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A Secret for Surviving a Rough Day
Here is simple way to help yourself when the going gets rough.

About a year ago, I wrote an article on how to turn an unpleasant experience into a pleasant one (“How to Mindfully Turn a Mindful Experience Around”). I often rely on the practice in that piece to help me cope with life’s little irritations. But what can you do when, given the way a particular day is unfolding, that strategy is not in the cards? I’ll describe one such day in my own life and then share how I dealt with it. Hopefully, you’ll try it when your next rough day rolls around.

A few months ago, I woke up not having slept well the night before. Despite feeling lousy, I knew I had a doctor’s appointment that afternoon with a specialist whom I needed to see. Not only that, but I’d have to drive myself to the appointment (about 45 minutes each way), because my husband had a longstanding obligation he couldn’t cancel. At least, I thought, I’d be able to take a good long nap before I had to leave for the appointment.

Unfortunately, at about 10 a.m., I began to feel pain in my bladder. Within minutes, I knew from past experience exactly what was happening: I was coming down with a bladder infection. I know the signs well. My primary care doctor and I have worked out a protocol for handling this when it happens: I have antibiotics on hand; I begin taking them once I’ve collected a urine sample to take to the lab sometime that day.

First, I realized there’d be no delivering of a sample today. The appointment with the specialist was in the opposite direction from the lab—and in a different city. I couldn’t go both places on my own. So I sent a note to my primary care doctor, explaining why I couldn’t provide a sample and immediately began taking the antibiotics.

Second, they don’t begin to work for at least eight hours and, until then, I’m in considerable pain. I have pain pills I can take, but I didn’t think I should since I wasn’t sure how even one pill would affect my ability to drive safely. I’d have to put up with the pain, and this meant there’d be no napping before I had to leave for the appointment.

Bottom line: I was in terrible shape and saw no way to turn this unpleasant day into a pleasant one. At one point, I began to panic as I found myself thinking: “I can’t cope with what’s going on. I’m in pain. I had a bad night’s sleep. I can’t nap. I have to drive myself to and from this doctor’s appointment. How will I ever make it through this day?”

Then, thankfully, the title of a Beatles song came to mind: “A Day in the Life.” I took a deep breath and said to myself: “You’re all right. It’s just a day in the life. You’ll make it.” As soon as I said that, the panic subsided. I stopped mentally fighting the exhaustion and the pain. As a result, I could feel the tension in my body and mind relax, and I knew I’d be okay. Yes, it was setting up to be an extremely unpleasant day in the life but it was only one day…and it would pass.

As a bonus, this new perspective led to compassion arising for how terrible I felt. I began silently speaking to myself with kind words: “This is a hard day. Your body is not the enemy. It’s doing the best it can. Be gentle with it while it’s in pain and remember that soon you’ll start feeling a bit better.”

So, the next time you think you can’t cope, try gently saying to yourself, “It’s just a day in the life; you’ll make it,” and see if those words help you the way they helped me on that most unpleasant of days in the life.

Interracial Couples Married for Many Years: Their Successes.
How do interracial couples deal with negativity? Responses from 22 spouses.
Reviewed by Davia Sills

KEY POINTS-
Interracial and interethnic couples are on the rise, with 1-in-6 newlyweds now intermarrying.
Interracial couples have historically faced racism and discrimination in the U.S.
The public can learn from people who have been intermarried for many years what strategies they employ for dealing with negativity.
When working clinically, be culturally humble, pay attention to the social context, and be aware of racial socialization literature for children.

Interracial and interethnic marriages have been rising in the United States for decades, with every state experiencing an increase in the percentage of interethnic and interracial married households, according to the Census Bureau. According to the Pew Research Center, younger generations are the most likely to be in these marriages, with 13 percent of Millennials (those born between 1981 and 1996) in an interethnic or interracial marriage. In 2015, 17 percent of U.S. newlyweds married someone of a different race or ethnicity.

