Across time and cultures, relationships have been some of the most meaningful aspects of human life. We experience our greatest joys and pains, healing and trauma, within relationships. As a therapist, I get to walk with individuals through these hills and valleys. I've helped individuals set safer boundaries and learn to trust again. I've been present for stories of grief and the sparking of new friendships. It's amazing.

Relationships of all kinds are ripe for conflict. As individuals, it is natural for us to have times of disagreement. In the past, forgiveness and apology were routinely taught to and sometimes forced on children. This led to the preservation of relationships, unfortunately including many unhealthy ones. Today, it has become more acceptable to end connections that no longer serve us. Rifts happen and when they do it seems more common to hear words like "toxic" and "narcissist." As a society, we are putting up with a lot less. Friendships more often end in cut-off—going "no contact."

A 2015 study of college students found that 43% were estranged from at least one family relationship (Conti, 2015). In addition, 3 in 5 Americans report feeling lonely, a 13% increase since 2018 (Demarinis, 2020). Social isolation is linked to a variety of mental health risks including suicide (Motillon-Toudic, 2022), and social connection is a known protective factor. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, death by suicide in 2022 has been at an all-time high (CDC, 2022).

One could ask if society's current attitudes toward maintaining relationships are contributing to negative mental health outcomes. Have we gone too far in terms of ending relationships?

Cycle of Violence

Let's step back to 2009. I gripped a paper in front of me as the trainer for the sexual assault and violence intervention program shared with us the "power and control wheel" (Chavis and Hill, 2008). The cycle showed an incident, a honeymoon period with promises of no more violence, tensions rising, and then more incidents of violence. In time, in my interactions years later I saw this cycle play out painfully over and over in the lives of individuals affected by domestic violence.

There would usually be a crisis that would lead someone to reach out, such as an act of violence where police were called. Yet, soon after, what happened would be forgotten. The individual would be flooded with apologies, promises of getting help, and sometimes gifts. Then quiet. Until the next crisis. Surely, these are the types of relationships that need to end.

Cycle of a Healthy Relationship

Yet, it should be noted that this cycle does mirror in ways that of a healthy relationship. We start with a connection. As humans, we inevitably have times of conflict. If we can resolve that, our connection will grow. The "rupture and repair" sequence (Lewis, 2000), or in short, connect—break—repair—reconnect.

I see a lot of connections and conflicts. More and more, however, I am seeing relationships break without repair and reconnection. There are times when this is necessary. But, what is the cost if it isn't? Are we sometimes mistaking the cycle of healthy attachment for something less amiable?

Noticing the Difference

There are three key differences between the cycle of a healthy attachment and the cycle of violence.

1. Acknowledgement of What Happened

When there is a break in an unhealthy relationship and it continues often, what may be abusive is lost. It's not to be talked about. In a healthy relationship, when there is conflict or boundary crossings, these can be talked about productively. Perhaps not immediately after, but after the repair

2. Depth/Type of Conflict

In the cycle of abuse, violence and/or sexual assault are often present. This is never acceptable. This said, the transgressions need not be physical or sexual to be abusive. Sometimes an unhealthy relationship is more insidious, chipping away at someone's self-worth over the years and taking a kaleidoscope of forms. While it may be difficult to capture every scenario within black-and-white terms, interactions that repeatedly threaten or harm a person's psychological integrity without resolution are core to an abusive relationship. In healthy relationships, conflicts are more often based on relational problems like misunderstandings or feeling unappreciated.

3. The Repair

In the cycle of violence, there is certainly a seemingly apologetic period, that "honeymoon" period which may include a variety of false offers. Still, nothing is done to work on the relationship. In time, the abuse just continues and continues. Repair, however, is a vital part of the cycle of a healthy relationship.

How to Repair

If you are looking to repair a relationship, here are some tips.

1. Own Your Perspective

Often, we take our emotions and thoughts and project those onto others. If we can be responsible for these, we will be in a much better place to work through a conflict.

2. Avoid Rehearsal and Filling in the Blanks

When we are angry it is easy for us to imagine conversations where we are faced with unreason and rage from the other party. We can find ourselves feeling more angry about things that were never said. Similarly, it is easy for us to fill in the blanks, perhaps imagining our friend talking poorly about us to others.

3. Give the Benefit of the Doubt

Assumptions make, ahem, a higher chance of error—for you and me. Try to give the benefit of the doubt. You don't have to let your friend or family member walk over you, but it can be helpful to try to see their side of the story.

4. Focus on Amends Over Apologies

A lot of friendships have ended because both parties hoped for an apology that never came. While it's true that apologies can be helpful in repair, what is more important is the reconnection piece. Overfocusing on one side and admitting error often leads to mutual anger. Rather than amends, talking about what happened without blame and where to go from here is empowering to all sides.

5. Be Open to Apologize If Necessary

Sometimes someone needs to hear an apology. An apology is not saying, "You were right, and I was wrong." It is saying, "I recognize that I either intentionally or unknowingly hurt you and I care about you." That sentiment can go a long way to preserving a relationship.

6. Follow Through on Commitments

If you agree to make a change, follow through on it. This action shows that you care about the relationship.

7. Accept that Conflict Will Happen Again and Is Not In Itself Bad

Conflict is inevitable in human relationships. In fact, if a relationship does not have some level of conflict, it is likely not genuine. People have differing experiences, emotions, and thoughts. Just because we at times have conflict does not mean that there is anything wrong with us, or our relationships.

In Closing

Not all relationships can be repaired, but many can. Repairing relationships is a skill that takes time to build. It is a worthwhile tool to carry. If you are finding that many of your relationships end in cut-offs, or if you wish to strengthen your ability to maintain friendships, but don't know where to start, psychotherapy can help. Re-occurring patterns of difficulties in relationships are common, especially among those who did not have healthy connections growing up or who have gone through painful interpersonal experiences such as bullying, rejection, infidelity, or betrayal trauma. Therapies with an attachment focus such as mentalization-based therapy can be useful in assisting with relating to ourselves and others effectively.