weeks. She told everyone it was just post-holiday blues, but she knew it was more than that.

    Now here they were again, December 21, and he was asking the same question. Initially, Amy had responded as usual, saying, "That's fine." But it wasn’t fine.

    In therapy, I asked Amy why she didn’t tell her family how hurt she was that they didn’t buy gifts.

    “It feels embarrassing to care about gifts as an adult,” Amy replied.

    “What does it mean to you that they don’t buy you gifts?” I asked.

    “I feel like they don’t give me a thought. Like I’m invisible.”

    “Maybe you could share that with them.”

    “I’m also just mad. I shouldn’t have to ask. Literally, any gift, just something to open, would make me so happy. It should be embarrassing to them that I sit there empty-handed. I have spoiled kids and this clueless husband.”

    Amy took a long pause. Her voice changed from bitter to ashamed. "Then I get mad at myself. I have obviously created this situation. If I’d spoken up years ago, this wouldn’t be happening now. My husband is a really good guy, he’s just a terrible gift-giver. Who cares? And my kids are terrific. This shouldn’t be that big of a deal. What is wrong with me?’

    Amy’s inner dialogue probably sounds familiar to many of us. One part of us feels upset and wants to change the status quo. But then another part of us, reluctant to rock the boat, rushes in to talk us out of taking any action, minimize our feelings about a situation, and insist that everything is fine. Finally, a third part insists that this is all our fault anyways, so we should just shut up and take our medicine.

    I worked with Amy to help her speak up to her family. She called a family meeting to talk about expectations for the coming holiday. In addition to getting more help with the cooking and general preparations, Amy said that she had been hurt in the past when she hadn’t received any presents when she put so much effort into buying presents for them. To the kids, she said, “You are old enough to reciprocate some of what I do for you. I try to be generous and considerate of you, and I would like the same in return.” To her husband, Amy said, “I love gifts. I know that you don’t care either way, but going forward, I’d like a gift from you at Christmas.”

    Why You Need to Ask for What You Want
    In healthy relationships, your loved ones want you to be happy. If that isn't the case, you need to reevaluate how you are going to participate in these relationships.

    I often hear, especially when it comes to romantic relationships, comments like, “But he should know what I want," or, "I don't want to have to tell her every single thing." This mindset, common as it may be, leads to years of resentment and unhappiness that can easily be avoided by being honest, ahead of time, about what you want.

    For Amy, the problem was solved. From that meeting forward, Amy had presents on Christmas morning, just like everybody else. She also felt like this new behavior bled into more consideration of her in general, especially from her kids. “I feel like they are seeing me as a whole person not, not just someone who is there to cater to them.” The outcome was even better than she expected.

    Here are three steps for asking for what you want:

    1. Set the stage.
    Make sure you have the other person’s full attention. Asking for what you want in passing might feel less daunting, but if you’re going to take the emotional risk of vulnerably asking for a change, make sure your request is going to be heard.

    2. Be clear, direct, and concise.
    Sometimes instead of asking for what we want, we try to communicate what we want with our mood, which always causes confusion. Don’t radiate unhappiness and hope those around you figure out why. Just tell them.