Intermarried couples have historically had to weather more challenges than intraracial couples due to past and present racial discrimination, as do their biracial or multiracial children. So what can we learn from those who have prevailed in their marriage over a lengthy period of time when potentially confronted with racially charged situations or microaggressions that can benefit the rising population of interracially and interethnically married couples and those that follow?

In research published recently in the Journal of Ethnic & Cultural Diversity in Social Work, I reported on interviews with 22 men and women who married someone of a different race or ethnicity. The participants had been married or dating and married to their spouses for at least 20 years. They ranged in age from 44 to 68 and had been together (married and dating) for an average of 28 years. The respondents were nine White women, four African American men, three White men, two Latinas, two Asian women, one African American woman, and one Asian man.

The spouses were five White males, four African American males, four Asian females, four White females, three Asian males, and two Latinos. All responded to a series of open-ended questions about their experiences. The question described in this post was: “What have you found that is successful in dealing with any negative feedback or treatment from society, your family, or friends because you are in an interracial family?”

Strategies for interracial or interethnic couples
The participants identified five general strategies as successful in dealing with the negative feedback they had experienced over their many years together. Some participants gave responses that could fit in more than one strategy as a variety of approaches may have been employed at different times.

Strategy 1 — We experience negativity and do not confront it.

With this strategy, participants feel discomfort for themselves as a couple or for their children. They rely on a variety of non-confrontational responses. This is an active decision to essentially turn the other cheek or try to dissuade the intention behind the negativity by educating.

For example, an African American man married to a White woman frames the interactions in a manner that fits his life philosophy. “When presented with adversity, I have always attacked with positive energy. Treat every negative interaction as a teachable moment. Meet people where they are and not have their problems become yours.”

Strategy 2 — We don’t attend to it when it comes our way.

Whereas the partners in the first theme experience discomfort and formulate a response, participants who gave this response are seemingly not bothered by what comes their way. Their cognitive frame is such that they ignore reactions and do not “experience” them, a different response than the previous group, which actively works not to let it bother them.

A White woman married to an Asian man focuses on her support systems rather than the potential negativity. She told us, “I don’t really care what people think, I guess. I feel like I have enough friends, and we have enough family that care about us and don’t really care what society thinks about us.”

Strategy 3 — We actively try to avoid contexts or uncomfortable situations where negativity might arise.

Participants who voiced this strategy talked about taking specific steps not to be put in a position where they might experience negativity. If they do experience it and feel uncomfortable, they end the relationship.

From this research and others, it is common for interracial couples to avoid areas of the country and specific settings where they might feel they are being negatively scrutinized. This strategy also includes avoiding social scenes that might be uncomfortable,

Strategy 4 — We show them we are great.

These participants are not directly confrontational and rather present as strong and proud of who they are, a sense of racial or ethnic pride as a couple. They revel in their strengths as a couple.

A White woman married to a Latino displays how comfortable she feels with her husband and believes that garners positive attention. “You know how they say success is the best revenge? Like, to me, the success of our marriage and our love and our families speak for themselves.”

Strategy 5 — We are protecting and preparing the next generation to speak up.

A few participants described passing on to their children the need for caution in their behavior as well as the need for pride and speaking up when responding to negativity. This intergenerational strategy helps the participants feel that they are working against the negativity for their children and others.

An African American woman married to a White man takes a proactive approach with her children in the face of negativity directed at them or anyone else. “They are more apt to stop instances of bullying and racism on all sides and on any front. We’ve raised them to be very accepting of people who are different from them and appreciate the differences. So, they have a very different vantage point.”

Suggestions for therapists
Clinicians working with intermarried couples have a knowledge of what strategies have been successful for long-married couples. It is likely that both partners may not be on the same page all the time as to what strategy to take, as one partner may have a history of traumatic experiences with racism that the other partner does not share. Take a position of cultural humility wherein you realize you are most likely different from the identity of one or both of the partners.

