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How to Love a Partner Who Is Hard to Please
Here are strategies for managing a high-maintenance paramour.

KEY POINTS-
Hard-to-please partners are often vocal about their dissatisfaction, even if it is couched in a compliment.
It is important to set boundaries with hard-to-please partners and to avoid engaging with their criticism.
Someone who is hard to please within a relationship is likely hard to please in other settings.

We all know someone who never seems to be satisfied. They set the bar too high regarding expectations of you and often of themselves.

Whether personally or professionally, when you think you have moved the ball down the field, they move the goalpost.

If you are reading this, you might already be involved with a hard-to-please paramour. How did it happen? Probably over time.

Perhaps your partner was on good behavior at first, although intolerance and dissatisfaction often tend to be expressed, even on a first date. Perhaps the dissatisfaction was not about you at first, so you felt like you were part of a unified team.

You might have even agreed with the sentiments, empowering your partner to continue the diatribe. Until, predictably, the tables turned, and you were transformed from team member to target.

If you are unsure whether you have fallen for a partner with high expectations, consider the following questions.

The Walking Complaint Box
Some high-maintenance partners consistently show their stripes because they are always complaining. These people are in line at the purser’s office on a cruise ship or at the front desk at a luxurious tropical resort, complaining about a small flaw, such as a drawer not closing completely or a spot on the rug.

The walking complaint box will also continually remind you if, God forbid, you are the one who “broke” the drawer or spilled the coffee on the rug. There is no such thing as a complaint too small for a difficult-to-please partner.

Your Best Is Not Good Enough
Hard-to-please partners are vocal about their dissatisfaction, even if couched within a compliment. Although they may express appreciation when you have made an effort to appease, be alert for the caveat.

“Thank you for fixing the television set. I hope next time you can figure out how to add the cable channels as well.”
“That concert sounds great. We’ll see how well we can see the stage from the seats you selected.”
Resist the temptation to engage with these types of remarks. No retort will be “acceptable” to a partner like this; sometimes silence is golden, and indifference is bliss.

Equal Opportunity Dissatisfaction
Someone hard to please within a relationship is likely hard to please in other settings—which you can detect early on in the relationship if you are paying attention. Jiseon Ahn (2023) examined customers' behavior with Dark Triad personalities in a food delivery service context.[i]

Results showed that customers exhibiting narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy were linked with negative engagement, associated with “negative behavioral intentions,” including desiring revenge and exaggerating in online reviews.

When Conflict Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
Countering research on dark personalities, on the bright side, studies have identified how negative circumstances can predict positive relational growth. Scott Gershwer (2022) found that within a sample of middle-aged, self-described “happily married” couples, negative experiences endured as a couple can increase mutual intimacy, especially when a crisis led the couple to understand they could rely solely on each other.[ii] Gershwer thus identified mutual reliance as a relational value and an apparent dimension of intimacy.

Love Is Blind, Not Deaf
Partners who are impossible to please are usually easy to hear if you know how to listen. Pay attention to word themes, conversation topics, commentary, and complaints.

Suppose you decide that leaving the relationship is not an option and choose instead to try to manage the situation. In that case, you don’t have to lower your expectations about how you should be treated, but you can lower the volume or the temperature during disagreements.

Listen without reacting. Your partner’s tirade of complaints is not sustainable without any wind in the sails. It takes two to tango but also to argue.

With patience and possibly professional counseling, you might identify and address the root cause of your partner’s dissatisfaction, which in many cases will have nothing to do with you.

Two Reasons Why Men and Women Go Back for Breakup Sex.
Why can physical intimacy still be tapped into after the end of a relationship?

KEY POINTS-
After a breakup, a person may feel a sense of unfinished business or limbo.
Former partners may get sexually intimate to gain a sense of closure or to celebrate what their bond once was.
A fear of being single and a pattern of sociosexuality can motivate men and women to engage in breakup sex.

After a breakup, there is often a lingering sense of unfinished business and questions left unanswered. For many, physical intimacy with an ex-partner can provide a sense of finality and resolution—a way to say goodbye to the relationship on their own terms or to reaffirm the emotional bond that once existed.

Research in 2020 found that, regardless of gender, individuals may turn to breakup sex to maintain or rekindle their relationship or to seek emotional closure.

However, the researchers also suggested that breakup sex might disproportionately benefit men more than women. Male participants in the study reported feeling better about themselves after breakup sex, whereas women reported feeling better about the terminated relationship but worse about themselves.

A new study published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences offers a closer examination of the differences in why men and women engage in breakup sex.

The researchers discovered two underlying motivations for post-breakup intimacy: a fear of being single and a pattern of “sociosexuality.” These motivations are unpacked below.

1. A Fear of Being Single
The researchers found that women who reported a heightened fear of being single expressed a greater desire for breakup sex. This was not a motivator for men in the study.

The fear of being alone or harboring concerns about one’s ability to find a new partner could lead to engaging in breakup sex as a way to avoid or mitigate these fears. The comfort of physical intimacy with a familiar ex-partner can provide a temporary sense of security.

Further, research shows that a fear of being single can lead to settling for less in romantic relationships and make individuals more likely to stay in an unsatisfying relationship. This fear also leads people to choose partners that are less emotionally responsive than they desire.

Therefore, in the face of alternatives that seem unfulfilling or unappealing, one might discover a newfound appreciation for what they had with their ex-partner—temporarily ignoring the reasons behind their split. This longing for ex-partners can prompt the pursuit of breakup sex.

2. A Pattern of Sociosexuality
Sociosexuality, which refers to the desire to engage in casual sexual encounters, emerged as another driving force for both men and women to engage in breakup sex. Individuals with a more relaxed attitude toward sex were more inclined to engage in post-breakup sexual encounters, seemingly driven by their heightened desire for sexual experiences. Such individuals were also more likely to have had breakup sex in the past.

The researchers found that men, more than women, engage in breakup sex for hedonistic pleasure and excitement. This desire aligns with the concept of “fiery limbo,” a relationship stage in which ex-partners continue to experience sexual attraction to one another while grappling with the knowledge that they are no longer together. Their desire is possibly intensified by the uncertainty surrounding their relationship status.

The researchers suggest that women may have a lower motivation to engage in breakup sex for reasons of pleasure due to the possibility of becoming pregnant with a non-supportive partner. Further, heterosexual women might not be as interested in breakup sex for pleasure due to the “orgasm gap,” which refers to the lower likelihood of them reaching orgasm as compared to their male counterparts during a sexual encounter.

Conclusion
Breakup sex is a complex and multifaceted phenomenon driven by a combination of emotional, psychological, and individual factors. For women, both sociosexuality and a fear of being single lead to a greater desire for breakup sex, whereas for men, sociosexuality and hedonistic pleasure play a greater role. The consequences of post-breakup intimacy can vary, and there is no one-size-fits-all solution to dealing with the emotions that follow a breakup. The best we can do is thoughtfully evaluate how breakup sex impacts us and choose what benefits our mental health in the long run.