    3. Show appreciation.
    Nothing reinforces positive change like gratitude.

    Should Amy's husband, after 25 years of marriage, have known gifts were meaningful to his wife? Should he have wanted to show his love and appreciation in this way without being asked? And now that they were teenagers, shouldn’t Amy’s kids have taken the initiative and ensured their mom felt appreciated on Christmas day? Probably, but the pattern wasn't changing until Amy stepped up and changed it.
    How to Ask for What You Want. Nothing is going to change until you ask for it. Reviewed by Devon Frye KEY POINTS- Sometimes instead of asking for what we want, we try to communicate what we want with our mood, which always causes confusion. If you’re going to take the emotional risk of vulnerably asking for a change, make sure your request is going to be heard. In healthy relationships, your loved ones want you to be happy. "We're not exchanging presents this year, right?" Amy’s husband asked this question a few days before Christmas. At the beginning of their relationship, Amy had agreed not to exchange gifts because money was tight, but over the years, as they had more disposable income, she became resentful. For one thing, as she shopped for other Christmas gifts, she would invariably see something her husband would love and pick it up for him. She would tell herself that she loved giving gifts—receiving them just wasn’t important to her. Amy’s teenage children seemed to have taken a cue from their father and made no effort to buy gifts to give—they were perfectly comfortable just receiving them. Every Christmas morning, after Amy had spent weeks shopping and preparing for a lovely holiday, she’d watch as everyone else opened their gifts, bought and wrapped by Amy, and she’d feel punched in the gut as she sat empty-handed. After Christmas, Amy would slide into a funk that lasted several weeks. She told everyone it was just post-holiday blues, but she knew it was more than that. Now here they were again, December 21, and he was asking the same question. Initially, Amy had responded as usual, saying, "That's fine." But it wasn’t fine. In therapy, I asked Amy why she didn’t tell her family how hurt she was that they didn’t buy gifts. “It feels embarrassing to care about gifts as an adult,” Amy replied. “What does it mean to you that they don’t buy you gifts?” I asked. “I feel like they don’t give me a thought. Like I’m invisible.” “Maybe you could share that with them.” “I’m also just mad. I shouldn’t have to ask. Literally, any gift, just something to open, would make me so happy. It should be embarrassing to them that I sit there empty-handed. I have spoiled kids and this clueless husband.” Amy took a long pause. Her voice changed from bitter to ashamed. "Then I get mad at myself. I have obviously created this situation. If I’d spoken up years ago, this wouldn’t be happening now. My husband is a really good guy, he’s just a terrible gift-giver. Who cares? And my kids are terrific. This shouldn’t be that big of a deal. What is wrong with me?’ Amy’s inner dialogue probably sounds familiar to many of us. One part of us feels upset and wants to change the status quo. But then another part of us, reluctant to rock the boat, rushes in to talk us out of taking any action, minimize our feelings about a situation, and insist that everything is fine. Finally, a third part insists that this is all our fault anyways, so we should just shut up and take our medicine. I worked with Amy to help her speak up to her family. She called a family meeting to talk about expectations for the coming holiday. In addition to getting more help with the cooking and general preparations, Amy said that she had been hurt in the past when she hadn’t received any presents when she put so much effort into buying presents for them. To the kids, she said, “You are old enough to reciprocate some of what I do for you. I try to be generous and considerate of you, and I would like the same in return.” To her husband, Amy said, “I love gifts. I know that you don’t care either way, but going forward, I’d like a gift from you at Christmas.” Why You Need to Ask for What You Want In healthy relationships, your loved ones want you to be happy. If that isn't the case, you need to reevaluate how you are going to participate in these relationships. I often hear, especially when it comes to romantic relationships, comments like, “But he should know what I want," or, "I don't want to have to tell her every single thing." This mindset, common as it may be, leads to years of resentment and unhappiness that can easily be avoided by being honest, ahead of time, about what you want. For Amy, the problem was solved. From that meeting forward, Amy had presents on Christmas morning, just like everybody else. She also felt like this new behavior bled into more consideration of her in general, especially from her kids. “I feel like they are seeing me as a whole person not, not just someone who is there to cater to them.” The outcome was even better than she expected. Here are three steps for asking for what you want: 1. Set the stage. Make sure you have the other person’s full attention. Asking for what you want in passing might feel less daunting, but if you’re going to take the emotional risk of vulnerably asking for a change, make sure your request is going to be heard. 2. Be clear, direct, and concise. Sometimes instead of asking for what we want, we try to communicate what we want with our mood, which always causes confusion. Don’t radiate unhappiness and hope those around you figure out why. Just tell them. 3. Show appreciation. Nothing reinforces positive change like gratitude. Should Amy's husband, after 25 years of marriage, have known gifts were meaningful to his wife? Should he have wanted to show his love and appreciation in this way without being asked? And now that they were teenagers, shouldn’t Amy’s kids have taken the initiative and ensured their mom felt appreciated on Christmas day? Probably, but the pattern wasn't changing until Amy stepped up and changed it.
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