Coupled with this would be understanding the unique characteristics of the couple in relation to their gender, race, religion or spirituality, and class mix—their intersectionality. Be aware of racial socialization processes in children of interracial couples and the emerging literature on this topic. Family support can be key here when it is forthcoming. Stay current on what is happening in society with hate crimes against minority groups and how those shape how couples talk about themselves, their children, and those they love.

Finally, listen to the couple. Not all intermarried couples experience negativity from society or family. Meet them where they are.

SELF-HELP-
Making the Most of Our Cognitive and Social Limitations.
What our shortcomings tell us about ourselves.
Reviewed by Vanessa Lancaster

KEY POINTS-
After studying our limitations, we often discover that the ways we compensate for these limitations constitute strengths in themselves.
Some limitations can be confronted directly, opening new opportunities and providing a new sense of mastery.
Understanding our limitations allows us to know ourselves better, while removing unnecessary barriers to a more fulfilling life.
Many of us are aware of our physical and artistic limitations, and we're able to acknowledge them and even make light of them. We readily admit that we will never play professional basketball or achieve greatness as sculptors or singers.

But how well do we know our cognitive and social limitations? We notice some of them because we can compare what we manage with difficulty to what others accomplish with ease and grace. There are also tests that measure specific cognitive and interpersonal abilities. But in general, we are more aware of limitations of the body than limitations of the mind.

Identifying cognitive and social limitations requires introspection, self-evaluation, and resolve. It means focusing on what we consistently have difficulty doing.

When asked to evaluate ourselves, we mostly list positive qualities–not because we’re boastful, but because we’re shaped into that favorable response by such influences as college applications, career counseling, job interviews, and online dating platforms. Our elevator pitch doesn’t emphasize the negative.

How Shortcomings Motivate Us
Alfred Adler, a psychotherapist and contemporary of Freud, said that the motivation to compensate for our shortcomings begins in childhood when we are physically and cognitively less skilled than the older people in our lives. As children, we mature out of being smaller, weaker, and less knowledgeable, but the motivation to overcome or compensate for our limitations stays with us for the rest of our lives.

Defining Our Abilities and Inabilities
Our natural limitations are probably subsets of Gardner’s nine categories of multiple intelligence: linguistic, logical-mathematical, spatial, bodily-kinesthetic, musical, intrapersonal (knowing one’s self), interpersonal (knowing others), naturalistic, and existential.

We may have shortcomings in verbal fluency or math or finding our way around or holding a tune, or taking the perspective of others.

Working With Our Limitations
Confronting
Some limitations can be confronted directly. Early in his career, the noted psychotherapist, Albert Ellis, shed his awkwardness with public speaking by signing up to speak in public twice a week. By doing so, he learned to improve his verbal fluency while overcoming his fear.

Tom Dempsey was born without toes on his right foot, but with strong motivation and a special shoe, he became a placekicker in the NFL. For 43 years, he held the record for the longest field goal ever kicked in the NFL.

Other limitations can be placed in perspective and managed. I had a friend in college who stuttered.1 He worked on reducing his stuttering but also accepted it as a fact of his current life and did not allow it to limit him. He was a DJ on his own radio show and ran for student body president, with one of his slogans being, “No More Fast-Talking Politics.”

Compensating
We usually learn to live with our cognitive and social limitations by compensating.

One of my weaknesses, for example, is finding my way around. GPS has largely removed that problem, but before that, I pored over maps of unfamiliar places prior to visiting these places, committing the major roads to memory and making notes on specific choice points. (GPS still doesn’t help me navigate an unfamiliar building with multiple hallways.) Another of my weaknesses is translating verbal instructions into physical movements, such as dance moves. I compensate by practicing with YouTube videos before going public.

Avoiding
We can also try to avoid difficult activities. But, avoidance leaves us unprepared when called upon to engage in the very activity we’ve been avoiding, and it also hides associated abilities we do have.

An Exercise to Increase Awareness of Our Limitations
In my class on the Self, I ask students to describe an activity they have consistent difficulty with–something they’ve been dealing with most of their lives.

They focus on the activity itself, their difficulties with this activity, their strategies for compensating, and the possible sources of the difficulties. For many of them, this is the most focused thinking they’ve ever done about this specific limitation.

With every class, students present a diverse set of limitations: awkwardness talking to people they don’t know, problems with math, not feeling emotionally supportive with friends, an inability to spell, setbacks with standardized tests, clumsiness in flirting or small talk, a poor sense of direction, a lack of singing ability.

Personal Benefits
Many students discover that how they compensate for their limitations constitutes strengths in themselves. If they get others to help, they learn that graceful persuasion is a strength. If they memorize phrases to manage interpersonal awkwardness, they value their resourcefulness.

Some students discover that what they thought was a limitation is actually an activity they can do, but one that creates anxiety. They then work on ways to reduce their anxiety.

Other students learn that describing a limitation in detail circumscribes the problem. Someone with difficulty expressing himself said he realized the difficulty was not with good friends and family–or with strangers, but with acquaintances in between. Focusing specifically on our limitations can limit the limitations.

Sometimes, directly confronting a limitation vanquishes it while also opening opportunities.
One student joined the debate team to provide a structured setting for overcoming her unease with disagreement. She then became an accomplished collegiate debater, which brought about a feeling of mastery and new friendships and travel opportunities.

Professional Benefits
Most of us choose careers that draw on our strengths. But, sometimes, professional interests can overlap with natural limitations: actors who can’t remember lines, dental students unable to work in the mirror image world, and people devoted to helping animals but lacking the mathematical talent for veterinary medicine.

When professional aspirations overlap with persistent limitations, this assignment can encourage people to seek specific training in their area of difficulty or to consider shifting their academic studies to a related area that allows professional satisfaction without implacable struggle.

Continuing Efforts
If we choose, we can develop a comprehensive program for managing more pervasive limitations we want to compensate for.

One resonant example is David Finch’s collection of advice to himself for overcoming anti-social behaviors with his wife due to Asperger’s syndrome. He focused on specific matters (Don’t change the radio station when she’s singing along), more general rules (Apologies don’t count when you shout them), and larger advice (Be her friend, first and always).

His journal of best practices continues to guide him as a husband and father in ways large, small, and in between.

Thriving With Our Limitations
Literature provides countless examples of lives dramatically short-circuited by personal limitations: Othello's jealousy, Jon Snow's stubbornness, and Veruca Salt's selfishness. If these characters had identified their limitations and focused on how to compensate, they would have lived less troubled and more fulfilled fictional lives. Ebenezer Scrooge eventually managed to overcome his greed and miserliness, and he was happier for it.

Closely examining our limitations allows us to know ourselves better while removing unnecessary barriers to a more fulfilling life. More broadly, it encourages humility and can ultimately bestow wisdom.

INFERTILITY-
Missed Conceptions: Infertility Is Common and on the Rise.
Infertility isn’t just about not being able to conceive.
Reviewed by Lybi Ma

KEY POINTS-
Infertility is defined as not being able to get pregnant after one year of trying, or six months if the woman is over age 35.
Infertility is a difficult but common part of the human experience.
Estimates suggest that more than 100 million individuals suffer from infertility worldwide.
Fortunately, with the right support, medical and psychological hurdles associated with infertility can be overcome.
On a recent episode of her podcast "Wiser Than Me," Julia Louis-Dreyfus revealed her "devastating" experience with a miscarriage. “When I was about 28, I got pregnant for the first time, and I was crazy happy,” said the Veep star and “Seinfeld” alum. “I got pregnant easily. I felt very fertile, very womanly. And then, quite late in the pregnancy, my husband Brad and I discovered that this little fetus was not going to live.”

Louis-Dreyfus is not alone. Pregnancy loss is much more common than most people realize. About 10 to 20 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage. However, the actual number is probably higher, because many miscarriages occur very early on, like chemical pregnancies, before the pregnancy is even detected. Pregnancy loss is a common part of the infertility journey for many people, but it is often not talked about.

Infertility is defined as not being able to get pregnant after one year of unprotected sex. Fertility is known to decline steadily with age; for women over the age of 35, infertility is defined as not being able to get pregnant after six months of trying. However, infertility isn’t just about not being able to conceive. Women who are able to get pregnant but not carry a baby to term, like Louis-Dreyfus, may also be diagnosed with infertility. Under the umbrella of infertility, there are two different types. A woman who’s never been able to get pregnant will be diagnosed as having primary infertility. Women who already have children can still experience infertility too. A woman who has had at least one successful pregnancy in the past, but can’t get pregnant again, will be diagnosed with secondary infertility.

Infertility is an incredibly difficult, but common part of the human experience. In the United States, about 12 percent of women have difficulty conceiving and carrying a child to term. One in six couples faces infertility, but after a woman turns 35, one in three couples are infertile. Estimates suggest that more than 100 million individuals suffer from infertility worldwide. And it is on the rise. As people wait longer to have children, age is a growing contributing factor toward infertility. The biological clock is real, impacting female fertility and also male fertility, which can decline with increasing age.

But being diagnosed with infertility doesn’t mean that dreams of having a child must come to an end. It may take some time, but many couples who experience infertility will eventually be able to have a child. Some will do so on their own, like Julia Louis-Dreyfus who went on to have two children, while others will need help. The right kind of treatment depends on a variety of factors, such as the cause of infertility, how long the person or couple has been trying to conceive, their ages, and personal preferences. Over 7 million women have used infertility services in the U.S. alone, while 10 million babies have been born via assisted technologies.

But people who suffer from infertility may not only need medical help but also psychological support. For women, men, and couples, infertility is an adversity that has a profound effect on their emotions and experiences. It creates sadness, anger, frustration, and loneliness, and can cause depression and anxiety. These findings emphasize that infertility is a critical condition that needs to be taken seriously. But unlike other diseases, the scars from infertility are invisible, making it easy for society to ignore. Fortunately, with the right care, both the medical and psychological hurdles associated with infertility can be overcome.

7 Ways to Cope With Seeing Your Ex-Romantic Partner.
Taking the high road is the best route to avoid big bumps when seeing your ex.
Reviewed by Ekua Hagan

KEY POINTS-
Having to see an ex-partner can exacerbate the pain of breaking up with them.
Shoring up personal boundaries will leave one feeling less vulnerable to letting emotions get in the way.
Focusing on coping in healthy ways allows time to heal the pain from a breakup.
Megan's rant almost knocked me over. She said, "Dr. Jeff, it is not enough that Josh played me for a year but now after he dumped me, I still have to see his face most days at the pool at our apartment complex! How am I supposed to cope with that?"

Breakups can be difficult, and when you have to see your ex-partner around, it can add another layer of complexity to the situation. A study published in the Journal of Neurophysiology found that a relationship breakup may feel so painful because it activates the part of the brain associated with motivation, reward, and addiction cravings. It's important to approach this challenge with maturity and respect for both yourself and the other person.

Why It May Be Hard to Avoid Seeing Your Ex
Emotional attachment: Even if you want to avoid seeing your partner, it can be challenging if you still have strong emotional attachments to them. This may make it difficult to resist the urge to reach out or see them. Jim, age 31, confided to me about the allure of seeing Lisa after their breakup. He said, "Dr. Jeff, she texted late at night and asked me what I was up to. She then showed up in a hot outfit but the next morning I regretted being with her."

Work: If you work together or in the same industry, it may be difficult to avoid seeing your partner. This is especially true if you work in a small office or have similar work schedules. Dan and Bill came to see me after their breakup for support on how to peacefully coexist in the same small architecture firm where they worked together.

Living arrangements: If you live with your partner, it may be difficult to avoid seeing them daily. This is especially true if you share a bedroom or living space.

Social circle: If you have mutual friends or are part of the same social circle, it may be challenging to avoid running into your partner at events or gatherings. Doug and Linda found themselves struggling when seeing one another at the same CrossFit gym events and related social gatherings.

Shared responsibilities: If you have children together or share other responsibilities, such as finances or household chores, it may be difficult to avoid seeing your partner. Elaine consulted me about how to manage her emotions when her ex-husband, James, would make subtle, snide comments to her during exchanges between their two small children.

Legal obligations: If you are going through a divorce or separation, there may be legal obligations, such as court appearances or child custody arrangements, that require you to see your partner.

Whatever the logistical circumstances are that leave you crossing paths with your ex, there are ways that you can avoid letting your emotions take over and get the best of you when you see them. Check out the tips below that can help bring your peace of mind when seeing your ex-partner.

7 Tips to Keep Your Cool Around Your Ex
Give yourself time to grieve: It's normal to feel sad, angry, or confused after a breakup. Give yourself time to process your emotions and grieve the loss of the relationship.

Set boundaries: Decide what boundaries you need to set with your ex-partner to make it easier for you to move on. This could include avoiding certain places or activities, limiting contact, or avoiding social media.

Be civil: When you do see your ex-partner, be polite and civil. You don't have to be best friends but try to be respectful and avoid any unnecessary drama.

Try to get some added distance: No, it is not that you "should have to" move to another apartment or get another job. Yet, if you do have the luxury of choice to be able to relocate parts of your life away from your ex (especially if they hold negative energy toward you) then your temporary loss may turn out to be a net gain.

Know your value: Valuing who you are and what you have to offer to others is not being arrogant. Rather, caring about yourself, especially in times of stress, is crucial to moving yourself on to better places or partners who are a better fit for you.

Focus on growing yourself: Use this time to focus on yourself and your well-being. Pursue a new interest, try a new form of fitness, or explore new places.

Lean on your support system: Reach out to friends and family for support during this time. They can offer a listening ear, words of encouragement, and a distraction from the breakup.

Final Thoughts
Healing from a breakup can be a difficult and emotional process, but it's important to take the time and space to allow yourself to process your feelings and move forward healthily. Creating a sense of inner strength by having solid emotional and logistical boundaries with your ex-partner will help you be able to move on and feel better.

The Rise of the Childless Single in South Korea.
Why are young adults in South Korea opting for childless singlehood?
Reviewed by Lybi Ma

KEY POINTS-
Marriage and fertility rates have decreased dramatically in South Korea.
The exorbitant cost of childrearing may be a reason why Koreans avoid parenthood and marriage.
Labor market discrimination against young mothers may be another reason why Koreans avoid parenthood and marriage.
The heavy dual burden of paid work and household responsibilities may be another barrier to marriage and parenthood.
Young adults in South Korea are increasingly avoiding marriage. Non-marital fertility is rare in South Korea; thus, declining marriage rates have also resulted in a dramatic fertility decline. By 2018, South Korea had the lowest fertility in the world. Their total fertility rate in 2023 was 0.78. This means that Korean couples are averaging less than one child. These demographic changes have resulted in a dramatic rise in young adults who remain single and childless.

The dramatic rise in childless singles and resulting population aging problems have been a source of grave concern for many South Koreans. Why have we observed the dramatic rise of young adults in South Korea who opt into prolonged periods of childless singlehood?

A new article published in the Journal of Family Review and Theory in April 2023 reviews the recent empirical studies to ascertain why South Korean young adults are increasingly opting for childless singlehood. It points to four reasons.

First, traditional views and postmodern attitudes about married life coexist and generate tensions.

South Korea experienced social changes over a compressed amount of time. Therefore, Western attitudes and institutional practices coexist with many traditional practices inspired by Confucianism.

Confucianism dictates that individuals prioritize family needs over individual desires. Young adults, particularly women, are expected to sacrifice their career advancement and other forms of self-actualization so that they can meet their obligations toward family life, including caring for their aging parents and engaging in all-consuming parenthood.

Postmodern attitudes characterizing the Second Demographic Transition place a growing emphasis on self-actualization and egalitarianism. This has generated an aversion towards social institutions that serve as barriers to self-actualization.

Young adults in South Korea are increasingly avoiding marriage to eschew an institution that demands self-sacrifice for the familial good and serves as a barrier to self-actualization.

Second, the high cost of rearing children is another reason why young adults are opting for childless singlehood.

After the Asian Financial Crisis in the late-1990s, the Korean economy ceased its rapid growth. Instead, it witnessed a rise in non-standard and contract work, contributing to increases in economic uncertainty, particularly among new market entrants.5 In response, Korea became a hypercompetitive society. Entry into elite universities is particularly competitive due to the strong ties between obtaining a degree from these universities and individuals' chances for upward mobility.

Confucianism dictates that children's academic excellence is the family's honor. Parents have the responsibility of ensuring their children's academic success. They are expected to invest enormous amounts of resources to ensure their children's educational success.

Korean parents are partaking in an educational arms race to ensure that their children have a competitive edge over other children. Most children have access to private tutoring and expensive after-school programs. Large shares of Korean families are spending 20 percent of their household income on these programs and education centers. Such investments are pervasive across all social strata despite the growing economic polarization in Korean families.

Young adults who are unwilling or unable to partake in this arms race will avoid marriages and parenthood.

Third, labor market discrimination toward married women, particularly mothers, is another key reason. Korean employers assume that mothers will prioritize their parenting and domestic responsibilities. Under this assumption, they may exclude mothers from lucrative opportunities, promotions, and senior leadership positions. Women with ambitious career plans may forego parenthood to avoid becoming part of the mommy track. Given the tight coupling between marriage and parenthood, this may also mean avoiding marriages.

Fourth, the heavy demands of housework placed on women may be another reason.

Due to men's declining economic fate, South Korea transitioned from single- to dual-earner households. Married couples increasingly depend on wives' economic contributions. Although women's labor force participation has increased, women continue to do most of the housework. For example, a recent study found that wives who had their second child spent 420 minutes every day on housework; whereas, their husbands spent 63 minutes every day on housework.

Women will likely eschew marriage and parenthood if they know that getting married means having to simultaneously assume the heavy burden of housework and paid labor at the expense of their physical and mental health.

In South Korea, the institution of marriage has remained largely unchanged despite profound changes in the economy and other institutions. The inflexibility of the marriage institution has rendered marriage largely incompatible with the economic realities of today's young adults, resulting in the rise in the childless single. If Korea wants to increase its fertility and marriage rates, its marriage institution must change so that it can become more compatible with the expectations and economic realities of young adults.

How to Ask for What You Want.
Nothing is going to change until you ask for it.
Reviewed by Devon Frye

KEY POINTS-
Sometimes instead of asking for what we want, we try to communicate what we want with our mood, which always causes confusion.
If you’re going to take the emotional risk of vulnerably asking for a change, make sure your request is going to be heard.
In healthy relationships, your loved ones want you to be happy.

"We're not exchanging presents this year, right?"

Amy’s husband asked this question a few days before Christmas. At the beginning of their relationship, Amy had agreed not to exchange gifts because money was tight, but over the years, as they had more disposable income, she became resentful. For one thing, as she shopped for other Christmas gifts, she would invariably see something her husband would love and pick it up for him. She would tell herself that she loved giving gifts—receiving them just wasn’t important to her.

Amy’s teenage children seemed to have taken a cue from their father and made no effort to buy gifts to give—they were perfectly comfortable just receiving them. Every Christmas morning, after Amy had spent weeks shopping and preparing for a lovely holiday, she’d watch as everyone else opened their gifts, bought and wrapped by Amy, and she’d feel punched in the gut as she sat empty-handed.

After Christmas, Amy would slide into a funk that lasted several weeks. She told everyone it was just post-holiday blues, but she knew it was more than that.

Now here they were again, December 21, and he was asking the same question. Initially, Amy had responded as usual, saying, "That's fine." But it wasn’t fine.

In therapy, I asked Amy why she didn’t tell her family how hurt she was that they didn’t buy gifts.

“It feels embarrassing to care about gifts as an adult,” Amy replied.

“What does it mean to you that they don’t buy you gifts?” I asked.

“I feel like they don’t give me a thought. Like I’m invisible.”

“Maybe you could share that with them.”

“I’m also just mad. I shouldn’t have to ask. Literally, any gift, just something to open, would make me so happy. It should be embarrassing to them that I sit there empty-handed. I have spoiled kids and this clueless husband.”

Amy took a long pause. Her voice changed from bitter to ashamed. "Then I get mad at myself. I have obviously created this situation. If I’d spoken up years ago, this wouldn’t be happening now. My husband is a really good guy, he’s just a terrible gift-giver. Who cares? And my kids are terrific. This shouldn’t be that big of a deal. What is wrong with me?’

Amy’s inner dialogue probably sounds familiar to many of us. One part of us feels upset and wants to change the status quo. But then another part of us, reluctant to rock the boat, rushes in to talk us out of taking any action, minimize our feelings about a situation, and insist that everything is fine. Finally, a third part insists that this is all our fault anyways, so we should just shut up and take our medicine.

I worked with Amy to help her speak up to her family. She called a family meeting to talk about expectations for the coming holiday. In addition to getting more help with the cooking and general preparations, Amy said that she had been hurt in the past when she hadn’t received any presents when she put so much effort into buying presents for them. To the kids, she said, “You are old enough to reciprocate some of what I do for you. I try to be generous and considerate of you, and I would like the same in return.” To her husband, Amy said, “I love gifts. I know that you don’t care either way, but going forward, I’d like a gift from you at Christmas.”

Why You Need to Ask for What You Want
In healthy relationships, your loved ones want you to be happy. If that isn't the case, you need to reevaluate how you are going to participate in these relationships.

I often hear, especially when it comes to romantic relationships, comments like, “But he should know what I want," or, "I don't want to have to tell her every single thing." This mindset, common as it may be, leads to years of resentment and unhappiness that can easily be avoided by being honest, ahead of time, about what you want.

For Amy, the problem was solved. From that meeting forward, Amy had presents on Christmas morning, just like everybody else. She also felt like this new behavior bled into more consideration of her in general, especially from her kids. “I feel like they are seeing me as a whole person not, not just someone who is there to cater to them.” The outcome was even better than she expected.

Here are three steps for asking for what you want:

1. Set the stage.
Make sure you have the other person’s full attention. Asking for what you want in passing might feel less daunting, but if you’re going to take the emotional risk of vulnerably asking for a change, make sure your request is going to be heard.

2. Be clear, direct, and concise.
Sometimes instead of asking for what we want, we try to communicate what we want with our mood, which always causes confusion. Don’t radiate unhappiness and hope those around you figure out why. Just tell them.

3. Show appreciation.
Nothing reinforces positive change like gratitude.

Should Amy's husband, after 25 years of marriage, have known gifts were meaningful to his wife? Should he have wanted to show his love and appreciation in this way without being asked? And now that they were teenagers, shouldn’t Amy’s kids have taken the initiative and ensured their mom felt appreciated on Christmas day? Probably, but the pattern wasn't changing until Amy stepped up and changed it.